Finally, some downtime...

My friends would know that the reason why this blog has been quiet a while was because of a major life-changing event. This was the birth of my first child, whom I have nicknamed #hamstercheeks for the Internet. 

Everything they have ever said about how much it changes your life has turned out to be true in some ways and not in others. It is true that I paid a lot more attention to what I did and ate just before and mostly after birth, because of breastfeeding. It is also true what they say about Mummy-brains. Maternal instincts kicked in strongly and I was Googling websites like Baby Center and What to Expect for all kinds of baby info, much to the consternation of my husband. (I have been dubbed Tigress Mum for that matter)

It is also true that there no such thing as a Super First Time New Mother. I learned this the hard way after the confinement nanny left and was giving myself all sorts of mental breakdowns thinking of the work that had to be done to keep Hamstercheeks alive, clean and healthy. I also learned the hard way that there is no shame in shamelessly asking for help whenever you need it. I do not need to compare yourself to others nor care about their opinions. 

So making decisions now boils down to answering 2 questions:
1. What is good for #hamstercheek?
2. What is good for me?

For example, take the hiring of a maid. I had all kinds of doubts and questions about hiring a maid at first but it turns out some very major ones had to do with what I thought of myself and what others would think of me. Am I a weaker, less capable person for hiring a maid to do things that I could do myself? Would others think I was a weaker, less capable person for doing so? 

In the end, I decided the mental breakdown and physical exhaustion was not worth it. One, yes, I am a weaker person because I am not SuperMom and nobody is. I cannot simultaneously hold multiple roles of Mother, Wife, Cleaner and Person all at the same time and it is not to mine or my child's benefit if I play a lesser part in each role. So chuck out the role of Household Cleaner and outsource it. 

And in a funny way, once I accepted that I was not SuperMom and that I (like every New Mother) needed help, the universe went out of its way to give it to me. A maid arrived in record timing and so far has turned out to be a good learner with a pleasant personality and also able to handle the baby much more patiently than me. The grandmothers adored their new grandson to bits and were quick to take on babysitting duties. So in fact that week after the nanny left was a relatively painless one since most of the work was done by Grammie and maid. 

Was the move good for #hamstercheeks? I think it did him no harm to be spoiled by Grammie for a week. Also, he can now count on always having clean laundry and bedding thanks to the maid. Was it good for me? I would think so, since now I can focus on his cries for food and attention without fretting that the house would fall apart. Also it's good to have some company in the house other than the baby. 

We do have our good times and our bad ones. On good ones, I find myself able to read, write and watch TV in relative peace and quiet, and even blog a lengthy entry. On bad ones, his cries drive me bonkers and the husband will return from work to find me almost in tears. And since this is a good time, I can say, well, that's life with a baby. Or rather, that's just life. :) 

Reflections on August

One word: BUSY

Even now when I think back about August, all I can think about is busy, busy, busy. It was definitely one of those peak periods where I was just frantically trying to finish everything before the Sept break. Even on days when I didn't bring work home, I was too knackered to do anything except watch TV. 

As I type this, it is now the last day of the Sept holiday and next week, I'm back at work for another round of Busy. *shudder*

At one point, I did pause to think, though, why do I fall off the wagon so badly all the time after June? The reason that comes foremost to mind is of course, work. As times get busier, work gets brought back home, time at home becomes work time and then other things like cooking and general self-care goes out the window. 

I also felt I forgot some of the habits of self-care I took in the first half of the year. Eg, by making time for myself to do the things I love. So this is one habit I want to reinstate: To write down my weekly plans for the things I love to do on my calendar so as to commit to it. In this way, I want to be able to plan my time better without letting work overtake me. I also have to make sure that at work, I religiously keep a to-do list with the deadlines clearly written so that I don't forget what I'm supposed to do. 

Another habit I want to reinstate is that of journalling: To journal one sentence a day and express gratitude for even the smallest thing. These are simple yet powerful tools to balance one's state of mind and I want to continue this. One way is to bring the journal out one days I go out. 

Most importantly, I need to practise self-love. To be able to forgive myself for the things I didn't do so well and to compare me, to me, instead of others. I keep looking at how far others are ahead of me, instead of looking back at how far I've come. This is like wishing you had a Birkin but forgetting you already had a Chanel. While of course I should push myself to go as far as I can, my progress shouldn't be measured by others who follow different trajectories from me. I am responsible for my own path and that is the one I should follow. 

