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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

So tomorrow is the day, the DAY when the barest surface impression of a panel of judges who don't know me at all will be key to deciding the direction of my life.

Ain't interviews grand?

Strangely enough, I'm neither worried nor supremely confident about tomorrow. I pretty much wanna just get it done and over with. The possible questions they could ask and every possible answer I could give them have been rolling around in my head ever since I sent out that online application. This is arguably the one presentation in my life that I didn't prepare for one day beforehand.

The shirt is ready to wear, the pants are out of the drawer. The bag is waiting, and the boots can't wait.

Certs, all check. IC, birth cert, check. Exam results, and NUS degree, check.

And now I'm just blogging as usual, like tomorrow is no special day. Tuition, meet him for lunch, and go home and watch anime as usual. It seems like such an ordinary day, TODAY.

Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I'll turn into a nervous wreck. I'll be a raving lunatic at the MOE building, and I'll spray the interviewers with my wisecrackin' bullets, and they'll wonder what kind of weirdo managed to get by their sophisticated screening methods.

Haiyah, I'm starting to ramble. Anyway, I've already been through some of the questions with Yenn, so at least I have a better idea of what lies ahead of me for the interview.

The path ahead that scares me is the fork where I get rejected by MOE. The path where my mother will go ballistic and accuse me of sabotaging my own future to enjoy my present lazybum lifestyle longer. The one thing that's majorly motivating me to get this now is the prospect of future peace in the household.

Another thing that scared me came from a book I read in DoE's apartment. The book was "The Art of the Deal" by Donald Trump, and it told the story of his brother. ( I forget the name now )

His brother was totally unlike his father, and himself. The Trump family were predominantly business-oriented, with the exception of his brother. His elder brother liked to fly, as a pilot, and loved hunting and fishing, but the father always pressured him into joining the family business, though he had no interest. Trump even told his brother he was wasting his time.

He regretted it later. The brother got pressured into joining the business, but was totally unhappy with it. He became an alcoholic and died at the age of 40.

When I read that, I felt the chills run down my spine at a possible sight into one of my possible destinies. When reality becomes too harsh, the Piscean will seek an escape. It is this way that many Pisceans have a tendency towards alcoholism or drug addictions said a horoscope I read somewhere, and that stuck in my mind. Call me nuts, but I have to admit, last week when my parents really pissed me off, I did feel an urge to drink like crazy, just for the heck of doing so. Thank my lucky stars that I realised it was an insane urge to follow.

Forget the world. Forget your parents. Sink into your own dreamworld and never face this plane again. Sink into the waters and never surface. Sink into the sands and never reach up. Sink and sleep forever.

But in a way, I realised that could be me. Pressured by my parents into walking a path I was reluctant on, regretting it later, but not having the strength to turn back, and eventually dying old and regretful. Full of unborn wishes and dreams that never became blood and flesh.

When first conceived, your dream is as a child in its mother's womb, tender and fragile, and utterly dependent on her for its survival. Nurtured in her loving waters, it will grow and eventually see the light of day. Unloved, unwanted, uncared for, it will suffer. Poisoned either by its mother's own addictions, or killed in one painful miscarriage.

And then one more soul is lost to the world.

*haiz* I ponder too much. I think the more I write in this blog, the more crap comes out from me. [blame me for having an affinity for the written word] Wonder whether anyone would pay me to write a book about my blog? Heh... seems to be a trend at the moment... :p

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