What do we learn?

It's been a good long break since the last post, during which there were medical appointments and Chinese New Year preparations, so I've been busy, sorry! Now that everything is done and work is settling down, I finally found some time to do a simple book cover with a greeting card.

The process of doing this is easy enough because all you really have to do is wrap the greeting card with a cover paper of your choice, so while I was making it, I had time to do some musings over the whole idea of crafting.

This particular occasion, I remembered a line I heard a parent say to a child over the taking up of music in school:

"You don't pursue music all the way unless you want to become a musician. If you don't, then there's no point in pursuing it in school to this extent."

That made me a little sad. We don't pursue a craft just to earn money from it, surely. Yes, it would be great if we did and we could live off what we loved. But, even if we don't get to, even if we have to keep our 9-5 jobs, does that necessarily mean there is no use for the craft that we love to do? 

(Here when I write craft, I refer to a interest that we work at for a sustained period of time in order to gain mastery of it. This could include art, craft, playing an instrument, photography, writing etc...)

What then, do we take away from our craft? Do we do it so that one day we could quit our 9-5 jobs? Do we do it just for the end product, to have something pretty to hold in our hands? To have something useful that will serve a meaningful purpose in our lives? 

Then what do we gain when we don't achieve what we set out to do? When we fail at it? When we don't make money or a living out of it? Does that mean our craft becomes useless or hopeless?

Think of your craft then not in terms of the material products it produces. Think in terms of the values and skills you learn and then it becomes clearer.

Real life example: When I volunteered for the violin recital, many people thought I was nuts. Even on the day of the recital, after all the practice I did, I still played nearly half the song off key. It would seem like a total bomb, but I still took away several lessons from my recital attempt:

Persistence - To keep trying even when our first attempts bomb. I thought I knew what persistence meant till I volunteered for this and to my horror realized at the start how far out of my depth I was. I had to keep practising and practising to reach a semi-acceptable level and then I realized what real persistence meant. 

Mindfulness - To reflect on our mistakes, think of what went wrong and what to do about it in the future. Mindless practising would have seen me playing the song wrongly a hundred times a day. I have to learn deliberate practice, in which after each attempt, I thought about the parts that went wrong and concentrated on making those parts right before going on to the rest of the song. Each time I practised, I had to keep a mindful eye (or ear) out for those parts to make sure I got them right.

Ability to withstand failure - To stand with grace under pressure even amidst total failure. When I finished the recital piece, I knew it wasn't good. But more importantly, I learnt that it was ok that it wasn't good. Life still went on, my family and friends were still around me and I could still continue playing the violin (badly). Whether the rest of the audience thought it was good or not didn't matter because they were so temporary in my life, which would go on even long after they had forgotten my performance.

When I looked at my violin playing this way, then it didn't really matter how well or how badly I played. I still learnt and continued to learn these lessons, which would follow me in other areas of life. And when I looked at the rest of the crafts that I pursued, I could see other values that I had learnt:

Meticulousness - To be exact and deliberate in your activities. My first few crafting and painting attempts were very haphazardly done and it showed. Paper stuck out at the wrong angles, paint jobs were done poorly and I felt it was because I tended to rush through my actions without thought for measurement or precision. Now this works well in some instances, but since I wanted a finished job that looked close to professional, I had to learn to be more meticulous and precise in what I did. Now when I make a new journal, I have learnt to be more exact in the way I cut and paste the paper and I'm a lot more proud of the products I produce. 

Patience and self-forgiveness - Things will still go wrong, no matter how hard or often you try. Songs will still be played wrongly, paint will be applied wrongly, paper will be cut or pasted wrongly. At times like this, when I want to throw everything into the rubbish chute in despair, I learn to tell myself to cool down and more importantly, forgive myself for my mistakes. It's ok to make these kind of mistakes and there's always a way to bounce back from them if we are willing to learn. That's important because I also learnt to apply this when I mess up in other areas, like work and tell myself it's ok in the long run, I will bounce back. 

So maybe in a way, this is a practice for when my own child faces the same reactions when he wants to pursue his own craft. There will be people who will tell him there's no use or money in it and that he's better off pursuing his career or his job. When they do, I hope I will remember this blog entry so that someone will tell him, "No, there is purpose, life and love in doing what we love and this is how I learnt it."

