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Thursday, May 31, 2007

First up, sorry for lack of updates.

My life has been hitting a kind of low right now. I've had piles of dusty mites to sweep up at work, [a metaphor, and not a reference to the actual amount of dirt around] a menopausal mother at home, who created no small amount of hell for me over the weekend, and a boyfriend who has become more distant and incommunicado than he has ever been, by going on a 5 day holiday in Perth with his friends, followed by 2 weeks in Indo with his family.

Consequently, not the happiest of my days right now. For a period of time, I was yoyoing between "Why does my mother hate me?" and "Why doesn't he seem to love me?" and I freely admit, it was creating all kinds of havoc with my emotions.

I'm caught in some kind of a Ping Pong game right about now. My mother's raging makes me look for affection some where else, which makes her rage even more, cos I'm not home a lot, but because he's overseas, and also helluva block, I'm not getting the affection I want from him, and I bounce off again, and I don't know where I land up after that. Then I spend a lot of time alone, wandering, and wondering why nobody loves me. :( Drama, I know.

Strange, you'd think given my current lifestyle I should be having a lot more stability than this, but I'm not. It helps when I'm out with people, so I try to meet up with friends when we can, or I think of watching movies or shows. [I've caught Bridge to Terabithia, Priceless and Midsummer's Night Dream at Fort Canning in this way, and I can't say that I've regretted those]

Week after next, I'll be doing the Ultimate Reality Escape and flying off to Greece with 3 other friends, but the one prevailing thought on my mind is whether he'll want to meet me before I fly off or is he really that nonchalant about not seeing me for a total of 5 weekends. :(

Once again, I wonder why I have so much trouble on those fundamental relationships in one's life that others seem to have no problem with.

Talking with Jules one night made me think that I was making the same kind of mistakes with him that my mother was making with me. That we were both expecting all kinds of things from another, without that other person being aware of those expectations, or not willing to live up to those expectations. And when we don't get our expectations met, we fume and we piss and we moan and we cry.

[That could easily turn into another thing to blame my mother for, but nah... the DF will be a block regardless of my mother or not]

It turns out that the parental influences in one's lives are more influential than we give them credit for, apparently. Now the question is, how to combat this?

Very confused right now. And always wishing my life could be better.

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