Guys, the comments work... Krystal I got your comment, so yes, even non-blogspot users should be able to use the function. Hope it's easy for you guys to comment.

Oh, and apparently there was a typo in my last post. It's not the police who are doing the nabbing of litterbugs, it's the National Environmental Authority [or I tink that's what it stands for]. Sorry to the boys in blue...

Welcome to Olly

My horoscope today courtesy of astrology.com reads:

Every fond daydream you've ever nurtured is about to be activated. You'll love every minute of it -- as will the lucky companion you've chosen to play your prince or princess.

Thanks to the stars... for screwing with my mind once again just when it was getting settled.

But there's a tinge of truth in it as well... for I have one more Prince in my life... hahaha...

I like to call him Olly...

Would you like to see a pic of him?

















Wait, I'm trying to upload the pix.....

everybody meet Olly

Ain't he cute? HAHAHAHA!

Hey no way I can deal with another dragonfly in my life... please...

But yes! yes! YES! MY 1ST DIGICAM!!! Nicked him Olly because it's an Olympus.. haha... looks just like the pic but the sliding part is blue...

So happy... *sniff sniff* And after using my camera phone, the resolution looks FANTASIC... And ZOOM! I HAVE ZOOM!

The software they give with the cam not too bad also... has the basic functions like crop, rotate, brightness/contrast, hue/saturation, colour balance.. namely all the stuff that I usually have to use photoshop for... so photo editing is easier. Actually all the photos linked to this blog have been edited.. hahaha... my photography skills aren't there yet.

Only drawbacks... apparently I can only use a particular battery and memory card with this cam... Darn...

But as a starting point for amateur photography, it ain't half bad... just that now I owe my dad another $300... eeks...

I feel like a giddy kid at xmas with a new toy... heeheehee... went out n took a few pix around town and bishan park... also took one of the best-looking pix there are of me out there... [zi4 lian4 kuang3] Anyone out there willing to pay for my pix? hahaha...

Oh, n I finally watched Shrek2. Not too bad, but somehow not as hilarious as the first. Ok, it's the Sequel Syndrome once again. Hey, the HP ad for dreamworks was cute though... :p

So pix from town: [warning, will take time to load]

From rooftop of Esplanade





Skyline of the city


Pix from Bishan Park:

Brownie

Brownie is an abandoned dog living in Bishan Park right now. He has a collar, but no ID tag, and he lives on the charity of the vet nearby and the people who walk through it from the Ang Mo Kio market.

He's lived there for about a couple months now, and having the whole of Bishan Park to wander in, is one of the most carefree dogs I have ever seen. He's also really friendly, and will allow you to pat him.

However, he's also scared stiff of cats. (??) I've seen him almost get his face half scratched off by a cat at the vet's. Also, another time, somebody gave him food, and he was happily eating until he spied a cat coming near.

Nearer and nearer the cat came, until when the cat was about 2m away from him, he bolted! And the cat happily helped himself to Brownie's food.

A dog scared of cats. There goes all the stereotypes, huh? ;)

Skyline of Bishan




Shady pond


View from my room
From the dark prison, to the wilderness beyond.


Interesting incident:
Just after taking the pic of the shady pond, I noticed an old man who had just walked past me, and kept giving me backward glances. I put it down at first to simple curiosity, [what is this girl doing taking pictures of this pond for what??] and then he asked me.

"Are you from huan2 jing4 bu4?" [loosely translated as Environment board?]

"Huh?"

He repeats his question and I go, No, no, for fun only. He nods his head in understanding, and then walks off.

As he does, I look down at myself. My hair is tied up, I'm wearing an oversized Bizad FOC T-shirt, bermudas and sandals, and I have a cheapo waistpouch, which is turned to my butt.

In what way do I resemble a government employee?

A little Nibblet

This is a quick update after watching the news. Regular post is below this.

Congratulations to all Singaporeans. I am pleased to inform you that you are living in a country with one of the lowest crime rates in the world.

In keeping with this, the Police in Singapore has apparently decided to undergo a job restructuring exercise within the Force. They can't retrench the excess numbers, because that might encourage more people to take up crime.

Since now there are too few thieves, drug smugglers, rapists, murderers etc. for them to prosecute, the Police now has to concentrate on catching the lesser-known criminals that are nonetheless, a threat to the civilised society we all know and love.