Make Useful Stuff

Following up from the last post about how Creative Output must = Material Input, I managed to do a few more little projects with my junk, er, creative supplies. I happily cut and pasted to make some more art journal pages to my satisfaction. Then I wondered why did some of these make me feel so contented? Well, one reason of course is that I was starting to make some pages which I felt happy looking at. I liked the messages that I was writing and I liked the way it turned out so nicely.

This brought me to another thought, that when we make something creative, we should also

MAKE USEFUL STUFF

Now, some would interpret this as "It has to serve a practical purpose" but my definition is a bit wider than that. How would you know if something is useful? Ask yourself the following:

👍 Is what you made useful? Does it help you to do something or achieve a goal? 

One example of this would be the pen holders I made from old film cans. I needed something to hold small pens and the holders fit that purpose perfectly. It helped me to achieve the goals of organizing my desk, and being creative.

👍 Does it make you feel good, or 'spark joy' like what Marie Kondo describes in her book? Here as examples are 2 old art journal pages I did. They don't have any practical purpose. They don't act as storage, they're too big to use as bookmarks and too light as paperweights. I can't even write on them because they're no longer blank. Yet when I look at them, they remind me of important messages that I should carry through life. One is the obvious message that they carry and the other is that I am capable of making beautiful pieces if I just try. Certainly, when I look at them, they 'spark joy' in me. 

👍 Does it teach you something? Do you learn something out of it? This is one of my first attempts with watercolour painting:  

You can tell it's not good at all and you find any redeeming feature in it, you are a good, kind friend and I thank you. By all appearances, this particular painting does not serve any practical purpose. There's no inspirational message and in fact, it's kind of gloomy. Plus the technique really sucks.

But it did lead on to a later piece, which is this:

This is still not a fine piece of art but isn't it miles above the first in technique? That's the useful purpose of the first piece, not as a piece of art on its own, but as a stepping stone to a better piece. 

It was hard to grasp that some of the uglier stuff I did early on could serve any useful purpose at all. At times, it seemed impossible with the skills I had then that I could produce anything marginally useful. The key for me was not to dismiss my early attempts as proof that I totally sucked, but to see them as small steps to a bigger thing. Then it was easier to continue, because I saw myself en route to bigger things. 

This can be hard. Especially when you are faced with the shrapnel of all your failed attempts and a trash bin full of paper, the inspirational quotations about learning 99 ways how not to build a light bulb seem pretty shallow. Be kind to yourself and accept your own shortfalls and failures. Even if you don't churn out anything remotely useful or beautiful at the end of your life, you still would have learnt something you didn't before. That also makes it useful. 😉

Reflections on July

It's with a mild sense of panic that I realize that we are officially in the 2nd half of the year. What have I done?? What have I accomplished? How am I going to do all the other stuff I wanted to do????

Last month onto this, I got hit off the tracks when I went off on holiday and I came back to a flurry of work. This has happened many times before, when I went overseas or took a long break and not just on my personal goals, but at work as well. Suddenly I forgot how to write my to-do lists, how to remember my deadlines, how to set goals for myself and then everything rushes in together.

So mid-August is a good time to take a quick stock check. Where am I with my goals? What did I accomplish? How did I do it? What did I fail in? Why did I fail? How can I set myself up to pass next time?

My goals for July were: 

Photography: To read up on Daido Moriyama
I found this hard at first because books on Daido Moriyama were crazily hard to find. I thought I would be able to buy a good book on him and read it at my leisure, but then I couldn't find any good (or affordable) photo book or biography anywhere in the major bookstores! A photobook seller in Peninsula finally told me that was the case with his books and that the same situation existed in Japan, where his books are primarily sold. -_-!!! 

Finally though, I hit paydirt at the National Library - I found Tales of Tono, Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog.

Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog were only available in the reference section, so I couldn't borrow them out. I had to make special trips to Victoria Street to read them, which made them more troublesome and at the same time, more fascinating. (Why some books end up in the reference section, I don't know) The more I read about him, the more fascinated I became with him as a photographer since I identified with certain parts of his philosophy towards photography.

But... that's a subject for another blog post. Let me write up my notes into something coherent first. :p

So I would say in this goal I was fairly successful. I managed to find the books though reading them was quite troublesome. I also learned quite a bit as well.

Next step to levelling up? Getting my essay done... (sigh)

Violin: To practise at least twice a week - COMPLETE FAIL

This goal is one I continuously set for myself and continuously fail at. Every month that I tell myself to practise, to practise, the violin stays neglected in its case and next thing I know, it's time for lesson/practice time again. -_-!!! 

