Reflections for November

A photo posted by Aki Tan (@khelath) on Nov 18, 2016 at 7:08pm PST

A little art journalling for myself today, to congratulate the fact that I made it through another school year! 

I still have a kind of nagging feeling that somehow I lost 2 months of my life because of the hectic exam season, but I'm still glad that I got through it *relatively* smoothly somehow. I guess there are just some points in one's life where life events just derail you and somehow you have to find a way to get yourself back on track with your own mission in life once again.

That's how I feel, now that the holidays have started. I feel like this is the point where I'm slowly building my life back on track again. Compared to previous years, I would say it's better because at least this time I managed to recognize the signs earlier, where in previous years, everything just seemed to fly off the rails until December -_-!!! This year I managed to recognize the signs in October and I started doing some journalling and blogging to feel 'human' again. 

What I learned from this is that reflection and recognition are important. Keeping a personal journal and calendar helped, because seeing all those blank spaces where things are supposed to be done reminded me that nothing was being done! I don't know how possible this is yet with baby on the way next year, but that might lead to the next thing I learnt, which is to...

Always be kind to yourself. It's normal and natural that things in life get in the way of, well, life. We cannot always control the curveballs that come at us and it's only normal that dreams have to be put away for a period of time while we deal with them. For me, it was exam season, because I had to make sure that I revised all the work with the kids. Then it was pregnancy and the feelings of fatigue I had during the first trimester. What is important after this, then, is to...

Climb back whenever you can. I'm hoping to snatch pockets of time during my maternity where I can do a little bit of journalling and reading because these are the most convenient to climb back to, given that the materials and books are all in my possession. Other activities that take up more time, like the violin, the piano, language learning, I would have to wait till I see what baby's schedule is like, before I can plan again how to slot them in. I definitely won't be able to spend the same amount of time on them the way I did during my 2 months of leave, but I still hope to make whatever progress I can. 

I'm guessing there will still be people out there, who will either tell me this is not possible, or that this is wrong because I should be spending all my waking time on my baby. To the first, nobody will know if it's possible yet if it has not been attempted. To the second, if it works for you, fine. It doesn't work for me because I am a whole person who is not defined solely by one aspect of her life. I am not just a mother, I am a person with loves, hates, fears, joys and I want my son to grow up to the same and I know no other mother who is not the same. So let me try living life my way while I let you go your way. My successes and failures will be my own.

Here's to the holidays then! I'm glad of the life I've revived into this blog this year and hopefully there will be more to come!

Art Journalling - Chinese Thoughts

Recently, I have been trying out a new journal I made. With me on forced sick leave (cough, cough) and no more reruns on TV to watch, I thought I'd have a stab at filling up some of the pages with some art journalling.

Why Chinese Thoughts? There was no particular reason or rhyme to this one. I started out with the image of the mask on the left, then I thought the dragon would make a nice accompanying piece and then one thing pretty much led to another. -_-!!! Maybe chalk this one up to pure inspiration, yah? I was really just too sick to think of anything more profound than "Oh, this would look interesting like this......"

I wasn't trying to string together any profound meaning from the Chinese characters used either. The only unifying factor is probably that they all have something to do with thoughts. Thoughts that come from our dreams, from fantasies, from delusions, from other thoughts. I'm too sick to really think so I also relied on pure inspiration for this one and tried with my brush pen any character and idea that came to mind. 

Any profound thoughts? Well, that maybe I'd like to improve my Chinese brushmanship, hahaha... Some of the characters look downright ugly and clunky. My old Chinese teacher would have flunked me and made me rewrite them a hundred times. 

Also, that trying this made me think how much meaning there was in Chinese characters. A whole pantheon of cultural meaning can lie behind even one character and its placement in a piece of art. Where Western words take a few letters to be expressed, one Chinese character chosen wisely can speak volumes. All this was lost on me in my school days, of course, but now being more mature (and hopefully wiser) I can start to appreciate the finer nuances of my mother tongue. 

Reflections on September/October

I had to put these 2 months together for this reflective post, because I realized October just whizzed away under my nose just like that. 

What caused it, I suppose, was exam season, and the vague feeling that there were a lot of stuff I should be doing to be more responsible. So I buried myself in my work for those 2 months. 

