First, I took a rather heavy lunch quite late. I could feel something like indigestion when I was running.
I forgot to warm up. When I jog in the gym, I usually have a short warm up by walking first before starting the run proper. This time, when I saw everybody running past me, I kan cheonged and ran faster than i should have, forgetting to warm up. This made me lose steam faster.
I tried to compete. Especially with this aunty and her husband. I kept telling myself and other people that the main point was for me to finish the race, not come in first or second. Yet when I found myself lagging almost last, I was like I can't be last! I made myself a competitor, in effect.
And that was because of this aunty. She was running with her husband and we were almost at the same pace. Then she ran faster and I thought I'm losing to an aunty! Big mistake. Aunty or not, the only competitor is always myself. Why must I compete with her? Not as if last place will lose 'html'><div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'>I took a rather heavy lunch quite late<br/><br/>I forgot to warm up<br/><br/>I tried to compete<br/><br/>Especially with this aunty and her husband<br/><br/>I stopped for drinks and broke momentum<br/><br/>Unused to the distance at one point I thought I was going to have a heart attack<br/><br/>Storm clouds were approaching and I could hear thunder<br/><br/>I kept crossing my fingers<br/><br/>I told God let me finish this race. I have to do it so that no one will ever look down on the useless fat girl, most of all myself. If you let me finish, I promise I will run through the finish line even if it kills me at the end. ( ok, I'll jog past the finish line ) <br/><br/>And whaddya know. The storm held back. The aunty and hubby kept up a walking pace at the end and I summoned up some unknown fat reserve and made myself jog. I jogged past them and I thought why not we come in past together? But they urged me on. And when I saw the finish line I ran towards it and I did it. <br/><br/>The storm didn't burst, I didn't crawl past and I wasn't last. ( well to be truthful i was 2nd last ) I didn't get a heart attack.<span id='BB_SIGN_BEGIN'><img alt='BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop' src='http://theblogbooster.com/pixel.gif' style='border:none;'/></span></div>000000 right? Why do I have to compare myself with other strangers? The only effect was that it put additional pressure on me to reach some imaginary level of success.
That being said, I have to admit it was a bit irritating running behind her. Because she'd be walking with her husband, and I'd think ok! I can catch up! Then as I caught up to her, she would suddenly start jogging and she'd be ahead of me again! Argh! This went on for the whole 10k. -_-!!!
I stopped for drinks and broke momentum. When I jog in the gym or outdoors with my dad, I always ran the distance nonstop without hydration. Good for me or not, it was what my body was used to.
Then after 5km, I stopped at the water station and drank a cup of 100plus. Eargh! I got indigestion and slight churning in my stomach because I wasn't used to the slightly carbonated drink. ( I always drank h2o ) Then the break in momentum made my running lose steam and I suddenly found myself struggling.
Unused to the distance at one point I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I could my heart rate going rapidly crazy and I was like oh no, 30 yr old drops dead suddenly during practice run. Note to self: must train for distance and do not compare or compete.
Then as I was dying, I had another problem: Storm clouds were approaching and I could hear thunder. I was running out in the open. If the run didn't kill me, was I going to have to abandon my goals because of weather??
I kept crossing my fingers throughout the run. I told God let me finish this race. I have to do it so that no one will ever look down on the useless fat girl, most of all myself. If you let me finish, I promise I will hold my head up and run through the finish line even if it kills me at the end. ( ok, I'll jog past the finish line ) At the very least, even if I get a heart attack, I had to finish that damn race! ( notice how exerting physical distances make me overly morbid )
And whaddya know. The storm held back. The clouds swelled and the thunder boomed in the distance but someone up there seems to have heard my prayer (plea) and held the pause on the storm just enough for me to finish. The aunty and hubby kept up a walking pace at the end and I summoned up some unknown fat reserve and made myself jog. I jogged past them and I qas thinking we should jog past the finish line together as a group. I thought, why not come in last together? But they urged me on and told me to go forward.
And when I saw the finish line I ran towards it. My legs pulled forth some hidden reserve of energy and I ran through that finish line. I had done it.
and I did it. The storm didn't burst, I didn't crawl past and I wasn't last. ( well to be truthful i was 2nd last -_-!!! ) I didn't get a heart attack.
In fact, it didn't even rain till I had collected my souvenirs, my free drinks, and carried myself to the taxi stand where I grabbed a cab and then the storm burst and the heavy rainfall fell on the cab. I sat back in the seat and thanked God for waiting so long.
I understand now something more of the mindset of the ultramarathoner i mentioned in an earlier post. When you put yourself to the single-minded doggedness to complete a goal, you put all your resources to the completion of that goal and it is the greatest feeling in the world, even if you don't come in faster than someone else, to actually finish your goal on your own two feet. In fact, you don't even need to compare your progress with others, because everyone is also single-mindedly pursuing their own individual goals. How can you compare two totally different life paths, strengths and weaknesses, and conclude one is better? It is biased and unfair and you should not be doing that to yourself.
And when you do finish something on your own merits, congratulations. You have proven that regardless of what others may think of you, you have that strength in you to do what you have to, what you want to. You do not need to measure yourself by other people's standards any longer. And that feeling of self worth may be the most precious thing you can ever win in any marathon.