Bored Skater, and No Love on her Hands

She still stands in the middle of the crowd, with the dragonfly still perched somewhere on her back. No matter what she does, it refuses to move from its perch, hidden from her sight.

She wonders at its motives. Why does it stay there? Why does it not fly away? Why does it not make an attempt to become human?

Even as she asks the questions, it still does not answer her. There is a slight flutter of wings, but she is not sure whether that was supposed to be an answer, or merely a reaction to the wind.

Then the answer strikes her.

Why does it stay there? It is comfortable. Why forsake its current security for the wild unknown?

Why does it not try to be human again? It is too used to being a dragonfly.

Existing as a dragonfly for too long, the memories of being human become dimmer and dimmer, and the consciousness of a dragonfly takes over. After all, she is not going anywhere. She is not with anyone. There is no threat to its security.


Why change the status quo?


Fine, she says, You may remain a dragonfly if you wish to.

You may perch on my shoulder if you want to, and there will always be space for you.

But I will not wait for you to turn human.

The power to turn you back into a human is not within me, it is within you. The burden of proof lies within you and not within me. It is not up to me to turn you into a human, but up to you to prove to me you can be human.

So you may take your time to decide, but I will not wait.

And if I find someone else, I hope you, little dragonfly, will be able to fly freely to another shoulder to perch.

Having finished, she looks at the crowd around her.

Teeming, moving, masses of humans, walking in their own directions, parting around her as she stands in the middle of them. Part of them, and yet apart from them. Someday, someone will notice and wonder why there is a space within this crowd of people, become curious, and walk into her space. He might walk with her, he might not. Till then...

She turns and starts walking, the crowd making way for her unconsciously as she does.

Melodramatic no? I feel as if I've run the entire gamut of emotions of a relationship without having exactly started one in the past 4 weeks. Weird, how can one even feel like one has broken up, without having started anything in the first place?

But anyway, the above italics more or less sum up what I feel about the whole Dragonfly situation I guess. Read into it what you guys will. And if the Dragonfly who knows who he is happens to read this, and wants a better explanation, call me up and let's talk.

Got a bit depressed last nite thinking about it though. [could have been due in part to the 2 Long Island Teas I had at the Village with the Lib Exco that day.] Had Bridget-Jones-style anxiety attacks about being a single, old virgin and having the police find my 1-month-old decomposed corpse in my small, pathetic, cat-filled one room flat.

Ok, not exactly that lah, but about potentially being single for an extremely, extremely long period of my life, and always wondering, What's wrong with me, what's wrong with me.

But after a midnight teh session with jcsz, my mind cleared up and brightened up a bit. I have many things in my life I can be thankful for, patient friends willing to read my crappy blog being one of them, and there is nothing [thankfully] wrong with me, ie I don't give guys the impression that I'm a les.

Hence, this personal ad, inspired by jcsz:

Friendly, easygoing girl seeks amiable company. Loves manga, anime, and most things to do with art. Loves to read fantasy and crime novels, and any other books or graphic novels that catches her interest. Learning Japanese, Malay, and hopes to take up French in the near future. Trying to take up rollerblading again. Also an avid blogger.

Needs freedom in her life. Don't try to tie her down to a 9 to 5 job or you'll kill her. Willing to take lower pay in order to enjoy the pleasure of waking up at 9 and taking in the sunshine and air, and crispy prata for breakfast. Don't insist that she stay at home and do all the housework too, because she has dreams, and being your domestic help is not one of them.

Strengths include an easygoing, "chin-chai" personality, a lesser emphasis on material belongings, and also a "cheap" nature. This means that she'll rather eat at coffeeshops or fast food than fancy restaurants most of the time, and that she'll balk at the idea of you spending too much money on her. Also doesn't worry too much about "face" value, so will not insist you do things like dress up, or treat all her friends to dinner, just to give her "face". She thinks that's nuts. Also has a wide open sense of humour and will laugh at most things other girls think are disgusting or uncivilised. Just make sure they're not malicious strikes at her friends or family or she will crush you beneath her Converse sandals.

Her main weakness is she does not doll up. Forget about her always togged in the latest fashions or always looking hot. To her, she'd rather be comfortable, so you're most likely to see her in T-shirts, or tanks and jeans most of the time. Her fashion sense is about 2 seasons out of date. Her makeup is non-existent, her face is clogged up with blackheads and oil, her nails are horrifying long, and she could stand to lose about 5 kg. She has terrible posture, her shoulders slouch, she has no grace when she walks, and at home, has a habit of propping one foot up on the chair like some kopitiam beng. She also eats too much fast food and she loves fries.

If you think you are willing to accept all the above, and love and cherish her to the end of days, please make contact for a screening test and interview session. What, you think it's gonna be that easy? She doesn't just pick up any old joe from the street you know.


A bit ego, but a bit gratifying too.


And to all who are disappointed in love, I can now tell you that the best solution is to go rollerblading. Yes, rollerblading. After the teh session, I woke up this morning at an abominable time and without clocking enough hours of sleep. Damn internal clock. Putting in mind what jcsz said about throwing things behind me, I went for a morning blading session to take my mind off things a while.

Damn, it worked. After a while, you're too busy concentrating on keeping your balance, making turns and avoiding the crowd of people in the park to worry about anything else in your life. That's why blading is good therapy. It forces you to think about other stuff, mainly not slipping and falling on your butt big time.

Which incidentally is what happened to me. I lost my balance at one stage, my skates flew out from under me and I landed on my butt so hard, I felt the impact on my ass.

Then up my spine.

Then to my lower teeth.

Lower teeth chattered and hit upper teeth.

Impact from upper teeth travelled over skull.

From skull travelled down spine again.

Then to ass.

Where it become one hell of an ass-ache. Bloody, bloody hell. And all that happened within the space of half a second. I had to sit there in the middle of the path for a while, to get my bearings back again, and I realised how apathetic Singaporeans are, because I sat there for a few minutes, and like 3 or 4 people went by me, before a lady took pity on me, and asked me if I was all right. Geez.

But the fall was actually in a weird, sado-masochistic sense, good for me, because after the fall, I had to heave myself up on my skates again, and continue skating. And shouldn't life be like that? We fall, we hurt, but we still have to get up again and continue the ride. And what a ride it was. Once I got my sense of balance again, I was happily whizzing down the paths, feeling the wind in my face, and flying free again.

The secret of life in a pair of blades. Who'd've thunk? Forget all those expensive therapy bills and Valium pills. Invest in a good pair of skates, learn, and everytime you think life sucks, go out and blade. Trust me, it's good for you.

Though not necessarily for your ass.

Thanks for bearing with me till now. As a prize, here's something I saw on the Net about How Singapore May Have Been.