What resulted was that I totally forgot that I had to be responsible to myself. I brought work home at night, over the weekend, and generally neglected my own plans and self-development over that period. I managed to read but journalling and everything else pretty much took a back seat.

Some would say that was necessary, in order to well, get the work done, that one has to put one's nose to the grinder. 

I would say it became a soul-killer and I really questioned myself many times about whether this pile and pile of paper was really what I wanted to be doing for the rest of my life. 

From reflecting on the past, I would say this year I was lucky. I caught myself in October and started journalling a bit more, which helped. I made a couple more journals for the fun of it and I also wrote more inside my existing ones. That made me realize that while responsibility was necessary, it also didn't mean that it had to take over the whole of my life. That even if a few minutes to do one journal page was all I had, then even those few minutes were enough to restore my humanity once again.

One good thing was that I love to read, so I read. I managed to stick to my habit of reading a couple of pages of any book before I slept so there were stuff I still managed to learn. This proves that this habit is a real keeper.

I guess this point about self-reflection is becoming a bit more poignant, because with the baby coming next March, I'm not sure just how much time I will have for myself anymore. I have more than enough reading material for whatever free time I can snatch during my maternity but beyond that, when I go back to work and it's back to the grind...? 

That's why self-love is necessary on a regular basis, I suppose. To remind ourselves that other than the various roles we play through life of spouse, partner, employee, mother, daughter, there's one role that underpins them all, which is that of Me. That our character and personality are the foundations of all that we do and if the role of Me is flourished with love, then that love can only spread to all the other roles we play.

Experiences, not Acquisitions

Hi, I'm Aki Tan and I'm a hoarder.

I hoard books, not bears, by the way...

The above picture is a small fraction of the burgeoning collection of books and magazines that is threatening to bring down my bookshelf. I have a box of craft materials that is not very used. I have rolls and rolls of washi tape and files of scrapbooking paper. 

Why do I have so much stuff? Well, partly it's GAS = Gear Acquisition Syndrome. The term is more commonly used for tech gear but in this case, I think the same applies to the books, magazines and craft materials that I have.

Which is why I read (and re-read) the articles in Flow Issue 5 with interest. There were 2 articles which I felt spoke directly to hoarders keen for rehab. In one of the articles, "How Great Small Can Be", Alain de Botton wrote:

"Why, then, if expensive things cannot bring us remarkable joy, are we so powerfully drawn to them?... Because expensive items can feel like plausible solutions to needs we don't understand."

So it becomes easier to buy something than to do serious soul-searching to find out what is it we're missing. After all, it only takes a walk to the store and an opening of the wallet. And research has also proven before that impulse buys can indeed bring a high level of satisfaction. (A Google brings up a list of research, I have chosen to link this one: Effects of Impulse Purchases on Consumers' Affective States.) 

This is true for me, for the craft materials at least. When I moved into my new house, I had a whole room which I used as a study/studio. With all that space to play with, I suddenly found myself able to buy and store all the paper I ever wanted, and paper being paper, of course took up space. I couldn't bear to use all the stuff I bought, though, 'cause what if I wanted to use it for another project? What if I used it and it didn't turn out right?

I acquired and acquired and one day, I realized, they become 'plausible solutions to needs' that I didn't understand fully yet. I wanted to Make Good Art, and so I bought all those things thinking that I would some day. But my real need wasn't to buy materials, it was to actually do stuff with them.

It took a lot of acquiring before I realized that the only thing I was doing was collecting materials but yet I had nothing to show for all the buying I was doing. At some point, I told myself, that's it, now it's time to start making. 

And when I started making, this led to another kind of satisfaction, which was the kind that authors Botsman and Rogers (What's Mine is Yours: The Rise of Collaborative Consumption) referred to. 

"We want to fulfil our needs with the material or experience that these products offer." Yes, the experience from the products, not the products itself. 

This is a good reminder every time I am tempted by something new. I ask myself: Am I more interested in buying the book? Or reading it? Do I want to make art, or buy paint? The reminder here is that what we are really interested in is the experience that comes from the product. If the experience can be had with something already in possession, then further purchase is unnecessary. Even if acquisition is necessary, sites like Carousell can help one to buy something secondhand and usable instead of buying a new items.