So let's take a good hard look at meself: Why am I failing at this?

I'm restricting myself to practising in the afternoon. I keep telling myself to practise in the afternoon because I'm worried about neighbours complaining if I practise at 8-9pm. Which means, if I'm stuck at work till late, I end up not practising at all if I return home after dinner. Would my neighbours really raise their pitchforks if I practised at 8, after dinner and yet when people are not going to bed yet? I don't know because I never tried, having spent most of that time watching TV while eating dinner. -_-!!! 

And then at night, there's always other stuff to do...... Easier stuff like reading or painting that doesn't require the same amount of effort as the violin. So I always take the easy way out for myself.

Terrible. It's like wanting to lose weight but eating another chicken burger. I keep telling myself I want to be a good violin player but I fail to put in the practice needed.

The solution for this is easy in principle, yet another matter in practice. I need to set practice days and times (which I have been doing) and actually set about to doing it, never mind fatigue or complaints (which I have NOT been doing).

Watercolour: To paint at least 2 pieces in watercolour.

This goal I managed because I was so lousy with keeping the one about the violin practice. :D I did a few pieces and here are the 3 better ones:

                                          

The one I'm most proud of is of course, the 3rd one, and this is one goal I felt I showed the most progress in the least amount of time and the one I enjoyed the most. 


There were several things that made this goal easier to accomplish. One, paint and brush were always within easy reach on my table. All I really had to do was plonk my butt on my chair and open them up to start. This also made them a good destresser from work as well. Compare this to having to heft my violin up and stand for the entire time I practise......

Also, having a reference book helped. That way, I didn't have to think of what to practise. I just opened to the last page I stopped at and did whatever was on that page. Again, a good remedy for a hard day at work.

Lastly, I also think that the artwork was a strong visible motivator. Once the painting was done, it was an obvious indicator of my effort and progress and one that could be looked at again and again for inspiration. Whereas with violin playing, I couldn't tell whether my pitch really was improving or not.

All in all, no wonder I found more fun in reaching the art goal.......

Still, they are things to consider if I want to become a good violin player. So with those in mind, my goals in August are:

French - To refresh what I learned and complete at least 2 more chapters
Writing - To work on the text for my book idea
Violin - Once again.........

Wish me luck!      

Practising with watercolours

My very wet, very unpolished swatches of watercolour. This was a practice on blending the colours but I also added the title and scribbled some notes to, er, make it look more artistic lah... Otherwise it'd be rather boring, no?

I was thinking some thoughts as I was doing this about how little I hear of people actually doing this. I mean this as in 

1) give artistic creativity free rein without thought of future reward or consequence and 

2) actually bothering to do this rather than watch TV or Youtube. (Yes, my mind does wander even while I'm concentrating on getting the blending right) 

To the first, I suppose living in pragmatic Singapore could be part of the cause. A lot of people will not understand the point of spending/wasting time painting ugly stuff when it is pretty clear that there are no benefits to be gained. (ie, you will not be a successful painter/musician/dancer/actor) Even fewer will understand why you do it when it is painfully obvious that you have no clear talent at it. (ie, you suck lah)

A very, very, rare few will understand that it is something that is done simply because you want to do it and get better at it.

I mean, take this exercise in painting. Why am I doing this at all? It has no immediate benefit to my short term future, ie, I'm not going to sell the sketchbook page above for millions one day, nor will I be quitting my job in even the next 10 years to sell watercolour swatches for a million a piece. I'm well aware that to many Singaporeans, what I'm doing is a childish exercise. Yes, yes, very nice rectangles, just like what we did in Primary school. Now grow up and get on with life already. 

To others, it is a waste of a limited reserve of effort. Some people will say at this point, "Life is so hard, we work all day, take care of children/parents/pets at night, why would you do something as tiring and fruitless as this? Iphone/iPad/TV/Internet/Facebook is easier lah." or "I have no energy to do this after work. I'm so tired I would rather just lie on the couch with the cats."

Yes, I do have a lot of inner critics and I hear this all the time. (The only one I'd grant the excuse of tiredness is the parent. Yes, I think I would be tired too.)

Which means I also learned ways to counter them.

