Dragonfly Reloaded

I can't believe the entire Dragonfly Saga took slightly more than 2 weeks. Somehow it feels much longer than that. Many thanks to Quet's advice on her blog. It's something I've heard before, but somehow find it hard to act on. Will keep it in mind, and try to positively act on it. :)

I attribute all the actions of the past week to hormones. One should never try to think about emotional issues when one is high on hormones or PMS-ing. Because then you do [and type] weird stuff and then later on, when your estrogen levels drop, and you become a rational human being again, you wonder, What the hell did I do all that for???

Thanks to all the advice, comments, and inquiries about my general state of mental health. I'm fine. Really, I am. And yes, I think I should write a novel about this or something. Might prove therapeutic.

The Dragonfly is still on my shoulder, and I haven't shooed him away or sprayed him with Baygon. And yes, he knows about the contents of this blog, and has read the entire saga too. More details later.

But anyway, maybe I should explain a bit more about the events over the past week. It'll explain [sorta] why I've been so down this past weekend and sorta clear up things I guess. Besides, Dragonfly's in reservist this week so perchance he won't get to read this entry at all! Mwahahahaha!

Anyway, I think the trouble all started when I went out on Friday. After helping out at the CJC library, we went to the Village at China Square. [it's a marche ripoff, even down to the cows] Then I found out that they sold Long Island Teas for the cheapo price of $9! Usually in pubs they sell these jokers for about $18 each, so yay!

I drank about 2 cups of the stuff and as the night went on, felt my sense of balance slowly slipping, slipping...... Lucky got Matt, Jeff and Tiong to see me to the MRT station. [otherwise I might've popped into 7-11 to buy another bottle] Take my word for it, I wasn't drunk. I was perfectly aware of what I was saying and doing, just that I was saying a lot of rubbish lah. Eg: On the way to the MRT station, we passed a group of NJC students and I said in a rather loud, slightly off tone: "What are NJ students doing here on a Friday night ah? Not at home studying ah?" before Jeff shooed me off hurriedly. I knew what I was doing, just that er, I thought it would be rather fun to say it and have them hear it.

So I was a bit "saeh" that night lor. And qiao of all qiao I meet Dragonfly at Bishan Mrt.

We walked home, and came to this sorta crossroads. Well, actually it's a staircase lah. Staircase up leads to his house. Cross the road, leads to my house. We stood there talking for a while. And then he said bye and went up to his house.

I was a bit pissed at that, because hey, it's midnight, I told you I was a bit saeh, and you couldn't take the 15 mins to walk me home because you had to go up and do a report?

I knew I was a bit more off than I thought....... Now it all sounds so damn baka when I see the words being typed down. Godammit.

So I called jcsz and we went for teh at the local kopitiam where I poured out all my frustrations over him, frustration at dragonflies, frustration at being single, and a lot of Bridget-style despair over police finding my decayed corpse in my 1-room flat being chewed by all my cats... ok, scratch that last part.

Simply put, PMS and alcohol do NOT a good match make. And how do I know it was partly PMS? Because my period started on Sunday and I suddenly became more lucid, and my brain emerged again. Like all the bad blood literally flowed out.... haha, disgusting joke I know.

Now this is where this post comes in. That was typed on Saturday morning, and I was feeling a bit better after my skating.

Well, not exactly, because my mom screamed at me and my bro for being lazy bastards the moment she woke up, effectively spoiling both our mornings. Great, another woman in the household on PMS. I went off for Jap in a semi-gloom-pissed mood.

Jap was ok, until halfway during the class, I decided to check my SMS. One of them was from him and it said:

what dragonfly?

and then OH NO!!!!! HE READ MY BLOG!!! HE KNOWS! HE FRICKIN' KNOWS! OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL DID I TYPE EXACTLY???? WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK???

Calm down, calm down, I told myself, and then replied him:

oh did u c my blog?

And then no answer. This is where my mind starts to go wild. Is he mad? Is he pissed? Is he offended? Is he ever going to talk to me again as a friend? I tried to concentrate on my jap, but the train of thought went on many pit stops...

"Hai, now repeat, one to ten, ok? Ikimasho." said sensei. The whole class starts to chant, including myself.

"Hitori..."

"Futari..."

"Sannin..."
Is he offended by what I said on my blog?

"Gonin..."
Chia lat, why doesn't he reply me?

"Kyuunin..."
Why am I so kan cheong? Why should I be sorry for writing what I feel? What's it to him?

"Juunin..."

"ARGH!!!!!!!!!" I scream, "ANO KITANAI!!!" and fling my notes into the air while the rest of the class looks at me in bewilderment.

No, no that last part didn't happen. Really... What happened was instead, during break, I phone jcsz.

"OMG HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS THE STUFF I TOLD YOU LAST NITE BECAUSE I WROTE IT ON MY FRICKIN' BLOG. WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT."

"So? Let him read lah! It's how you really feel what!"

"But what if he doesn't want to talk to me again? I don't wanna lose a friend just like that leh!"

"If he's gonna drop you just like that, he's not WORTH having as a friend even! Don't worry about it, and just concentrate on your japanese!"

Sound advice... falling on a slightly unsound mind. Remember what I said about mind going wild when no replies to SMSes are received? Pisceans living with one foot in fantasy? My mind goes crazy and finally I send him this:

Hey... R U upset at me? I hope u din take offence or anything.

