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Sunday, March 07, 2010

I'm still not keen on the wedding.

Don't get me wrong; I want to have a marriage, yes. It is the wedding that I'm not keen about.

I'm still haven't entirely reconciled myself with having to comply with so many outside expectations regarding the wedding. Recently another aspect of the guest list popped up again which brought out all the old insecurities and fears. And I went back to zero again, after making myself ok with the local one.

It's getting easier to identify what about the overseas one is making me so worried. I roughly narrowed it down to loss of control and differences in taste.

Very little about the overseas one is decided by me. The venue was chosen w/o me, and I have an uneasy fear that the dress and makeup and hair will be decided for me, against my better judgement. I have this recurring nightmare that I will look dreadfully obiang on my wedding day and that no matter how much pple say that I look good, I will see in their eyes that they will never be caught dead in what I have on.

Terribly insecure, I know. And you may say that I think too much. But I honestly have not found a way to 'stop thinking so much'

If pple say you should lose weight, is it easy to start a new diet regime and lose 5kg by next month? If pple say that you get irritated too easily, is it so easy to restrain your anger and retain an aura of zen-like calm? Of course not. The same way, just because you tell me not to think so much... Doesn't mean that I can necessarily do it so easily at a snap of the finger.

And sometimes, to compound the problem, I won't even know the cause of the worry till much later, when
I can analyse it further. So pple wonder why I seemed
so ok about it, only to flare up again.

Put onto that the expectations of my family, in-laws, friends... It's getting exasperating. To have to do things not according to your wishes, but to everyone else's. To have to accomodate pple who want me to dress as such. To accomodate pple who want me to do as such. To risk offending friends and family because of my own fears.

Sigh... Tiring. Try to control... Get headaches. Let go of control to other people... Upsetting. How like that?

Somehow I know it inyself that I have to deal with the internal issues myself. If I don't there's no one that can help me. Identifying the fear is the first step. Now I have to repeatedly remind myself that the fear should not overcome me. That I should deal with it on my own terms and not let it take control.

Mantra: a day for a lifetime!


Anonymous said...

Opps! I stress u again~


Teochewnang said...

This has gotta be your most depressing post so far. Don't worry too much for now. As one of my students said, his motto for life is "auto straight" (literally translated from the Chinese idiom - 船到桥头自然直. Things will work themselves out! :)