1) Not everything is about immediate gain and visible show of talent. True success comes also from grit and perseverance. Which is why I believe it's important that I not only show the successes on my blog, but I also show the duds, like the practice page above.

2) Equally important is also what you learn from the duds. You either learn that you suck as a loser, or that you have some stuff you need to improve. One of these lead to better mental health and I think it is clear which.

3) Spending time like this on a hobby takes sweat, grit and effort, I admit. You actually have to pay money for the paint, brushes, paper and book to learn and there have been many times when I come home exhausted, able to do nothing other than lie on my sofa with the cats and the nut. TV at that point is very tempting.

Then after a while, I realised that I wasn't achieving anything (other than a waistline). Spending my time like this, what did I have to show for in my life? What excuse did I have for all my unfulfilled hopes, dreams and aspirations?

More importantly, if I went on like this, what example would I show any future kids of mine? What do I have of me that my kids can look up to? What will people say at my funeral? "Oh, she watched a lot of Doctor Who, and maybe some CSI." That's when I cracked out the paints and the books. At the end of my life, I'd like people to talk and laugh over the millions of bad paintings I did, the horrible photos I took and the fugly craft projects I did and from there, create a picture of me as a whole person, with likes, dislikes, talents, screw-ups and all the stuff I did in my life to show for it. 

Maybe, if I'm lucky, by the end of my life, I'd even have a good number of good stuff to show for my efforts too.

Till then, I want to keep trying in every little way I can. Even baby steps will help a baby to stand up on its own one day. 

Watercolour Flowers - Progress!

I had blogged earlier about my fail with watercolours, now I'm happy to report some progress! 

Today I tried the watercolours again, after reading about the colour wheel and trying it out on the sketchbook. I felt I always used the same warm colours repeatedly so this time why not try a colour I don't use often? I also tried sketching some flowers (species of which I believe doesn't exist but who's caring?) and then painting them. 

The pics below show the flowers as I painted:

After sketching, I painted the basic colours I wanted.

 Felt the page was too empty, so added some background shading and flower shapes.

Added some finer detail and definition to the petals with colour pencils.

Not perfect yet, but I'm proud of myself for the progress I made. It's all about taking pride in the small steps before the bigger ones! Not only that, I also realized that by doing so I achieved one of my personal goals for the month! Hooya~!

Seems that a few things helped:

- Knowing your equipment, eg, how much water comes out of my water brush, how much paint it can hold, how to press the brush to the paper. Practising with your equipment beforehand can make a big difference in results. This includes a few failures. :p

- Reading and researching what you can on your topic. I don't normally use purple and would not have done so if I didn't read about it in the library book I borrowed.

Onwards to the next goal!

Goals for July

After half a year, it's time to ask myself: how I am progressing with my personal goals? 

Something Old
I finally restarted my piano this year. After finally having access to one, I realised how absorbing and fulfilling it is to play music that I loved. [I especially love the music of Les Miserables!] I rediscovered my writing skills and am finding that as long as I make the time for it, blogging is not really that difficult for me. 

Art and creativity is also something that recurs again and again, whether it's drawing, doodling or larger pieces. I keep going back to my markers and I am loving my watercolours. 

Photography was also pursued in many formats, film, digital and iPhone, and again, recurred again and again. I am loving taking photos with Pusheen >D and I keep wanting to put a camera in my bag.

These made me realize that although I have a wide variety of interests [gym, journalling, violin, piano, french, japanese, reading etc, etc] there are some that I kept going back to again and again. I guess you can call them my core interests and these are the ones that will define me for life. 

Something New
Yet, I am ever curious to keep trying other stuff. So I will continue trying new stuff, new craft, new instruments (!), new languages and just trying to make the best of it however I can with my highly limited time and lifespan. These include:

- Learning French, Spanish, Italian, Indonesian, Cantonese (argh!!!) 
- Playing the violin (I really, really ought to practise more)
- Crafting (bookbinding, journalling, sewing and others) 
- Writing, blogging

And reading, reading, reading......

I do want to improve in what I do, rather than remain stagnant, so I thought of giving myself skill upgrades. This is when I either do additional research into a topic of interest or 'upping' the level of something I am currently doing. So for the rest of 2016, these are...

My Skill Upgrades
- Playing a grade 8 piece on the piano
- Learning how to do watercolours properly (started already, with a book from the library)
- Reading up on the various photography masters and doing film photo projects based on them (I started reading Henri Cartier-Bresson but no photo project yet!) 
- Blogging at least once a week 
- Doing some art at least once a month (to produce some really proper work!) 