Nowadays, I let myself be a bit more free when I use the materials, since it's clear that I have nearly a lifetime of craft materials hoarded away. Do I get tempted now and then? Of course I do, and I do end up buying some more stuff. The difference is now I give myself more permission to use and misuse the things I buy, so as to continue to gain the benefit of experience rather than the short-lived one of acquisition. There were times when I wasted some stuff by making some real fugly things, but I was also rewarded at many other times with something that just looked good. It is those times I look forward to, because those remind me what life's experiences are all about. They are about experiences and not products. 

 

Move Forward #throwbackanyday

You know how spring cleaning is done? You clean up the mess accumulated from the previous year and you throw out anything you reckon you don't need anymore. Well, I've had to do the same to my Dropbox account lately because I reached the maximum 2.5gb alloted to me in my free account. -_-!!! 

While looking through the account, I realized that many of them came from the Camera Uploads folder. Now, this is what happened one day. I accidentally pressed something and agreed to something and suddenly the photos folder in my iPhone started uploading everything into my Dropbox! I tried to stop it but before I did so, I had a ginormously inflated folder and there went my limit. -_-!!!!!!

Now on sick leave, I thought I'd go through the photos and decide which could be deleted and which deserved a second chance on the Internet. Outdated photos of events long gone were easy to delete, as were photos of anything to do with work.

Harder to delete were photos of friends, good times, holidays though... sigh.

In between the two categories were photos that I could delete, but I felt there were more that could be done with them before I did so. These were inspirational sayings, recipes, tips that I had saved from magazines and other sources (Yea, yea, hoarder instinct) So the idea came about for a #throwback blog entry. What if I blogged about them, then deleted them? I would then save them for another online life and maybe get some reflective value out of them as well. 

I didn't want a #throwbackthursday because I didn't like to commit myself to a specific day for no reason (yea, yea, slacker instinct) so I thought I'd create a #throwbackanyday so that I could do it on any day I wanted. *yea*

So this is the first pic I found, one of the very earliest:

Source: iPad edition of the O magazine. (I'm sorry, I totally forgot which issue! If you recognize it, let me know so I can credit it!) 

The message simply appealed to me, a reminder to just, move forward and appreciate and be grateful for the simple beauty in every day life. This is something a lot of us fail to do as oftentimes, we just head onto our daily commute, stuck to our phones and we miss out a lot on life as it goes by.

We say that we don't have the time to take a long cycle, as maybe the guy in the photo is doing. Well, how about then appreciating what you see around you? The sunrise as you walk to the station? The people around you? Look up from your own screen and you'd be amazed at how many people are stuck in their own. What stories can they tell? What can you make up about them? 

Even after work, instead of walking through a mall, walk somewhere where there's trees, sun and light. Instead of the Orchard underpass, walk above ground instead. Did you ever notice how large the trees were? Did you ever hear the birds cawing in the trees? (and run for cover before they shat on you?)

Chances are you never noticed these. That's because in order to do so, you have to go. You have to actually go outside and really look and observe what's around you. 

What I took away from this paragraph are two small things that people can do to make their lives a bit happier. 1 - Life is better spent outside and 2 - To notice the nature around you. It reminds me that even in an urban jungle, there are pockets of beauty to be found as long as we look for it. :)

What can we do then?
- On your next commute, instead of opening Facebook or Youtube, put on some headphones and really look at the people around you. What do you think they are doing? Why are they doing it? What do you think drives them? 

- When you find yourself in a mall, head outside instead. What nature do you see around you? What is the weather like? How does it make you feel?

- As you do these two, here comes probably the harder part: What good can you see around you? What can you give thanks for around you?

Collective Hub #outofthepagesiread

One of the magazines I've picked up this year is Collective Hub. I found this magazine in a cafe and flipping the first few pages got me hooked enough that I went searching for it at various bookstores around SG. Too bad I couldn't finish that issue before my brunch!

A brief about the magazine, according to their website:

"Collective Hub covers business, design, technology, social change, fashion, travel, food, film and art."

But it was their philosophy that I felt was well carried out in their pages:

OUR PHILOSOPHY

We are insatiably curious, naturally collaborative and uniquely creative.Collective Hub exists to foster and empower a community of people to live their best lives at work and in play. We offer pragmatism and inspiration in equal measure to help create a world of dreamers and doers.

