Post Departure Blues

It's about 21 more hours till I depart and now I'm suffering from some kinda post-depart-blues.

Has anyone read/saw the book/movie 25 hours? It's about the last 25 hours a guy spends in the city of New York before he has to go to jail. All throughout the book, the guy notices lots of small details about the city that he never noticed before. It's like he has this one last chance to take in everything before he loses it all. The writer also describes all these things in intimate detail, so we can imagine how the main character would feel, looking at these sights he took for granted before, for the last time.

In some weird way, I kinda empathize with that. My last few days in Singapore, I've been going around thinking, "This is the last time [for 3 weeks] I'm gonna be walking around here. This is the last time [for 3 weeks] I'm gonna be doing this. This is the... Ah screw this!!!"

Maybe it's because this is gonna be the first time in about 10 years [yes, it's been that long] that I'm going to leave Singapore for more than a week. Before this, it was all little holidays to Malaysia, [lots of those] once to China, once to Jakarta, but always Asian countries. Yellow skin and black hair. Chinese, Malay, some Hokkien, always something familiar in the background.

Now it's the Land of the Ang Mohs. Now I'm the odd one out. Sigh.

So I've been going around like the condemned man, trying to take in all my familiar sights for the last time, [for 3 weeks] trying to remember what everything looks like, eating the food I know I can't get there... weird, that for a holiday, I'm acting a little like a condemned person.

Oh God, I'll miss everything. Me bed. Me bolster. Me radio. Me handphone. Me comics. Me books. Me prata. Me Indian rojak. Me blog. And of course, me Frenz. ;)

Going home at 12am and knowing that nothing will happen to me on the way. Walking around Orchard Road knowing that the chances of me getting pickpocketed is that little. Carelessly throwing my handphone into my bag. The greenery. The fresh air. The familiarity of it all.

Who was it who said you had to lose something in order to know just how much you loved it?

And not to mention, MY PARENTS AREN'T EVEN SEEING ME OFF!!!!! They had this idea that I was leaving on Tuesday and they made plans!!! I was like, "Huh? Ok lor." and called jcsz to enquire about space on his car to the airport. Then later my father comes around and tells me that maybe he'll see me off, and "Huh?" I'd already called jcsz! So he goes, "Ok lor, then you go with your friend lor."

ARGH!!!!! MEN!! BLOCKS! BLOCKS ALL OF THEM! [That includes YOU and I think you know who you are!] It just FIGURES that they're the ones who SUCK at the body-language reading [as evidenced by a book Candle and I were browsing through] and the emotion reading part! Of COURSE I want you to fetch me there! Chris'sakes, your only daughter is leaving the country for 3 weeks without you lor! You gonna just let her go without even knowing WHO she's going with???

I donno whether to take that as a sign of their trust in me abilities, or their lack of concern. "Hey, she's gone before and come back alright." Grr.

Ok, I'm definitely entering PMS mode. And about to fly off somemore. Damn. Need chocolate to stabilize.

Or alcohol would be good too. Hmmm......

Nah, I'll stick to good ol' humour.

Another song to add to our spoof collection:

Leaving on a Jet Plane

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
My luggage's dumped near my front door
I'm blogging now, just to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
I don't have time to finish my song
Already I'm so crappy I could die

So see me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
To come back, then to the pub we'll go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
It's 3 weeks when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I have to go

There's so many times I've crapped around
So many people I've suanned around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
[cos I was talking rubbish]

Every place I go, I think of you [all]
Every pic I take, I'll take for you [all]
When I come back I'll upload everything [into my blog......]

So see me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
To come back and all my pix I'll show...

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
It's 3 weeks when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I have to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me blog here
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I will be able to blog once more
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, see me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
To come back and shop and eat again....

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
It's 3 weeks when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I have to go......

Typo: Apparently my flight leaves at 925 on Sunday, instead of 11pm like I originally said. *Phew* lucky I confirmed with jcsz beforehand...

Kairos: Info on Dragonfly? Er, start reading archives from ard start of May? Hahaha...

A change from the European rantings I've been doing of late...

Plagiarized from Krystal's blog

I tried the Name Acronym but somehow it really screwed up my blog. So basically my name reads:

K=Kinky
H=Honorable
E=Enjoyable
L=Loving
A=Arty
T=Temperamental
H=Honorable

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator

From Go-Quiz.com

Interesting that the first one is kinky... Oh behave... And a double helping of Honorables! Does that mean I'm destined to be a judge? :p

And a pretty touching story...

