loss - gain - what?
One of the saddest things about starting work/school/a hybrid of both is simply not having the time anymore for the things you love.
Time was I could blog just about everyday, because of all the time I had. I had the time to compose lengthy, witty, [or least, I hope they were witty] entries, and whole sagas about my then-non-existent-and-even-now-not-quite-there love life.
Time was I spent more time with Photoshop and Freehand than I did with actual human company. My fingers moved with an unconscious fluidity of their own, and created pixels of cartoons and other illustrations.
Time was I could spend a whole afternoon lost in a good book, or comic. Even after I had finished reading the comic, I had the time to spare to lust over the luscious art.
Time was I was poor, but I had enough cash to get by, and I was content.
My blog got dusty, my typing became stiff, and I haven't created anything new or arty in a while, aside from some black and white ink stuff in my hostel room. [I brought over the barest necessities - A sketchbook, black pens, and a mechanical pencil] I still read, but the time I spend on a book is getting longer. I still buy comics, but I'm not able to read intently, and sometimes I find myself skimming over the words, and not fully appreciating the art.
And my wallet? The excess money only made me want to spend more, a feeling of consumerish frenzy which I am frantically trying to abate.
And I think: What have I lost in exchange for career and financial stability?
And do I even fully know what I have lost?
I think only time can prove this hypothesis. Perhaps I can be happy at this. Perhaps I will find some balance. Perhaps I may never really care about what I lost in the past.
Perhaps I may never be a slacker again.
Perhaps I may declare this blog a waste of my time, and close it down for good, resigning to the depths of the dusty online dungeons.
In a way, this particular speaker I heard in NIE spoke true. That we must "never forget why is it you went into this in the first place" [I apologise, but I forgot who spoke that line, only that the person is in NIE]
And I may have taken the line out of its proper context, but I guess it fits this now.
That I must never forget why I do the things I love.
And never forget why is it I love them so.
And never stop loving them.
[slightly pensive mood]