The magazine features a variety of creative entrepreneurs and managers working in various fields. There does seem to be a creative focus to it as well. The June issue which I managed to find has various art inserts, some with inspirational sayings that appeal to the Piscean in me. Like this one from Terry Pratchett:

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours."

True to its philosophy, it also comes with practical advice as well. For one feature, there are interviews with nomad entrepreneurs and tips on how they made it work, useful for anyone who works best outside an office.

What I found most inspiring, though, were their features. Interviews with various entrepreneurs who went off the beaten path, discovering their own dreams and journeys in life. And I think this is one of the most powerful parts of the magazine.

Because it gives me this thought: Why aren't I doing that? Why aren't I doing all these cool stuff that other people are doing? Why didn't I think of that first? Why didn't I make the first move that these people did?

And even if I managed to answer these questions satisfactorily, another pops up: What then, am I doing about it?

So this is the more powerful aspect of the magazine for me, that it inspires me, that it makes me reflect, rethink and look back on my life and that it gives me hope for the future that it doesn't always have to be what everyone else says it is. 

The magazine is a monthly publication but Kinokuniya unfortunately doesn't bring in many copies, probably due to low popularity. Please start asking for it more at the bookstore so that they bring in more!

Always Be Kind to Yourself

(Sorry, I know the colour is a bit crappy)

I almost forgot what it meant to be kind to oneself. 

The past month, I had thrown myself into completing my work so fully that a whole month went by before I realized what I had done to myself. 

It's funny, the lesson we learnt in school and in our younger lives was to work hard, hard and harder. By doing so, we were taught, we would reap the rewards later on. 

We then carry that lesson onto our adult working lives, but technological advances and Whatsapp mean that we don't just work, but we have to work harder, harder and hardest out of them all. And that somehow our reward would come. 

So under a sense of responsibility and impending fulfilment, I worked. I worked hard and I brought home the work telling myself that it would all be better later on, that I was making my future life easier this way if I just worked hard, now. I would postpone my enjoyment of life and my leisure activities and somehow it would all pay off.

Well, a month went by and guess what? I got nothing but a sheer sense of relief that it was all over. Nothing like the sense of divine fulfilment I was supposed to feel. 

Yet, one day, I was about to carry on the work at work, when I just looked at everything on my desk and I had a sudden sense of nausea. Nothing to do with morning sickness, just a sickness of all... this. 

I calculated that I had enough time to carry on the next day, and I ditched the work and went for a good lunch at Plaza Sing.

I continued the next afternoon at Taka. And today I went back to Taka again.

If work was supposed to be so fulfilling and satisfying, then why is it I only felt refreshed and human when I was out of it? 

I made a small but costly mistake. I mistook work for life. I mistakenly thought that this was what life was about, to be a responsible working adult and do the work to pay the bills and this was how normal people were supposed to live.

I forgot about all the other things about life. Like walking in the sun. Or having a good lunch. Or the pleasure of a quiet cafe with a good book. 

I'm lucky I realized this in time because some in my line weren't so lucky, judging by the 5000 of us who leave the profession each year, with a top reason being the workload. It just overwhelmed them and swarmed, they left for better pastures and better lives. They learnt the hard way that the work wasn't worth the life they sacrificed.

Who knows, what if they had known how to be nice to themselves and forgive themselves for the work they did not or could not do to the satisfaction of others?

So be kind to yourself. It's not always a bad thing to be lazy and it's not always selfish to leave everything and just do something for yourself. Don't let it get so bad that your whole life becomes overswarmed but take it back while you can. 

And enjoy all those afternoon teas. :) 

Book Review - October

I realized that I had not been posting a book review for some time! This did not mean that I wasn't reading anything but rather I had been too lazy to actually start writing about it! :p Never too late for reparations, so here's the book I've been reading:

The book intrigued me at the library and my friend was mildly alarmed that I could consider this reference material for my job, but when I started, I found that it was a more fascinating book than I realized.

Nutshell: The book is a chronicle of the experiences of a US interrogator (or 'gator as they are known) Matthew Alexander, as he uses various techniques to extract useful intelligence out of suspected terrorists in Iraq. 

