A little appetiser before the main course...

Using my first name and surname,

My japanese name is 遠藤 Endoh (distant wisteria) 三千代 Michiyo (three thousand generations).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Using my chinese hanyu pinyin,

My japanese name is 中島 Nakashima (center of the island) 久美子 Kumiko (eternal beautiful child).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

So I shall combine the 2. My new Jap name is Nakashima Michiyo, 3000 generations of mine will live in the center of the island. :p So my family will live in Bishan for 3000 generations. Hahaha... Yenn and Krynn, wanna try it out before going for Jap class? ;)

Eternal Turmoil of the Neurotic Mind

There are a few things you have to understand about the Piscean mind before you can make any sense of the following entry.

1. We are sensitive. We pick up each trace of emotion on other people, like the magic brush that picks up lint from your clothing, and the lint that we pick up sticks to us. Sometimes, though, we end up thrashing the same surface over and over again, convinced that there are microbes of dust we missed, when actually there may be none there at all.

2. We live with one foot in fantasy and the other in reality. Oftentimes, the world gets too much for us, and our way of handling it is to crawl into our own fantasy cubbyhole and hide there. We hate the real world. ( This is also why Pisceans have alcoholic and drug tendencies )

3. We are imaginative. Because we live so much in fantasy, it's pretty easy for us to weave our own fantasy threads. And we can weave some pretty damn big ones at that.

All 3 options are bad enough on their own, but when you put them all together, it's a recipe for cosmic disaster, if you ask me.

I went through another insomniac night last night, tossing and turning on my bed. Somehow, my body has the idea that it is wrong to sleep before 12, and if I try to sleep any earlier than that, it protests. Either that it was fooled by the light filtering through my window. ( Ever notice how bright it is at night? What with the street lights, and the corridor lights, bouncing and reflecting all over the place, it's a wonder anyone of us gets any sleep at night. )

Or maybe it was all the rubbish that was going through my head. ( Or maybe the rubbish came up because I couldn't sleep? Chicken and egg, chicken and egg. ) Look at the palms of my hand. They're covered all over with lines, criss-crossing all over the surface of my palm. Such lines represent things worrying on the person's mind. And if that's the case, I've tons of worries. ( Probably a result of the 3 Piscean Tendencies )

One of the things on my mind was my love life. ( Gods I hope I don regret posting this up later, but it does feel better to tell someone(s) about it ) Or should I say, rather, my utter lack of it. I'm already 23 and still haven't gotten into a relationship yet. Granted that I'm mature enough ( or I like to think so anyway ) to know that it doesn't matter that I'm single, that I have other things in my life, that there will be someone out there, that my time will come, yadda yadda, still...

"Those who stand in the spotlight will never know how it feels, to stand so close to it, and yet never be in it."
~Xander, an ep of Buffy.

You see all your friends being shot down by Cupid's arrow one by one, ( some of them getting that arrow painfully wrenched out later on, and still having a broken off arrowhead stuck in their hearts ) and pretty soon you realise you're one of the few left standing. The rest are all away somewhere in that little bubble of luv that a couple builds up around itself whenever they're together. It sux even more when you're a single gal out with 2 bubbles. You feel uncomfortable, slightly ignored, and wondering whether if you were to wander off by yourself, would the bubbles even notice you were gone, and how long would it take them to look outside their bubble and realise you were gone?

( With this note, if I ever get attached, I solemnly swear that I will never do this to any of my single-at-the-time friends. If I do, may Aphrodite kick me in the butt. )

Friends give you advice, encouragement, ( for which I am eternally grateful ) but you still wonder. Is this really what God has meant for you? Maybe you can do more good to the world if you were to remain single? Maybe you're destined to be this way? On the paternal side of the family, there seems to be a 1/3 chance of getting hooked. My grandfather was the eldest of 3, and the only one to be married. My father was also the eldest of 3, and also the only to be married. My granduncle, grandaunt, uncle and aunt are all unmarried, even to this day. Maybe it's in my genes? I have a 1/3 chance of getting attached and married, which I share with my bro?