And to keep learning fresh,

My New Learning
- Continue to learn French grammar
- Practise the violin (I know, this comes up again and again......)
- Continue journalling and learning from other journalling gurus I follow online
- Writing, writing, writing. Writing book reviews. Writing diary entries. Writing better blog posts and reviews. Writing short stories. Writing a book. (Even if it doesn't get sold.)

Ok, so I know the limits of myself and my own time. I definitely won't be able to finish all these goals at once which is why I've been setting myself monthly ones. I have to pick and choose and try to balance my choices out. 

So my personal goals for this month of July:
- Read up on my next photography master: Daido Moriyama
- Practise watercolours and do at least 2 pieces in my watercolour sketchbook (Otherwise, I buy for what??) 
- Practise the violin (This is now crucial as my violin teacher will be away for a month! Help!!!) 
- Start planning to write my book. Read and research first with the book I got. (Crossing fingers for this) 

Ambitious enough? (sweat) But even if I don't meet all of them, and you know I don't always, er, at least I would hope the journey getting there makes it worth it. I might not reach the level of proficiency I would wish for but I would have gotten higher than where I was at first. 

Crossing my fingers and wish me luck! 

It's May!

Time definitely flies faster when I'm back at work! Suddenly it's almost time for the holidays and there are still a million and one things that I have yet to do! So how is my progress so far on my personal goals? Time for a reflection......

1. Read the book each day
Sidetracked! I read everything except my writing book! After one trip to the library and a couple more to Kino, suddenly I have more books and magazines I need to finish! Argh!

On another note, the book I am currently reading is very interesting because it's something I can relate to:

The Late Starters Orchestra is written by Ari Goldman. At the age of 60, he decided to finally pursue his longtime dream of playing the cello. In his book, he writes about the words of his long-deceased cello teacher, Mr J, and about the openness and friendliness he encountered while joining the Late Starters Orchestra. 

The LSO is a real group of people and they believe that anyone should be allowed to play an instrument in an orchestra, regardless of skill and ability. They are a real group and you can read more about them by clicking this here link.

A very familiar scenario for me as my violin rests on the wall to my right! The book is worth a read as Goldman writes in a very easy-to-read style and I think anyone who is in the process of learning something as an adult will identify with the struggles and difficulties he faced.

(Ah ha, I think I just wrote a book review for April!)

2. Write a story from Pocket Muse every week.

I managed to write only 1 short story, which is The Loudest Person. Why did I fail so badly on this one?

I attribute it to lack of proper planning. I've been planning my personal goals by writing them on a desk calendar. However, I failed to realize just how tired I would be after school and how that would affect my creativity. On some days, even when I tried, I could only sit and stare at the book because nothing would come to mind.

This is important because if I'm that tired, it would not just affect my writing but also all those other areas I want to work on, like my art. It would also affect my violin and piano playing. (I would probably end up using the massage chair at the 'piano studio' more) So what does this tell me?

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.

Don't get so caught up with trying to finish all the work in school. Plan lessons and keep in mind what work I would expect to mark after lessons. Plan which I should mark on that day and which I can leave for another day. Finish all planned marking in school so that I feel fresher after school. Don't plan for too many mentally intensive activities on the same night.

That being said, I also realized that the time after dinner at home is a great time to flex creative muscle. It's peaceful and cooler and it becomes easier to relax and think. All I have to do is close myself in the study and leave the man to the TV.

3. Start Writing Project

Argh, this one also took a hit. I have to start again on this one. 

So What Now?

So there are some hits and some misses. I do realize now that if I want to focus on something for the month, I have to plan for it to actually happen. Writing in my desk calendar helps so I will continue to do so. 

Even then, there are times I will also miss out. That means that when I plan for something, I have to step into the study and start, anyway and any old how. As long as I start something or step into somewhere, I can start. 

Although, at least I have some slight achievement. I have one story, which is one more than I did before -_-!!! But I still have to continue progressing, so what am I aiming for in May?

Photography
To complete at least 2 photography ideas, whether it be doubles or other Lomographic weirdness.
Music
To practise my violin and piano at least twice a week
French
To do one section of French a day, excepting weekends. For this, I started a diary page in my journal where I will write one sentence in (badly written) French each day. 

Wish me luck! Bonne chance!