The Bitter Single's Guide to Vday...

All gals who are single, whether by choice or circumstance, this v-day. Don't you wish you could just crawl up and die? On this fateful feast of St Valentine's, the whole world is celebrating their joyful union with another human being... and you're like the plug that can't find a socket to fit in.

Fret and cry no more. Aki brings you her 10 ways of surviving this V-day:

1) Wear T-shirts with the slogan "80% of all new relationships lead to breakups" and "50% of all marriages end in divorce" and walk around Orchard/Suntec/other potential places where couples may hang out

2) Gather a bunch of other bitter single female friends, choose a restaurant conveniently packed with doe-eyed couples, and proceed to have a loud, rowdy conversation about the jerks that were your exes, and how all men are scum. [actually a group of us did do something like this one year at Suntec, only the conversation revolved around blood, gore and bleeding, and more of us were single then]

3) If you're in the office, and your colleagues are raving over the huge, beautiful ( And hence expensive ) bouquets being sent to them, look over the bouquets, say in a baleful tone, "That's what my ex did before I caught him with THAT SLUT!!!!!" and then start crying uncontrollably. Hopefully your excess tears will have the bonus effect of drowning all those damn roses.

4) Stay at home, watch a movie like Rambo or some action flick with plenty of blood, gore and shooting ( Alternatively, a movie like Days of the Dead may work ) and imagine the faces of happy couples interimposed on all those bodies.

5) Dress sexily, and declare yourself lesbian for this night. If you're not having any luck with the men, maybe you'd have better luck with the women.

6) Go on a shopping spree at a sex shop. If you're not having any luck with the men, maybe you'd do better with yourself. ;p

7) Form a formidable group of bitter single females, who will hog the phonelines to the radio stations the whole day, so as to make sure only breakup songs and bitter love songs will get played, instead of the usual nauseating romantic boyband crap.

8) Sell poisoned roses and laxative-filled chocolates in town and other couple waiting spots. Then cackle when you see all those hapless males waiting for ages outside the female toilets.

9) Stalk your prey at favourite waiting spots like City Hall MRT station. Once you spot a particularly nauseating couple, run up to the guy, and scream in his face, "So THIS is what you mean by working overtime at the office on Valentine's day??? YOU BASTARD!!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!" And run away sobbing, hiding behind a convenient pillar so that you can watch the fun.

and the mother of them all......

10) Stand quietly in one spot until you have made sure that there are enough lovey couples around you. Then suddenly scream at the top of your lungs "ARGH!!!!! I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!" and run around bashing up the guys with the bouquets they were about to give, screaming "I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!" Alternatively, you may bring along your own baseball bat for this purpose.

Disclaimer: The author takes no responsibility for any bitter single female that does any of the above.

Hehehe... strangely therapeutic in a way to write such an article.... :p and to attached friends: Don't worry, I won't be hanging around town today. Hahaha...

I actually went to church this Sunday with Dragonfly and despite Hellbound's warnings, NO, lightning from Heaven did not strike me for having licentious thoughts. A few interesting points:

1. I learned that possibly half my old secondary school ( and one guy from his primary school ) goes to Risen Christ. As we were walking in, it was "Hi!" "Hi!" and "Hi!" all around. Well, at least this is not the group that is likely to spread the usual "Who's that guy she's with?" stories around, look at him with curious, mischievous glances or grill him about the exact standing of our relationship. [unlike the reaction I would get from, oh say, someone named after a waxy, light-giving device?]

2. I also learned that this lenten season, the new fashion for Catholics is SIN. That's right, sin. I sin, you sin, he sins, she sins, they sin, we all sin. We are all stinkin', despicable sinners who are unworthy of the great blessings bestowed upon us. Repent now, all thee sinners, so that thou may have a chance of licking the Blessed Toenail.

Ho boy, now THAT is likely to get me struck by lightning.... but really, the sermon was a little too Old Testament for me...

3. Risen Christ has now dispensed with the usual paper books for hymns and missals, and every word during the mass is now projected upon the cathedral walls with state of the art projectors, using powerpoint slides. And, this is coming from him, mind you, in the slide used for the Holy Communion, the wafer that's supposed to represented the Body of Christ looks like a half eaten hamburger.

Keke that's all for now.... Gotta go now... will blog again if I do make it through this love-puking day.