That being said, even if I didn't do as much as I wanted, I still managed to read a great deal, so I'm glad of that. Thankfully, reading is one of the habits firmly entrenched in me. 

This holiday has also given me some space to pursue some craft, so I'm glad for that. (tutorials coming up soon) 

I have a few more months before December and a couple more before March next year, when I get really busy, so wish me luck and here goes!

My Blog is a Tween! + Was I ever that young?

I recently wrote a small piece on my other blog comparing how I was as a fresh grad and the changes I had observed after 10 years in the industry. After writing that, I became curious about this blog and searched through the dusty blog archives for the very first entry I did.

Lo, I realized that this blog was born on 16th October, 2003. It turns 13 this year! It's a tweenager! 

Even when I read the words from that first entry, I felt old! The style of writing seemed so immature and full of teenage spunk. [I don't want to elaborate on what that shows of me from my writing now...] They seemed to come from someone else entirely and if it wasn't for the fact that I remember typing them down in the university computer lab, I might have never recognized them as my own.

Anyway, here they are, with my older, wiser *ahem* thoughts in between:

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Out of curiosity, and the plain fact that I do not want to start working on any of my schoolwork anytime soon, I've decided to start this blog. If nothing, it'll save me from writing all those lengthy emails to pple ( when I actually do it, that is ) and give my friends the option of choosing to read my crap or not. What a nice person I am. :p

Nowadays, with FB, my friends have no option but to read the crap I post. Sorry, guys.


Anyway, quick intro: 22 year old *still* student at NUS, fac of bizad, school of management, 

Damn! Was I ever 22??? I can hardly remember what that feels like!]


or [my favourite] School of Biz [SOB. who the heck was the one who thought that up??] 

And now my employer shares the same acronym as the bartender from the Simpsons. Who was the one who thought that one up?


I'm graduating in Dec, so will officially join the ranks of the unemployed on Jan 2004, wondering exactly what it is I paid NUS so much for. Will become wandering spirit by that time, the Fool of the Tarot, going where the wind blows me to and hopin' I don end up in some rubbish heap.

Thankfully, not still unemployed. Honestly, in retrospect, that was a pretty uncertain time, living literally paycheck to paycheck teaching tuition. I wouldn't have done [or bought] most of the things I have now with that lifestyle and I do have some gratitude for the paycheck I earn now. Yet, I can't deny there are aspects about it that still appeal to me and I do still have a longing to become that Fool of the Tarot.


My big dream is to strike 1st prize in 4D one day, become disgustingly, filthily, rich and live off the proceeds for the rest of my life without having to work.

Obviously, this still has not happened.


Since the chances of that happening is [nil], I would also like to work in the creative arts industry in some way. If I ever get my Illustrator down, I'd like to become a freelance graphic designer. Until then, I'd be teaching tuition for a living, until the day I die of a heart attack in a pool of my own blood in some kid's house.

Oh, this is one of the parts I miss so much about being in university. The thought that the world was still open to you and your dreams and you could still be anything you wanted to be. Instead, I'm still in danger of dying of a heart attack in a pool of my own blood in school. 

How does this happen to us? How do we lose our dreams and the capacity to dream somewhere in those 10 years?


Ok, too much info for now. Me gotta go do some actual work, you know, the kind that justifies your place in society and that most parental and educational units look favourable upon. See ya.

Yes, I did manage to find some actual work to justify my place in society and be looked favourably upon by parental and educational units. I'm still deciding whether that's a good thing or not.

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Seeing my 22-year old thoughts and my 36-year-old ones together brought home the idea of aging far more vividly than I thought. My 22-year-old self sounded a lot spunkier than I remember at the time and more sarcastic as well. Yet, I can't deny that my older self has some wisdom *ahem* that my 22-year-old one did not have and that certainly, I wouldn't have wanted to live with the salary that I was earning as a tuition teacher for the rest of my life. 

Maybe the key here is to be aware of and grateful for what age can bring you. My 22-year-old self would not have been able to travel to the number of countries that I did in my 30s. My 22-year-old self would have still been sharing the family computer and living with her parents, instead of typing these words in her own study in her own house. My 22-year-old self was very much single with no hope of getting attached. So indeed my older self has a lot more that my 22-year-old self would have looked enviously at.

Still, you do have to raise a toast to younger days. To dreams unfulfilled and dreams yet to be.