Why the frickin' hell did I do that? I donno. For the life of me, I DUNNO. If you put me up on a box in Abu Gharaid, holding 2 electric wires and forced me to explain, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO. It'll be much easier for me to simply jump off and trust to Fate.

So then... he doesn't reply! My mind goes into a whirl and later when I meet Candle for dinner, I blurt out everything to her. Thank god I was meeting her for dinner because if I was alone, I think I would have gone even crazier. I told her all that transpired over that Friday night, I told her what he sent me, and I told her how crazy I was feeling just then. At the height of my frenzy, he replied my last SMS:

Huh? I just woke up.

ARGH!!!! KITANAI!!!! ANO SAITEI KITANAI! BAKANA INU! ANO YARIMAN! ANO BAKA! SHINE! SHINE! SHINE KUDASAI---------------! [Ok, you guys shouldn't know the meaning of those words, but I think you get the gist.]I go through all that worrying and he was freakin' ASLEEP????? More head banging in order.

BANG~

BANG~

BANG~

But anyway, Candle did make an interesting point that evening.

"Are you sure you don't like him?"

"Huh?" We were walking along the Citylink underpass, and I was admiring the Shrek mural when suddenly she asks me this. "Well, I think I don't like him in that way right now. I have the feeling that he's too busy with his work to spare any time for a relationship, and I'm not sure I can live with being a supporting role to his life."

"Now that's weird, because you're acting just like --- did when she was trying to chase that blockhead. [names blocked out to preserve anonymity] The words you wrote on your last entry, if he doesn't want to do anything, fine! I'll find myself another guy and show him!, don't you think that's exactly like what she said the other time?"

"Uh.... did she?" I rack my brains, and realise she's right. I don't remember the exact words but I remember the sentiments --- was conveying at the time.

"And that time, --- was the one doing the chasing, and she was frustrated at the guy not responding. YOUR one is reversed."

"So you mean it's sorta like I'm the prey begging to be eaten, but the predator isn't doing anything."

"Exactly."

What the freak? What's going on with me now?

"It's a very simple explanation." jcsz says, as he's driving down the CTE. It's now Sunday afternoon, and we were planning a leisurely afternoon in town.

"What?"

"It's not quite that you like the guy, but more like you like the idea of being chased. The attention, the idea that somebody likes you that way. That's why when he doesn't pay you any attention, you start to want that attention."

Once again.... so true. The more I think about it, the more I feel that's how it is. After being in singlehood for so long, and being convinced that you're somehow repulsive to the entire male race, the idea that someone could actually like you is pretty ego-boosting. I'm not exactly in love with the guy, I'm more in love with the idea that he loves me.

Is love supposed to be this godammed confusing? Or is anything to do with emotions pretty much the same? Because even though I feel what jcsz said is right, there's also a flutter of uncertainty as well. Like maybe mostly it is... and a little bit it's not?

I shouldn't think. I always get into more problems when I think.

And then later my monthly friend pays me a visit, so he sends me off home early, and I go straight to bed, not wanting to think about anything else besides when these damned cramps are gonna end. I wake up in time to catch Japan Hour on CNA, ogle at the crab and lobster dishes, and then go to bed again.

What a weekend. And of all things, it ends with an SMS from him.

paiseh, went out with parents din bring phone

I reply back:

well jus tot dat when u said u din have e habit of answering yr sms... how true, how true

We go on for a while, and then he asks:

So whose dragonfly? me ah? haha

My face turns a deep shade of crimson and suddenly I feel like hiding it under my pillows. It turns out that he saw my blog, got curious about the dragonfly, and then read the entire saga. Oh freaking shit. Just when I thought he was too busy to care, he suddenly gets interested and finds out the whole thing.

But anyway, it's slightly better this way lah. For one, I know he wasn't offended or anything by my last entries, and for another, I know he's still willing to talk to me. Even though I'm not sure exactly how I feel about him, I know that at least I didn't totally turn him away from me.

Because even if we don't work out in a relationship, I still want us to stay friends. I still want to maintain that basic level of friendship, and I don't want it to be awkward when we meet.

And at least with this blog, though it's caused me more anxiety than I thought it was worth over the weekend, at least he knows my feelings and how things are going on in my end. [even though it seems like I'm the one who needs to know what's going on in the other end]

So... the saga continues... The one lesson I take from all this, is to not anyhow post stuff on the Net when pumped with estrogen. And to not always wildly imagine stuff that aren't there most of the time. And to remember that there are always other aspects of my life to think about, my dreams, my students, my art, my friends. My world doesn't revolve around Dragonfly, and it shouldn't. There are other humans around me, and I shouldn't completely discount them altogether. There are other dreams for me to live for, and I shouldn't just chuck them aside either.

And when it comes to a relationship with him... I think I'm too screwed with hormones and emotions to think clearly on this. I need to start thinking rationally about how I really feel about him, and how I feel about a relationship with him. To do anything without considering this would be unfair to him and would just make us end up like that arguing couple in the street. Which I don't want. I have to make sure my foundations are secure and strong before I do anything. Remain the status quo, until I'm ready to roll the dice and move so many squares forward.

What a screwed up weekend. Sigh. Hope this week goes a bit better... and a little calmer. I've had enough of this kind of excitement, thank you very much. :p