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said..no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever..and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry? and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough.

As she walked away, tears streaming down her face. The boy grabbed her arm and said... You're not pretty, you're beautiful, I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you forever, and I wouldnt cry if you walked away...I'd die...

Altogether now... Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.............

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

If you haven't seen this show already... WTF???

Joel Barish [Jim Carrey] one day finds out that his girlfriend Clementine [Kate Winslet] has undergone surgery in order to erase all memory of him from her mind. On a mad impulse, he goes to the clinic that she did it and orders the procedure for himself.

However, as the erasure is being done, Joel's mind becomes conscious. As he goes through all his memories of her, and all the good times they had, he suddenly realises that he doesn't want to lose his memories of her. His mental avatar goes on a wild chase in order to save his memories of Clem from being erased.

One reason to watch this show: Charlie Kaufman, the talented writer. His words are smooth, without being stereotypical, or kitschy, and hence, very realistic. And yet, he manages to make them sound very poetic, very lyrical, as if you were reading a good poem in a book. Definitely not your usual Hollywood dialogue. The love scenes are touching, without being vomit-inducing.

Also the plot is refreshing and really makes one think. Would you undergo such a procedure in order to forget a bad break-up? [In a scene where Carrey first enters the clinic, there is a woman sitting there with various doggy apparatus on her lap. Hm.] Kaufman suggests the view that, stung with the recent pain, you may think you want to, although you really don't want to.

At first, when the erasers took away the memories of recent arguments he had with Clem, Joel was happy to let those memories go. Then as they went further back, to when the relationship was good, to rare moments of intimacy between the two, he becomes desperate to hold on to them.

So even though things may seem bad sometimes, if one were to calm down, think a bit deeper, then maybe there are things worth saving after all. After Joel remembered all the good times, he realises all the things he loved about Clem rather than the things he hated, and then he realised that he still loved her after all.

I dunno. I'm of the opinion that no matter how bad some memories are, they still serve in one way or another to make you the person that you are. Our present beings are the result of the sum of our experiences, and if you take away any of those past experiences, we would have lost some part of ourselves together with it. It is through our memories that we learn, that we know.

[Hm. Maybe I should have explained it this way when one of my students asked me why history was so important as a subject.]

Also, the film raises the point that even though you had the memory erased, you may still be doomed to commit the same errors. Firstly, because you lost the memory of the previous failure, and secondly, because of your inherent character.

The character that illustrates this most clearly is Mary Evos, [Kirsten Dunst] the receptionist at the clinic. Hm, shan't reveal the ending. Go watch the show and find out what she did, and what happens to her. Hee.

All in all, a very touching love story, and very refreshing from the candy-pop-bubblegum stuff that usually comes out.

Starman - Underrated Comic

Hm. Just tried to find info on the Net on this comic and came up zilch. That just shows you...

In the tradition of Batman, Superman and other costumed heroes, Starman is Jack Knight, who wields the Cosmic Rod that channels cosmic energy to fight the bad guys of Opal City, and other supervillians that come his way.

NOT in the tradition of other costumed heroes, Starman is dressed in old WW2 goggles, a black leather jacket, old hawaiian shirts and pants.

The theme that runs through the Starman story arcs is that of PAST. Jack Knight is the reluctant hero, who takes up the Starman name from his father, the original 1950s Starman, when his brother dies. At first, he is unwilling to take up this mantle, because he dismisses his father as a costumed idiot running around trying to save the world. Then when a crimewave hits Opal City, the place he grew up in and loves so much, he is compelled to take up the rod in order to save it.

All through the arcs, however, we can see that Jack is in fact, more like a hero that he thinks he is. A lot of times, he will rush into the midst of danger, only to think: "Wait a minute. Why am I doing this? This is what a hero does!" And then starts beating up the bad guys.

The writer does a very good job in characterization and plot development. Rather than a series of disconnected mini-stories, the Starman arc more closely resembles a long-running drama series, with good actors and storyline. The other comic that most resembles this aspect would be the much acclaimed Sandman storyline. This is a welcome change from most other action comics, because then you can really see how the characters in the story develop as the plot progresses.