Plain-clothes policemen will now patrol and stake out several areas of Singapore in order to catch litterbugs in the act. Yes, litterbugs.

Why? Because Singapore has always been a clean and green city and we intend to keep it that way.

Anyone caught in the act will be fined $200 on the spot, for chucking your cigarette butt on the floor and not picking it up later. However, the Police are not completely heartless creatures. They will also give you a free tin box to commemorate the occasion and remind you not to litter in the future.

Beware residents of Toa Payoh, People's Park and Holland Village. The next time you throw that empty mineral bottle on the grass, the police are watching you.

Don't you just love staying in such a clean country? How Uniquely Singapore...

Reflections on Brown Paper

Interesting weekend indeed... Whenever I read over the Dragonfly entries I'm tempted to write myself the Great Singapore Romance Novel. What should I call it? "Dragonflies on the Shoulder"? Or just "Dragonflies"?

I have my protagonist all planned out. She will have a dragonfly, of course, and for added salt, I'll make her a dragonfly too! She will like this guy, and have this guy like her as well, all in secret! Wah, can write HK drama liao ah like that!

I'll span the saga from JC to Uni to when they start working. Along the way I'll create massive love triangles, sex, drugs, rock n' roll, and TONS of scandal! Mwahahaha!

Ok, should stop now.

Well, at least I can sympathize with my protagonist anyway. Besides the sex, drugs and scandal part anyway. As for a script, might need some help there. But at least if I don't win any scriptwriting competitions, I could try for a book... If I ever get down to writing it... hahaha...

--------------------------------

At my kid's house today, she showed me her composition exercise book. When I opened it I found streaks of liquid paper all over the compositions she had written for me previously, like someone decided to draw something on her book. White snakes all over her pencil handwriting.

"What the...?"

"My brother lor!" exclaimed Rachel in frustration. [sweet, primary 4 Rachel] "Don't know why he suddenly decided to draw on my book!"

"In liquid paper?"

"No, in pen, then I go over it with liquid paper lor." That explains the streaks. At the last written page, there is even a note, written in a much more adult hand, excusing the mess in Rachel's book.

"That one my father write one."

"Oh, ok. Did they scold him?" If my bro had tried doing that to my exercise books, my father would have given him hell about defacing other's properties.

"No, just tell him not to do it again." Ok, so her parents are a whole lot nicer to their kids than mine. I turn to the last page, examining the rest of the empty pages for more liquid defacement, and on the last page is a flurry of pen marks.

"Aiyah! Got some more I never liquid!" And she immediately reaches for the liquid paper and starts to erase off the pen marks. Some of the pen marks are on the cover of the book, and as she covers them with liquid paper, I cringe at the mess she makes on the book.

Because the cover of the book is brown, the ballpoint pen marks weren't that visible. Once she went over them with liquid paper, however, the thin, blue lines became huge, fat white snakes, and it made the cover of the book even uglier, the scars standing out even more.

Sometimes, you do stuff in your life you wish you'd rather cover up. Dumb, stupid things that make you wonder why you ever considered it in the first place, and make you wish that you could go back and change it all. But then, do you feel that sometimes when you try to cover it up, or push it to the back of your mind, it just makes it stand out even more?

Just that liquid paper on brown paper. You make a lot of stupid marks on the brown paper, and then you try to liquid it off, because it's always worked with white paper. But then to your horror, the liquid just becomes even uglier when it's applied to brown paper and now there's no way of getting it off. Now you think, godammit, I should have just left the marks there. It would have looked better.

Hmmmm...... Never thought one could have a flash of inspiration from a tuition exercise book...

Dragonfly Reloaded

I can't believe the entire Dragonfly Saga took slightly more than 2 weeks. Somehow it feels much longer than that. Many thanks to Quet's advice on her blog. It's something I've heard before, but somehow find it hard to act on. Will keep it in mind, and try to positively act on it. :)

I attribute all the actions of the past week to hormones. One should never try to think about emotional issues when one is high on hormones or PMS-ing. Because then you do [and type] weird stuff and then later on, when your estrogen levels drop, and you become a rational human being again, you wonder, What the hell did I do all that for???

Thanks to all the advice, comments, and inquiries about my general state of mental health. I'm fine. Really, I am. And yes, I think I should write a novel about this or something. Might prove therapeutic.