Why this book is fascinating

Firstly, the style of the book and the manner in which Alexander approaches his subjects are vastly different from that described in another book about the Iraqi War that I read, which was this:

Of course, you would notice that both men worked in different fields, one in intelligence and the other as a Navy SEAL sniper. The difference that struck me the most though was in the attitude both men had towards their subjects. In Kyle's autobiography, I felt a dehumanizing attitude towards the Iraqis. They were referred to as 'insurgents', not as people. Also, he had a callous way of describing how he shot down his targets, as if he was describing a Counterstrike session.

In his defence, I also think this is a result of his training. He was, after all, a Navy SEAL and trained for combat. 

Alexander's attitude is different because of the nature of his work. He was not trained to kill but rather to extract information and he was trained in newer post-Guatanamo techniques. Hence, he talks of building rapport with the prisoners, by talking about their family, sometimes pretending he faced the same family issues as them so that to foster understanding. He also pleads to the prisoners to cooperate so that he can help them or their families. 

This is the fascinating bit for me. He employs subtler psychological techniques in his field and altogether has a more sympathetic view towards his subjects, since he has to build a relationship between them before he can do his job. As a result of this, I find that he has a more balanced view towards the war. He does not view his subjects simply as moving targets but more like people with fears and worries for their own lives and those of their families and friends. 

While the book is not exactly a manual of interrogation techniques, Alexander does drop some bits about what he uses and his narrative style reads almost like a novel, so it's very easy to read. 

Goodreads
You might not know or suspect, but I have read more books than those reviewed on this blog. Those books are tracked in my Goodreads account:

Click to see Goodreads

This is a great site for booklovers. Right now, I'm using it to track the books I'm reading and I also use it to create a To-Read list of books that look interesting. However, there are many other features to the site, such as forum groups and review-writing so any book lover should check it out! (And of course, it's free!)

Interested? Here's the link to the site.

How to Take Restful Breaks #outofthepagesiread

For #outofthepagesiread this time, I'm reviewing an online article I read from 99u.com. This article was about how to take truly restful breaks from work that would truly energize you instead of making you more tired.

The headline appealed to me at once because I'm reaching a kind of peak point at work. At this time of the year, the marking peaks and I end up having to bring more work home to finish. This on top of the admin stuff as well. 

So what the article advocates is pretty surprising. Most people would think that in such a scenario, faced with looming piles of paper, one just has to buckle up and get everything done in one sitting in order to enjoy later. However, research found that this method would wreck the most psychological damage on you. A quote from the article reads:

"The psychological reality is that your mental and physical reserves are limited and it is only by taking frequent short breaks of a truly restful nature that you will fulfil your true potential."

Thinking back on how I handled large piles of marking, I find that this could be true in several ways. One, stress accumulates from sitting down for long periods marking or doing work, especially with the number of mistakes found. -_-!!! Two, after a long period of work, I find myself too tired to do other activities that would otherwise enrich me. Who has not felt too tired to go to the gym after a long day at work? Or ended up sitting on the couch potato-ing in front of the television? In the end, even after getting the work done (or in worse cases, the work may not even be finished yet!) you find that you have not really accomplished anything you wanted in life. 

The article recommends several ways to get around this:

1. Fully switch off
2. Take frequent short breaks from work
3. Get out of the office

I tried no.2 when I was marking at home and it does help. After marking around 10 or so worksheets, I would get up from my desk to go to the toilet, get a glass of juice, talk to husband. Sometimes, I worked on my diary project. I found that after I finished marking, I was less tired and lethargic. (Could have been the effect of the juice...) 

I have also tried no.3 on some occasions when I brought papers out of school to mark at my favourite cafe. The change of environment works too and I was less stressed by the mistakes I marked. Not only that but being in a different environment also meant that I could look forward to walking around or shopping after I was done, a good motivation to finish the work! 

Funny thing about work is that our society always seems to give the message that to be crazily busy is an honourable thing. It is a badge of honour to be able to tell people you are busy. If you don't believe me, next time you are around people, try telling them about taking breaks and long weekends doing nothing. You will probably be met with replies like "Oh, but I'm so busy..." 

But in the end, where does it lead? Long lists of unfulfilled dreams, places to go, things to try. I always think, would I really regret on my dying bed that I didn't spend more time at work? (If I got fired, maybe I would...) Or would I regret that I didn't travel, didn't learn new instruments, languages, new skills...?