Also, as I said earlier, the PAST plays a significant role in this storyline. All throughout the stories, we are reminded of how Jack's father, Ted Knight, was the original Starman, and some of Jack's actions are influenced by what the original Starman would have done. [Sorta like when you take over the family business, only this family business is crime fighting] There are also appearances by heroes from the 1950s, who pop up now and again to tell Jack what happened in the past, in order to help him in the future.

This is a good story to check out, and no wonder it's an Eisner-winning comic. I recommend starting with Sins of the Father to get an idea of what I'm talking about. The books can be borrowed from National Library. [Hey, you didn't think I had that much money to buy new comics now, didcha?]

A major European Headache

Too many people are finding out the truth behind the handsome blonde in the last post. Damn. Apparently my writing was too obvious.

Oh well, if you still donno the truth or just dunno what I'm talking about, go to the last post, and Choose Every Word.

Darn. Trying to do research on places to visit in Europe, and finding out exactly why is it I hate doing research. *pulls hair out*

Read book. Much info. Have to photostat. Too much info. What to photostat?

Search Net. Wrong language. Found info. Found that info is lacking. Print. Read. Again.

Info. Info. TOO MUCH INFO!!!!! How to choose which place to visit?? How to know who'd like to go where? Where do I find cheap, good food? ARGH!

Tempted to take thick Lonely Planet book and throw at nearby target. Any target.

Also the crime part is scary. You grow up in safe, secure Singapore and you read about how luggage is stolen, bags are slashed, drugs are smuggled and people are held up in other countries? Makes you [or rather me] wanna run to your bed and hide beneath the covers. I swear, if anything happens to me on this trip, I will never ever criticise Singapore for being a protective nanny state ever.

Other than that, most of the stuff have already been bought, and am now in the midst of winding up my affairs here in Singapore. Which basically means that I'm informing Dr Fox Mulder I'm leaving, my tuition kids that I'm leaving, assigning a pile of homework for when I'm gone, and giving Candle instructions for my convocation.

My little box is now full of the stuff that I need, and hence bought, for the trip, and what's left is basically the clothes, toiletries, and barang. Then I have to clean out the room, hoping to get away with just throwing everything on the floor into the cupboard, and sweeping a bit. After that I have to actually fit everything into the backpack.

Then drive up the guts to make sure I go.

Just kidding. Hee. Of course I'd go. I'm just getting a whole bunch of butterflies, horseflies, houseflies and other-flies in my stomach. [no, no dragonflies.] First time away from Singapore, with friends, and for so long. Before, if anything happened, I could always count on Daddy nearby, and now, I have to count on myself and me friends. I'm paying my own way, I'm staying and bathing with unfamiliar people in unfamiliar places.

Gods, I almost feel sick. I need my blankie.

Anyway, for more practical info:

=I'm leaving on Sunday, 13th June, 11pm at Terminal One, which means that handphone will be off from Sunday night onwards. Anyone who wants to contact me one last time has to call/SMS before then.

=From the 22-25 June I'd be staying in Turtle's room in Stockholm, so I'll try to put something up on the blog during that period of time. Stay tuned. But don't worry if you don't see something new. It doesn't mean I've been kidnapped/raped/poisoned/injured and in danger of death.

Just 4 more days......

Blonde in Bishan

Walking through Bishan Park one morning, I noticed a handsome blonde standing near the huddle of pet shops in the area. He was a golden retriever, one of my favourite dog breeds, so I couldn't help but go up and take a pet.
"Hello there," I said, "What'cha doin' here?"
As I spoke, I imagined what his replies would be.
"Hello there," He said, with a wolfish grin, "Just hangin' round with me mates." And pointed to his friends, hanging around behind him, a little suspicious of me. They were all scottish terriers, and less inclined to be friendly.
We talked for a while, and then he got restless.

"Can't keep a good chap all fenced up like this," He said, "Hang on, lemme get outta here." He was standing in a fenced up area, which had a small hole under it, and he began trying to crawl under the hole to get out!

"My god! Can you squeeze through?"

"Sure can," He said, grinning at me, "Jus' watch me." And he actually did! The pet shop owner definitely has a prison-break on his hands now.
The rest of his friends gaped at him over the fence.
"Oi, mate!" one of them shouted, "Whaddaya think ya doin'??" He kept barking frantically from the pen.
"Don't worry about me, mates!" He shouted back, "I'll be back in a while!"