The Dragonfly is still on my shoulder, and I haven't shooed him away or sprayed him with Baygon. And yes, he knows about the contents of this blog, and has read the entire saga too. More details later.

But anyway, maybe I should explain a bit more about the events over the past week. It'll explain [sorta] why I've been so down this past weekend and sorta clear up things I guess. Besides, Dragonfly's in reservist this week so perchance he won't get to read this entry at all! Mwahahahaha!

Anyway, I think the trouble all started when I went out on Friday. After helping out at the CJC library, we went to the Village at China Square. [it's a marche ripoff, even down to the cows] Then I found out that they sold Long Island Teas for the cheapo price of $9! Usually in pubs they sell these jokers for about $18 each, so yay!

I drank about 2 cups of the stuff and as the night went on, felt my sense of balance slowly slipping, slipping...... Lucky got Matt, Jeff and Tiong to see me to the MRT station. [otherwise I might've popped into 7-11 to buy another bottle] Take my word for it, I wasn't drunk. I was perfectly aware of what I was saying and doing, just that I was saying a lot of rubbish lah. Eg: On the way to the MRT station, we passed a group of NJC students and I said in a rather loud, slightly off tone: "What are NJ students doing here on a Friday night ah? Not at home studying ah?" before Jeff shooed me off hurriedly. I knew what I was doing, just that er, I thought it would be rather fun to say it and have them hear it.

So I was a bit "saeh" that night lor. And qiao of all qiao I meet Dragonfly at Bishan Mrt.

We walked home, and came to this sorta crossroads. Well, actually it's a staircase lah. Staircase up leads to his house. Cross the road, leads to my house. We stood there talking for a while. And then he said bye and went up to his house.

I was a bit pissed at that, because hey, it's midnight, I told you I was a bit saeh, and you couldn't take the 15 mins to walk me home because you had to go up and do a report?

I knew I was a bit more off than I thought....... Now it all sounds so damn baka when I see the words being typed down. Godammit.

So I called jcsz and we went for teh at the local kopitiam where I poured out all my frustrations over him, frustration at dragonflies, frustration at being single, and a lot of Bridget-style despair over police finding my decayed corpse in my 1-room flat being chewed by all my cats... ok, scratch that last part.

Simply put, PMS and alcohol do NOT a good match make. And how do I know it was partly PMS? Because my period started on Sunday and I suddenly became more lucid, and my brain emerged again. Like all the bad blood literally flowed out.... haha, disgusting joke I know.

Now this is where this post comes in. That was typed on Saturday morning, and I was feeling a bit better after my skating.

Well, not exactly, because my mom screamed at me and my bro for being lazy bastards the moment she woke up, effectively spoiling both our mornings. Great, another woman in the household on PMS. I went off for Jap in a semi-gloom-pissed mood.

Jap was ok, until halfway during the class, I decided to check my SMS. One of them was from him and it said:

what dragonfly?

and then OH NO!!!!! HE READ MY BLOG!!! HE KNOWS! HE FRICKIN' KNOWS! OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL DID I TYPE EXACTLY???? WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK???

Calm down, calm down, I told myself, and then replied him:

oh did u c my blog?

And then no answer. This is where my mind starts to go wild. Is he mad? Is he pissed? Is he offended? Is he ever going to talk to me again as a friend? I tried to concentrate on my jap, but the train of thought went on many pit stops...

"Hai, now repeat, one to ten, ok? Ikimasho." said sensei. The whole class starts to chant, including myself.

"Hitori..."

"Futari..."

"Sannin..."
Is he offended by what I said on my blog?

"Gonin..."
Chia lat, why doesn't he reply me?

"Kyuunin..."
Why am I so kan cheong? Why should I be sorry for writing what I feel? What's it to him?

"Juunin..."

"ARGH!!!!!!!!!" I scream, "ANO KITANAI!!!" and fling my notes into the air while the rest of the class looks at me in bewilderment.

No, no that last part didn't happen. Really... What happened was instead, during break, I phone jcsz.

"OMG HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS THE STUFF I TOLD YOU LAST NITE BECAUSE I WROTE IT ON MY FRICKIN' BLOG. WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT."

"So? Let him read lah! It's how you really feel what!"

"But what if he doesn't want to talk to me again? I don't wanna lose a friend just like that leh!"