It is an interesting article with points to make one think. I highly recommend it for those who feel they come home too tired from work every day.

You can read the full article here.

Want to read other similar articles? I recommend this writer's website. She also has a mailing list that I subscribe to:

Jocelyn K Glei

Wanting more for others #outofthepagesiread

This month's Psychology Today magazine has a striking quote, not in its articles ironically, but in the editor's note. The editor describes a quote that one of the columnists made which never made it to print:

"You cannot want more for others than they want for themselves."

I found this striking because for one, I felt this was what I did every day at work... hahaha... Pushing kids to do their work whether they wanted to or not. But then the editor makes a broader observation from this:

"To want something "more" or different for people is potentially to misunderstand them... it fails to acknowledge an essential otherness."

We do this all the time to varying degrees. We get it at an early age, when our parents start telling us which course of study we should take because it gives a better paycheck and then it comes in varying degrees from the people around you, like your friends or your colleagues or your superiors. I personally experienced this when I was suggested a career path that so widely dovetailed with my character and my personal goals that yes, I realised my superior had completely failed to 'acknowledge my essential otherness'. 

How do we know we are doing this? I think one way to tell is by how much we listen as opposed to how much we speak. In order to know how different other people are from us, we have to really listen to them with empathy and truly understand the shoes they stand in before we are qualified to give them advice. 

We also have to leave them to make their own decisions in life. The world is wide enough to sustain a variety of paths and it's not just your own that is necessarily the best for everyone. True concern doesn't always mean that you dictate the path of others but that you support them on the decision they make. Even if you feel they are heading towards disaster. (However, I will make exceptions for decisions that involve suicide or the death and destruction of others for obvious reasons)

The editor's last quote is one that should stay with us:

"Better to focus on the person who is most difficult to see - the only one over whom it is possible to exert control."

Rather than focus on others, focus on oneself instead. We are the one who is most able to control our own fate but yet we are the least capable of seeing ourselves as we really are, with our strengths and our failings. Yet what right do we have to want more for others if we are unable to develop ourselves towards our own goals? Imagine a teacher trying to convince her students of the importance of studying, yet failing to complete her own assignments for her post-graduate course because she watches TV! (No, this does not apply to me...)

A striking quote indeed, and one that reminds me to focus on my own goals for self-development and to hold myself accountable to myself. 

But yet, at the same time, yes, I will still force the kids to do the work in school. :p  

Reflections on August

One word: BUSY

Even now when I think back about August, all I can think about is busy, busy, busy. It was definitely one of those peak periods where I was just frantically trying to finish everything before the Sept break. Even on days when I didn't bring work home, I was too knackered to do anything except watch TV. 

As I type this, it is now the last day of the Sept holiday and next week, I'm back at work for another round of Busy. *shudder*

At one point, I did pause to think, though, why do I fall off the wagon so badly all the time after June? The reason that comes foremost to mind is of course, work. As times get busier, work gets brought back home, time at home becomes work time and then other things like cooking and general self-care goes out the window. 

I also felt I forgot some of the habits of self-care I took in the first half of the year. Eg, by making time for myself to do the things I love. So this is one habit I want to reinstate: To write down my weekly plans for the things I love to do on my calendar so as to commit to it. In this way, I want to be able to plan my time better without letting work overtake me. I also have to make sure that at work, I religiously keep a to-do list with the deadlines clearly written so that I don't forget what I'm supposed to do. 

Another habit I want to reinstate is that of journalling: To journal one sentence a day and express gratitude for even the smallest thing. These are simple yet powerful tools to balance one's state of mind and I want to continue this. One way is to bring the journal out one days I go out. 

Most importantly, I need to practise self-love. To be able to forgive myself for the things I didn't do so well and to compare me, to me, instead of others. I keep looking at how far others are ahead of me, instead of looking back at how far I've come. This is like wishing you had a Birkin but forgetting you already had a Chanel. While of course I should push myself to go as far as I can, my progress shouldn't be measured by others who follow different trajectories from me. I am responsible for my own path and that is the one I should follow. 

That being said, even if I didn't do as much as I wanted, I still managed to read a great deal, so I'm glad of that. Thankfully, reading is one of the habits firmly entrenched in me. 