I now started to worry. He was free of the pen, and kept running circles around me. Possibly enjoying his new-found freedom. I grabbed his collar to stop him running off.

"This is brilliant! C'mon! Let's take a run!" He pulled me by the hand in one direction. Ack, but he was strong! Nearly pulled me off my feet!

"You can't do this!" I said, worriedly, "We'd better stay here." I didn't want the pet shop owner to come out and accuse me of stealing his $XXX golden retriever, and I was also afraid that the scottish terriers would follow suit and we'd really have a prison break on our hands.
"Aw, c'mon!" He tugged harder, "It's not often a guy gets to go out like this!"

"Sit down I say!" With the authority in me, practiced through many tuition sessions.

"Aw nuts," he said, sitting down on the grass. "Wotta wet blanket." Then suddenly, "I thought I saw something!" And tried to run off with me again. Argh! Couldn't help it, I tugged harder on his collar, trying to get him to sit down while I called for help.
We played this cat-and-dog game for a while, while I looked around frantically at the pet shop. Finally I saw an employee, and waved to her to indicate I needed help. "Oi! Is this your dog?" I shouted.

The employee noticed my predicament, and called out to a guy in the shop, who came out and walked towards us. When he noticed the guy coming out, "Aw nuts.", he said down placidly, awaiting his fate.

"You've been a bad boy!" I admonished.

"Aw, can you help a guy?" He stood up to his full height, and tried to give me a hug. Doggy style of course.
"Ok, ok, good boy, good boy, sit down already!" I said. I patted his head and scratched behind his ears.
Finally the guy from the shop came, and I told him what had happened. "Wah, he quite smart hor?" referring to the blonde guy, when I showed him the hole in the fence. Finally he led the dog off on a leash.
"See ya, luv!" he called out, while he was being led off.

Wah lau, quite a freaky experience, but at least no harm done to either party.

I've been trying to put together stuff for the Europe trip, and I can't believe how little I actually have to bring over. I currently have a box in my room where I throw in the stuff I need for the trip, to be packed later. And the box actually seems rather light. Hm. Maybe my bag will be lighter than I think.

I'm also realising that there are tons other stuff I need that I never really thought of. Like padlocks for the backpacks, to prevent theft. Concentrated laundry detergent, for, er, laundry. [$3.30 at Robinsons, supposedly good for 20 washes. Will tell you guys how it is] Axe oil and panadol as part of 1st aid. ARGH!

Because of this, been spending like crazy too, all part of the 'i need it for the trip' mentality. So... could be possible I'm spending a leeeetle more than needed, actually, to make my life a bit more comfortable there. Hee. Guilty Hee. But at least I finally 'liquidated' all my savings for more cash, or rather, I went to the bank with a bag of $1 coins I'd been saving since the start of the year, and plonked them in front of the teller. "Coin Deposit please."

Ah God. Ah God. Ah God. 4 more days till I go. I think I'll spend the remaining days eating all the cheapo hawker food I can find, before I go and potentially starve myself over there.

Anyway, me and the Dragonfly are slow, and I think I prefer it that way for now. Easier and more comfortable to face each other as friends rather than 'maybe something else'. :p Krystal: Don't worry, he definitely knows how I feel, seeing as how he read my entire blog, looking for references to himself. Hahaha... For now, I think this way easier, and less stressful on me also. :p Since, as I mentioned before, I should not be the 'predator' in this case, I'll just wait and see what move he makes to make me change my mind... hahaha... are you feeling worried now? ;p

And do we even have to go to a next step? Maybe if it's meant, it's meant. I still have a few concerns about getting into a relationship with him, so until those are met...

Que sera sera...

Sitting at Sakae sushi with the Dragonfly, waiting for the food to arrive.

"So... I read your blog."

"Er, just how far did you read?"

"Oh, the whole thing. Right up to the reloaded one."

"......Hey! The tempura's arrived! Try the tempura! They're good!"

Yeeaarrrggghhh......

But then again, the idea of a blog is to cue other people into what you're thinking, so in this sense, it worked. A little too well for my liking, but it worked. [Hey! How was I supposed to know he could get Internet access in camp???]