"If he's gonna drop you just like that, he's not WORTH having as a friend even! Don't worry about it, and just concentrate on your japanese!"

Sound advice... falling on a slightly unsound mind. Remember what I said about mind going wild when no replies to SMSes are received? Pisceans living with one foot in fantasy? My mind goes crazy and finally I send him this:

Hey... R U upset at me? I hope u din take offence or anything.

Why the frickin' hell did I do that? I donno. For the life of me, I DUNNO. If you put me up on a box in Abu Gharaid, holding 2 electric wires and forced me to explain, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO. It'll be much easier for me to simply jump off and trust to Fate.

So then... he doesn't reply! My mind goes into a whirl and later when I meet Candle for dinner, I blurt out everything to her. Thank god I was meeting her for dinner because if I was alone, I think I would have gone even crazier. I told her all that transpired over that Friday night, I told her what he sent me, and I told her how crazy I was feeling just then. At the height of my frenzy, he replied my last SMS:

Huh? I just woke up.

ARGH!!!! KITANAI!!!! ANO SAITEI KITANAI! BAKANA INU! ANO YARIMAN! ANO BAKA! SHINE! SHINE! SHINE KUDASAI---------------! [Ok, you guys shouldn't know the meaning of those words, but I think you get the gist.]I go through all that worrying and he was freakin' ASLEEP????? More head banging in order.

BANG~

BANG~

BANG~

But anyway, Candle did make an interesting point that evening.

"Are you sure you don't like him?"

"Huh?" We were walking along the Citylink underpass, and I was admiring the Shrek mural when suddenly she asks me this. "Well, I think I don't like him in that way right now. I have the feeling that he's too busy with his work to spare any time for a relationship, and I'm not sure I can live with being a supporting role to his life."

"Now that's weird, because you're acting just like --- did when she was trying to chase that blockhead. [names blocked out to preserve anonymity] The words you wrote on your last entry, if he doesn't want to do anything, fine! I'll find myself another guy and show him!, don't you think that's exactly like what she said the other time?"

"Uh.... did she?" I rack my brains, and realise she's right. I don't remember the exact words but I remember the sentiments --- was conveying at the time.

"And that time, --- was the one doing the chasing, and she was frustrated at the guy not responding. YOUR one is reversed."

"So you mean it's sorta like I'm the prey begging to be eaten, but the predator isn't doing anything."

"Exactly."

What the freak? What's going on with me now?

"It's a very simple explanation." jcsz says, as he's driving down the CTE. It's now Sunday afternoon, and we were planning a leisurely afternoon in town.

"What?"

"It's not quite that you like the guy, but more like you like the idea of being chased. The attention, the idea that somebody likes you that way. That's why when he doesn't pay you any attention, you start to want that attention."

Once again.... so true. The more I think about it, the more I feel that's how it is. After being in singlehood for so long, and being convinced that you're somehow repulsive to the entire male race, the idea that someone could actually like you is pretty ego-boosting. I'm not exactly in love with the guy, I'm more in love with the idea that he loves me.

Is love supposed to be this godammed confusing? Or is anything to do with emotions pretty much the same? Because even though I feel what jcsz said is right, there's also a flutter of uncertainty as well. Like maybe mostly it is... and a little bit it's not?

I shouldn't think. I always get into more problems when I think.

And then later my monthly friend pays me a visit, so he sends me off home early, and I go straight to bed, not wanting to think about anything else besides when these damned cramps are gonna end. I wake up in time to catch Japan Hour on CNA, ogle at the crab and lobster dishes, and then go to bed again.

What a weekend. And of all things, it ends with an SMS from him.

paiseh, went out with parents din bring phone

I reply back:

well jus tot dat when u said u din have e habit of answering yr sms... how true, how true

We go on for a while, and then he asks:

So whose dragonfly? me ah? haha

My face turns a deep shade of crimson and suddenly I feel like hiding it under my pillows. It turns out that he saw my blog, got curious about the dragonfly, and then read the entire saga. Oh freaking shit. Just when I thought he was too busy to care, he suddenly gets interested and finds out the whole thing.

But anyway, it's slightly better this way lah. For one, I know he wasn't offended or anything by my last entries, and for another, I know he's still willing to talk to me. Even though I'm not sure exactly how I feel about him, I know that at least I didn't totally turn him away from me.