This holiday has also given me some space to pursue some craft, so I'm glad for that. (tutorials coming up soon) 

I have a few more months before December and a couple more before March next year, when I get really busy, so wish me luck and here goes!

Reflections on July

It's with a mild sense of panic that I realize that we are officially in the 2nd half of the year. What have I done?? What have I accomplished? How am I going to do all the other stuff I wanted to do????

Last month onto this, I got hit off the tracks when I went off on holiday and I came back to a flurry of work. This has happened many times before, when I went overseas or took a long break and not just on my personal goals, but at work as well. Suddenly I forgot how to write my to-do lists, how to remember my deadlines, how to set goals for myself and then everything rushes in together.

So mid-August is a good time to take a quick stock check. Where am I with my goals? What did I accomplish? How did I do it? What did I fail in? Why did I fail? How can I set myself up to pass next time?

My goals for July were: 

Photography: To read up on Daido Moriyama
I found this hard at first because books on Daido Moriyama were crazily hard to find. I thought I would be able to buy a good book on him and read it at my leisure, but then I couldn't find any good (or affordable) photo book or biography anywhere in the major bookstores! A photobook seller in Peninsula finally told me that was the case with his books and that the same situation existed in Japan, where his books are primarily sold. -_-!!! 

Finally though, I hit paydirt at the National Library - I found Tales of Tono, Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog.

Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog were only available in the reference section, so I couldn't borrow them out. I had to make special trips to Victoria Street to read them, which made them more troublesome and at the same time, more fascinating. (Why some books end up in the reference section, I don't know) The more I read about him, the more fascinated I became with him as a photographer since I identified with certain parts of his philosophy towards photography.

But... that's a subject for another blog post. Let me write up my notes into something coherent first. :p

So I would say in this goal I was fairly successful. I managed to find the books though reading them was quite troublesome. I also learned quite a bit as well.

Next step to levelling up? Getting my essay done... (sigh)

Violin: To practise at least twice a week - COMPLETE FAIL

This goal is one I continuously set for myself and continuously fail at. Every month that I tell myself to practise, to practise, the violin stays neglected in its case and next thing I know, it's time for lesson/practice time again. -_-!!! 

So let's take a good hard look at meself: Why am I failing at this?

I'm restricting myself to practising in the afternoon. I keep telling myself to practise in the afternoon because I'm worried about neighbours complaining if I practise at 8-9pm. Which means, if I'm stuck at work till late, I end up not practising at all if I return home after dinner. Would my neighbours really raise their pitchforks if I practised at 8, after dinner and yet when people are not going to bed yet? I don't know because I never tried, having spent most of that time watching TV while eating dinner. -_-!!! 

And then at night, there's always other stuff to do...... Easier stuff like reading or painting that doesn't require the same amount of effort as the violin. So I always take the easy way out for myself.

Terrible. It's like wanting to lose weight but eating another chicken burger. I keep telling myself I want to be a good violin player but I fail to put in the practice needed.

The solution for this is easy in principle, yet another matter in practice. I need to set practice days and times (which I have been doing) and actually set about to doing it, never mind fatigue or complaints (which I have NOT been doing).

Watercolour: To paint at least 2 pieces in watercolour.

This goal I managed because I was so lousy with keeping the one about the violin practice. :D I did a few pieces and here are the 3 better ones:

                                          

The one I'm most proud of is of course, the 3rd one, and this is one goal I felt I showed the most progress in the least amount of time and the one I enjoyed the most. 


There were several things that made this goal easier to accomplish. One, paint and brush were always within easy reach on my table. All I really had to do was plonk my butt on my chair and open them up to start. This also made them a good destresser from work as well. Compare this to having to heft my violin up and stand for the entire time I practise......

Also, having a reference book helped. That way, I didn't have to think of what to practise. I just opened to the last page I stopped at and did whatever was on that page. Again, a good remedy for a hard day at work.

Lastly, I also think that the artwork was a strong visible motivator. Once the painting was done, it was an obvious indicator of my effort and progress and one that could be looked at again and again for inspiration. Whereas with violin playing, I couldn't tell whether my pitch really was improving or not.

All in all, no wonder I found more fun in reaching the art goal.......

Still, they are things to consider if I want to become a good violin player. So with those in mind, my goals in August are:

French - To refresh what I learned and complete at least 2 more chapters
Writing - To work on the text for my book idea
Violin - Once again.........