Dragonfly then enters into the neuroses. ( Er, if you're reading this... Bear with me while you can. ) Should I have tried entering into a relationship with him? Do I like him enough to start something with him? Or am I, as juls said in the Reloaded episode, more in love with the idea of love, rather than love itself? Is it fair to enter into a relationship, simply for the sake of ending the eternal loneliness? And just as importantly, do I like him?

( Sensing a lot of people reading this with bated breath )

I have a slight confession to make. *_* Some days, I walk home, wondering whether I'll meet him along the way. I have a student living at his block, and when I walk there, I wonder if I'll meet him, or whether he's home or out late, working on his ECA. Some nights, I stand at my kitchen balcony, looking over at his cluster of flats, and wondering whether he's working late tonight, or whether he's even home at all.

Does this constitute "like"? Or is it more a case of me realising I have a dragonfly and unable to ignore his presence on my shoulder? Am I noticing him because he came up like the little bleep on the radar screen? Or is it simply that the physical proximity reminds me more often of him?

*Bleep *Bleep *Bleep

Then again, what makes me think he's still my Dragonfly? Maybe he's already tired of me, flown away to another shoulder when I turned my head away for too long. Maybe he's been scared off by my neurotism and has gone away to more peaceful shores. Maybe he's just busy with work, school and life and hasn't really thought about it, unlike me.

What the hell am I thinking? What the hell do I want?

ARGH!!! I SHOULD JUST TAKE A BLOODY SLEEPING PILL THE NEXT TIME!!!

Trying to get myself to sleep, I tried instead to think of something that would relax me instead. I tried to use my Piscean imagination to put myself back on the streets of Paris, on Vauxholm. I tried to remember the spread of colours in Midsummer Stockholm. I tried to remember the rolling green fields that had no end, the impossibly blue sky, and the way the seagulls would cry, as they glided above me.

And then I entered another kind of depression, on realising that I was still in Singapore, with all the HDB blocks boxing me in. With the endless pressures and expectations of society, family, friends, and my own insecurities. That feeling of endless hope and potential was lost, and all I had left of it was a rapidly fading memory that I desperately tried to hold on to. Feathers floating off into the sky, my hand grasping desperately for one, knowing that if I caught one, everything would be all right, but still they floated elusively out of reach.

Once I dreamt that I was on holiday again, with Juls, Jordan, and Sophia. We were somewhere, I don't know where, and we were preparing to go off and explore this new city we were in. We ran off along a street, excited and happy...

And then I woke up, and I realised I was still in my bed in Singapore. No new horizons to explore. Same old dreary Singapore. Gods, now that was the most depressing wakeup ever.

I don't miss the buildings, I don't miss the attractions, I don't miss the food, I don't miss the people in Europe. What I missed most were the feelings I had through the trip. Feelings of peace, unbridled freedom, a sense of euphoria, and a heart bursting with optimism, and self-confidence, that everything in the world was truly possible and that I could, and was capable of, doing anything that I wanted. That's what I took from Europe, and that's what I missed most.

What a buncha crap. Note to self: Don't read books about paranoid-psychotic-depressive teenagers before bed, like the Moth Diaries by Rachel Klein, and don't eat garlic bread as a late night snack.

I don't know what time I finally snoozed off, but I know it was after my bro had finished his project work and came up to bed, so it must've been late. I woke up in the morning, at 730, to prepare for a 9am student, and it felt like my eyes were drooping lower than a St Bernard's, and so dry I had to keep blinking and tearing. Even now, at 2pm in the afternoon, my eyes want to sleep, even though my body and mind are wide awake. I even told Dragonfly that I thought he was embarrassed to talk to me or something, because he'd turned me down the last few times I asked him out for dinner. Great, another dumb SMS that I'll probably regret later. Groan...

The one uplifting point about today was the glorious weather on the walk home from J8. 12 in the afternoon, the sky was a clear blue and the sun was a comfortable warm temperature, like the embrace of a lover's arms. Everything was bright and sunny, and served as a reminder from God of 2 things:

1. This is why you chose to forsake the office life. This is one of the simple things in life that tell you life is worth living, and life is good.

2. Everything's good. Everything's fine. Live your life, instead of worrying about it.

Blogging over, time to leave the house, and live. =)