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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Reflections on a Year Past

Apologies for lack of entries due to my holiday obsession, which kept me from a lot of productive activity. ^_^! Now that I'm back in school, *unfortunately* you may find this blog getting a bit more dusty... *sigh* But I do still hope to keep it up.

I was reflecting on NYE on what a year 2005 had been for me, biggest changes of all being in the love and career depts of course. [what else?] It was like my life had been stagnant for all that time after I was teaching tuition, and then suddenly wham! bang! alakazam! Everything just came at once. ^_^! Even I wonder at how it happened, now that I look back on it......

But even then, 2005 I guess was the year when a lot of realism set in as well. I found out, firsthand, that relationships weren't always the bed of roses and happy endings that the movies made it to be. Even though I always knew it in some deep, dark, cynical corner of my heart, nothing beats a practical lesson to instil it in you.

But at the same time, I also learnt what it really meant to be in a relationship, that it also entailed a lot of tolerance and give-and-take. If you expected certain things out of your other, then your other also is entitled to certain expectations about yourself. And in the end, maybe the most successful relationships are about how you work it out between the two of you. [funnily enough, I have to credit this lesson to Dad over a plate of fries and a cup of milo]

So as to this, I can only see, "We'll see." I always tell people that the DF may not end up being the guy I marry, because, well, I've seen enough of my friends' [ex-]relationships to know that it doesn't always turn out that way. Not that I'm trying to jeopardise the future of my own relationship, but more like I cannot predict the future with any amount of certainty. I can't say for certain what will happen to us, or whether he or I will change or some other outside circumstance will force us apart.

But above all, I do hope we will try our darnest at this state we've gotten ourselves into. And that it all will not turn out too badly in the end. :)

My own career also took a sudden steroid and went into booster mode. The time from when I first signed on the dotted line all the way to the day I moved out of the hostel and started my holidays was something of a whirlwind now that I think about it.

The thing I don't like is that the course I'm in seems to be cramming too much into us in too much time, and this is a complaint shared by me, Yenn, and about a thousand of us. And whether because of what Yenn told me, or because of my own cynicism, I can't help holding little question marks about the training we receive in here, and its validity in the real world.

But in the end, it's all I'll have when I go out to the real world for the first time. And in some ways, it scares the blardy hell outta me.

Because when I did tuition, I was relatively carefree. I only had to concentrate on one kid at a time, and I could implement my own 'syllabus', my own work, and teach the way I wanted.

Now, I have to account for the academic progress of 40 kids at a time, multiplied by the no of classes I teach, follow a set syllabus, and leave a paper trail of accountability to show that there is method in my madness. @_@~And that's not counting the admin stuff and the extracurricular stuff.

It scares me shitless sometimes, when I think about it. What happens if I boldly set out, test my mettle, and find myself wanting in this area?

Then when the fear passes, I remind myself not to think too much again, and I get down to the serious business of solving my next Sudoku puzzle.

There is never any point in wildly imagining situations which may or may not be happening. I did that on occasion with the DF and it never got me anywhere, and in fact, made me a whole lot more miserable than he could have with any concrete actions. Thus, the same thing with this stint. When the time comes, I will face it, do it, and get it over and done with.

And maybe, somehow, I will survive 2006 and get through this thing they call 'Life'.

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