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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Still in First R'ship Mode

Does anyone think there's a discernible difference between friendship and relationships? 'Cos it occurred to me that among all my attached [or previously were attached] friends, very few of them started out on the basis of simple friendship like Dragonfly and I did.

In fact, counting off the friends I know who are attached, most of them started out because both parties were attracted to each other on another level other than friendship. They never went past the long process of friendship that the two of us did. [In fact, I can honestly say that no other relationship I know started off with a 7-year courtship. Tian ah... ]

I do wonder how other attached females felt the first few days of their relationship. For me, I was too sick the weekend after that to really think about it, and then later on, when I got well, it hit me that omgimattacheddiditreallyhappendidhereallysaythatamireallyinthis???? Thankfully, a conversation with DoE revealed that she felt the same way in the first few days too, so at least I'm not alone in this. *phew*

Wonder how the guys feel. Hmmm..... *looks sideways at him if he happened to be reading this post*

Maybe in a very roundabout way, what I'm wondering at is this: At the moment after being hitched, are you supposed to feel different? Well, not in the different-because-you-got-real-damn-sick kinda way that I did, but you know, different. Or have I been watching too many movies? oh oh......... Someone cancel the fluttering rose petals and the choirs of angelic voices....

I guess this is because even when we went out as a couple for the first time, it still felt very much like we were still friends. The conversations are the same, the way we talk is the same, and the general feeling I get when I'm with him is still the same.

But even then... Even though there's still strong emanations of friendship, there is a little bit of relationship seeping in as well. Like the way we can now sit closer to each other at the bus stop. The [slight difference in the] way we talk and laugh with each other. And most obviously, the way I can now reach out my hand, and he can take it, and the way we walk together like that. :)

[can I do a very girly mushy thing and talk about holding hands for a while? I now understand why couples always hold hands with each other like that. The mere act of enclasping your hands in another, and interlocking your fingers with each other's is not only a symbolic act, because of the way your hand is still facing your body and vice versa for him, the interlocking also serves to bring your arms closer to each other. Just holding hands alone drastically reduces the distance between two bodies and souls, in more ways than one. :) ok mushy time over]

But anyway... *cough cough* After asking around my other attached female friends, I realised that this is a pretty normal thing. One assured me that the feeling of "ARGH!!" at the moment of realisation was pretty common and she had it to. Another said that the feeling of real, pure love will seep in while you aren't looking in the most subtle ways. So in fact... everything I'm going through with him for now are pretty normal. *phew*

For now........... I'm just gonna ride this and enjoy what I can. [Esp. the holding hands part. Can't get enough of that! Hehehehe....]

And then there's:

New job, new life

Just the day after I called MOE to enquire about my application, the results actually come in the mail after I came home from the movie with him. "Congrats, you have been selected for..."

Like what's up with my life this week? Who the heck gets 2 such life-altering things in the same week?? Did I accidentally disrupt the feng shui in my room?

My feelings are a touch more mixed on this career issue rather than the Dragonfly one though. On the one hand, steady income, job stability.

On the other........... Screaming kids, overworked life, tons of unrelated-to-teaching admin work, stupid principals, idiotic colleagues, tied to the Ministry with no hope of respite. The feeling that you aren't choosing your own path, but am stepping onto another of your parent's choosing. The feeling that this parental influence will dog your steps for the rest of your lives and haunt every decision you make.

And the most painful of all: The freedom. Freedom to stand in the street after a good breakfast and admire the deep blue sky, the shade of blue you can only see in the morning, when it's still cool enough to stand outside. The feeling that you can go anywhere, that you can do anything. That all roads are still open to you.

Will I lose this feeling?

Too soon to say.

For now, I will walk down this path and see where it takes me.

At least I know I have a hand to hold if I do feel too scared to move on.

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