Because even if we don't work out in a relationship, I still want us to stay friends. I still want to maintain that basic level of friendship, and I don't want it to be awkward when we meet.

And at least with this blog, though it's caused me more anxiety than I thought it was worth over the weekend, at least he knows my feelings and how things are going on in my end. [even though it seems like I'm the one who needs to know what's going on in the other end]

So... the saga continues... The one lesson I take from all this, is to not anyhow post stuff on the Net when pumped with estrogen. And to not always wildly imagine stuff that aren't there most of the time. And to remember that there are always other aspects of my life to think about, my dreams, my students, my art, my friends. My world doesn't revolve around Dragonfly, and it shouldn't. There are other humans around me, and I shouldn't completely discount them altogether. There are other dreams for me to live for, and I shouldn't just chuck them aside either.

And when it comes to a relationship with him... I think I'm too screwed with hormones and emotions to think clearly on this. I need to start thinking rationally about how I really feel about him, and how I feel about a relationship with him. To do anything without considering this would be unfair to him and would just make us end up like that arguing couple in the street. Which I don't want. I have to make sure my foundations are secure and strong before I do anything. Remain the status quo, until I'm ready to roll the dice and move so many squares forward.

What a screwed up weekend. Sigh. Hope this week goes a bit better... and a little calmer. I've had enough of this kind of excitement, thank you very much. :p

Bang. Bang. Bang.

One of my frens [you know who you are] said that I shared some traits with her ex, and put it down to us both being Pisceans. I said thank goodness I was born on a cusp, or you'd've been driven mad by me long ago, and I would have been horribly, horribly crushed by you.

Now I think I share another trait with that ex. My mind goes wild when people don't respond to my SMSes and I start to come up with various theories on why they don't, sometimes ignoring the most simplest solution.

What to do? Pisceans belong to the realm of fantasy. If you've seen me stone out, or gaze out into space when you're talking to me, you know what I'm talking about. We live with one foot in reality and the other in fantasy, and can happily hop from one side to the other.

This time I think I spent too much time in fantasy, and when I frantically tried to hop back, I crashed into the boulder of reality.

I need a wall. One nice, solid, plain wall. For me to bang my head against. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Then again, here's a reason why I should be happy to be single.

The following scene takes place near a bus stop. A guy and girl stand facing each other. The guy is waving his arms wildly, his posture obviously aggressive towards the girl. He speaks to her, not loudly, but with his anger and frustration clear, even though you don't hear the words he's speaking. The girl stands with her arms crossed, and head turned away from him. She's not interested in hearing what he has to say, and it makes him all the more frustrated.

Later on, they sit down on a seat. Are they tired of standing and arguing? Well, one but not the other. Even while they are sitting down, the same show takes place. The guy is stabbing his finger in the air in front of the girl, as if to emphasize his point. His whole body is turned towards her, but hers is not. Her legs are crossed away from him, her eyes are on the road, and her hands are clenched on the edge of the seat, the only sign of anger she reveals through her cool poise. She only turns to him when she wants to return his riposte, and then she would turn away from him again.

Finally she decides she has heard enough. She turns her back to him, her body moving to face the road. He tries to take her hand, but she snatches it back with a hiss and quick reflexes. It is as if some dirty creature had just tried to touch her. Rebuffed, he can only sit there in stony silence.

At last she shows a real sign of emotion. She bends down and puts her hands on her head, a sign of surrender. What is she surrendering to? Has she decided to surrender to her emotions, and let loose her tears, but is still unwilling to allow him to view this sign of her fraility? Or has she decided to surrender this relationship to its untimely end, and let it die?

I will never know. My bus comes and I leave them alone. As I do, other couples walk past them, hand-in-hand in seeming mocking sympathy, for what they may have just lost forever.

Sad? The sad part I think is that this actually happened tonight while I was in town waiting for my bus. For a moment during the argument, I thought I could hear their quarrelling through the music in my earphones. I hope that was some other sound I heard.

Wonder what happened to them. Unrealistic expectations? Most people are always saying people our age have unrealistic expectations, even other people our age. Maybe that's what happened to them. They went into a relationship with ideas of what it should be, and when those ideas didn't gel, they broke apart. The couple is left, sitting apart in stony silence, and you can almost see the crack in the air between them.

Hai... Zannen desu ne......