I am Jell-O

Reading through Xiaxue's blog entry on Sat about guys preferring "shu nus" [chinese. Shu4 Nu3. I tink that's how it goes] struck a chord in me. Seeing her words, her ravings, minus [most of] the fucks...... those could have been my words. My thoughts. Although I donno if they would have been ravingly blurted out on a website like that, I recognise the sentiments behind them.

Quoted:
Because you know what? Gentle, sweet, irritatingly perfect "creme brulee" Cameron Diaz got the man instead of arrogent, confident "jell-o" Julia Roberts. And no matter what Roberts says about how her character is unique, distinct and true, she can jolly well fuck herself because the guy making love to Diaz (thats right, its the flighty nitwits), not her.
~Xiaxue

You hear the same advice repeated over and over from tons of different friends. There will be someone out there for you. Be patient. Wait and the goods will come to you. [and just as Xiaxue said, the advice mostly came from friends who were happily attached at the moment. No offence guys, but...] Well, I've waited 23 years [technically er, about 10 years, since I started puberty?] and I'm still single. For all my uniqueness, my distinctness, and my trueness, I'm still pretty wandering the earth by my lonesome.

The feeling is worse when you're around people, ironically, because it just highlights how by yourself you are. After Dragonfly and I parted on Sat and I went down to the Science Centre, this feeling struck me again.

Standing in the middle of a huge crowd of people, walking their own directions. Most of them with someone else. And everyone moves to avoid you, unconsciously, as if they barely noticed you, as if you were just a lamppost in the road.

Even when you stand in the middle of all of humanity, you manage to maintain a space, a boundary around you that no one feels compelled to enter.

And the one thing that managed to fly in, above the uncaring crowd, landed on your back, where you couldn't notice it, though you felt its presence. You know it's there, you want to make contact, but it remains perched on your back, and for reasons unknown, it refuses to move.

Not even to look face to face with you.

Melodramatic, yes. The sentiments have rubbed off on me. I'm going to escape up to my room now and lose myelf in a book.

Leastways that way I avoid having to think any more deeper about this.

On a happier sidenote, Carl Jensen's "I have seen the world begun" is a most engaging read. The book is a series of thoughts and essays that he wrote while travelling in China, Cambodia and Vietnam, and his viewpoint on things is... penetrating? Insightful? I donno how to describe it well. Just to say that he doesn't just describe the physical of what he sees, but also the thoughts, the ideas, the Soul behind the places and people he sees. [my methods of expression are really horrendous and lacking. this is what happens when you don't stimulate your mind. argh.] This is the kind of tourist-writer that I won't mind becoming.

That way I won't just go to a place and later proclaim "there's nothing to see". :p *friendly jibe*