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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Ranting again... Old wounds reopened

Something about the way my mother talks to me sometimes completely irritates me before she even gets past my first name.

It's uncanny, it is. Never has someone sparked me off on the wrong mood just by calling out my name in that way that she does, with a slightly whining tone in it.

And because I'm turned off the moment she calls my name, whatever she says after that just adds to it.

This time it's due to a recent offer I've rec'd from my current employer. Without going into too much details, I've been offered a unique chance in career development. It's an opportunity I feel that is extremely interesting, and that won't come too often in life.

But to take up this offer means I won't be teaching in mainstream schools after my practicuum. Which makes me pretty hesitant, because how do I know this is for me, at this early point of my career? How do I know I'll be able to handle it, given that I haven't fully developed my teaching skills?

More importantly, how do I feel that this is something I'll be willing to do over a long period of time?

My parents know about the offer, because moe called me at home first, and my dad answered the call, so my mom later got to know some kind of sketchy details about the situation. [don't ask me why my dad never told her all he knew.]

So the questions come up again. I go for one stupid briefing and interview session, and the moment I get home everyone asks how was it? what did you say?

I find this extremely irritating. It feels like they were trying to butt into my life again. I told them it was just a simple interview and I was thinking of it.

Today, the very next day, they ask me about it again. They tell me that it's a good chance, that why not I go for it, that it will raise my value as a tutor blah blah...

Which are all the reasons I thought of at first, but when they try to use it to push me into something when I haven't even decided fully, it totally pushes the wrong buttons in it. It was the same scenario with getting into teaching. An option that I was considering seriously became suddenly something I wanted to just chuck into the dustbin because they were trying so hard to push me into that direction. And I didn't want to do things simply for their sakes.

I repeated again, I was thinking of it. And I honestly was thinking of going through with it anyway at that point of time.

Then she says, "You never think seriously about your future."

I cracked. I screamed at her that I was thinking about it and let me make my own decision already.

WTF is so hard about that??? The irony that once again, because of their interfering questions, they've succeeded in turning me off the course they wanted me to take. Even though I was willing to take it at first.

I can't stand this. I want to just quietly do my work and get through my life the way I want. I want to develop my teaching skills. I want to do my lesson plans.

BUT I DON"T want to do it while they're there standing over my shoulder telling me how to do my goddamn job and life when they have ABSOLUTELY NO F**KING IDEA what my life is like.

EVERYTHING else about my life they don't care. What I do with my friends she doesn't care. DF she doesn't care. The books I read she doesn't care. My tuition life she doesn't care.

STUPID BLARDY CAREER she doesn't know anything about she MUST CARE.

Go away and let me lead my career myself lah. I'm IN the industry already. I have a job. You forced me this far. DON't PUSH ME FURTHER.

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