Wish me luck!      

Small Changes

#outofthepagesiread

One magazine I love buying is Flow magazine. Published by 2 Dutch ladies and translated into English, it has articles on simple living, features on creative artists and comes with beautiful paper goodies, yay :) 

The current issue has an article on small changes that spoke to me.

Many people have big dreams stemming from current dissatisfactions. When we are dissatisfied with our house, job or partner, we make big dreams for ourselves in which we shed off all vestiges of our previous life and start afresh. So we might sell the house and move to a hut in Bali, or break up with the partner and move to France to find a new lover. 

Of course, once I read this, I immediately saw myself in it. Because every time I face a tough time at work, or I find myself dragged out of bed before dawn, I wish that I was doing something different. I wish that I was running my own art school, or writing books or just being a jobless bum at home. 

Whether such solutions solve my problems or not does not feature in my fantasy, of course. That's the point of a fantasy after all, to make you feel better by letting you dream. 

The article gives a different idea: that you don't have to take such big steps to making yourself happy and that small steps can be enough. Not everyone can afford drastic steps in their life, or should either. While I don't like the responsibilities that come with my job, I also appreciate very much that the monthly paycheck pays for my house and food while letting me save towards the future! That is not something I might easily get should I decide to quit and write a book!

The dream image though may represent a certain longing that is not being satisfied in your current life. According to the Self-Determination Theory, there are 3 basic needs to be fulfilled to make yourself happier. They are:

1. Autonomy - The need to do it your own way
2. Relatedness - the need to feel connected to other people
3. Competence - the need to do something you are good at

Taking the example of my own life, why is it then I feel dissatisfied at my job? First, the autonomy needs are not met, because much of what I do with the kids are determined by others. The competence needs are not met, because the job requires much planning and meticulousness that I struggle with. And it being a big place, my relatedness needs are not met as well either.

This is also why quitting it all to work on creative pursuits also seems more appealing. I get to do things my own way, paint what I want, write what I want (autonomy). I can meet other likeminded people who share the same creative dreams (relatedness). I can do something I feel I am good at (competence). 

But I don't always have to quit it all in order to pursue these needs. Small changes can also be taken as well. I already pursue the competence need by writing and painting in my free time. I pursue the relatedness need by meeting with friends and blogging and posting photos on Instagram. 

The autonomy needs... ah, that's a tougher nut to crack. There are commitments of time here that need to be fulfilled. I can meet this sometimes by taking the afternoon off to go on a photowalk, for example, but it's not something I can do every day. 

Here, the article talks about thinking in terms of solutions. Rather than paying attention to what's wrong with my life, what can I do then to make it right?

The example given is that of a big miracle. Imagine a big miracle happened and I don't have to work any more. What would I do? 

Well, I can imagine long afternoons reading at the library, painting at home or exploring the town with my camera. 

Do I necessarily need to quit my job to do this? Actually, I don't. I can spend some afternoons doing these, but planning is required. I would need to plan in advance which days I can get away with leaving the marking at the desk or having nothing at all. Or maybe even play hooky sometimes, hehe. 

So there is a solution. The solution is to plan the days I want to do this and then make sure nothing in my afternoon interferes with this plan. And it is a solution that allows me to keep my job and my salary. 

My thoughts on this article is that it is a bit simplistic and optimistic at the same time. Simplistic because it's not as if a solution can be found to all of every one's problems. I'm lucky enough because I still have flexibility when it comes to my afternoons, but not everyone who is stuck working 9-5 has the same luck.

But yet, optimistic because it tells you that it is possible to find happiness in the littlest of things. It's not always that you have to make drastic changes to find happiness but if you are aware of what makes you happy, you can make small changes to work towards that happiness. It's something that I try to carry out on a weekly basis and I do see an overall increase in happiness when I did so. 

Here are the small steps to do the same:

1. Identify the needs you are lacking. Autonomy, relatedness or competence? Look at your big dream. What is it about it that appeals to you?
2. Create spaces to fulfill those needs in your life. Where can you make time for it? What steps would you need to take?
3. Think in terms of solutions, not problems. It's about what you can do, not how much it sucks.
(adapted from Flow magazine, Issue 14)