Am I embarrassed that he reads some of this stuff? Do you see me holding up the Sakae menu to my face?

Do I regret that he reads it? Nah... In a strange sense it's slightly better this way. It's easier for me to express what I feel online, so this way he knows how I stand on my end. And I kinda appreciate the honesty. Don't like to hold things back from my friends. [Just hope I don't cross some invisible line of privacy or something...]

Of course the flipside is that he knows just how screwed up I am inside. =P Bleurgh..... boogle boogle gee... And kinda balances it out, since most of the [highly imaginative] crap seems to be coming from my end... Bleurgh again...... Most guys, apparently, have a very simple, direct mind. It's the girls who'd come up with a thousand dozen scenarios instead of simply settling for the most simple course. Mars and Venus.

But interestingly, he doesn't remember most of what I write, except for the essence, and especially parts where a 4-letter word appears. Namely: JCSZ.

Wahahaha... so cute... 2 red-faced people sitting opposite each other in Sakae, waiting for their orders to arrive...

Never mind... I shall switch to other topics......

Prisoner of Azkaban

Like, has anyone seen how DAMN CUTE Daniel Radcliffe is, now that he's growing up??? Just look at that 8Days cover with him!! OMG!!! This may seem mildly paedophilic, but he has the makings of a cutie! Now, only 3 more years to go... =P


Azkaban is a pretty good HP movie, with all the darkness and stuff that were so hyped up in the papers. Funnily, not really that dark to me, but then again, I'm a almost-there-satanic-paganistic-unbelieving-what-have-you so it's mild to me. I ain't no fresh-eyed-bright-eyed-innocent-child-o-mine who hasn't been touched by worldly corruption.

But TOO MANY HOLES. There were too many holes in the plotline this time. A lot of stuff in the book that could have fleshed out the storyline and added more depth were sorely missing. Once again, that sense of loss is even greater this time. I would have loved to see the scene where Harry plays Quidditch and accidentally hexes Malfoy with the Patronus charm. [read the book, people...] Things like the Marauders' Map were also left unexplained, and also Harry's talk with Dumbledore at the end, and whatever happened to Sirius was too abrupt.

This mainly resulted in me giving Dragonfly a crash course in Harry after the movie, to fill up all the loopholes in it. Oops...

The more interesting experience, however, concerned the audience. Bearing in mind that we watched it on a weekend, in June, the theatre was filled with kids, and probably every other person there was a HP fan. [Me too! Me too! Expelliarmus!] This also meant that everytime something interesting was about to happen, there would be an excited buzz through the theatre.

"Knight bus... knight bus..."

"It's the whomping willow!"

"Buckbeak!"

Talk about spoiling your sense of anticipation. But hey, they're kids... :p

Also interestingly, the theatre was most silent during the action scenes, or more exciting parts, but when it came to the heart-to-heart chats, everyone became restless again. Sigh... kids...... [said in most worldly, adult-like voice]

Another thing about the movie: You catch a pretty grown-up Harry in one scene, and then when they switch scene, suddenly he's a kid again? The kids seem to go from childhood to puberty like an adolescent male switches from alto to baritone. Up, down, up, down. Huh??? Thank goodness for the next film they should be firmly settled into adolescence.

Good movie, but I'll stick to the book. Book 6! When art thou???

Urban Dream Capsule

Has anyone checked out Urban Dream Capsule? They're a group of 4 guys who've willingly locked themselves up in the Esprit shop window at Raffles city in order to become a living shop display from 30 May to 13 June, as part of the Singapore Arts Festival.


Don't worry though, 'cos all their basic amenities have been provided for in the shop window. I mean f'godssake, the furniture they use looks so damn funky I wish I could decor my house the same way. They cook, sleep, and bathe in full public view. Yes, I said bathe. The shower cubicle they use has a leaf pattern tactfully painted to hide *cough cough*

The picture on the left shows their kitchen area. It's so bloody colourful and funky! But what I don't get is where they get their food from. Do they call Pizza Hut or something? Do they deliver food in through a slot in the door? Er......

The guys can also communicate with passerbys through paper or sign language. This passerby happened to have a writing board in her bag.


Busily writing away...


"Ooh! So THAT'S what char kway teow is!"

Ok, that's probably not what they wrote to each other.... I didn't see it...

But anyway, the guys are pretty friendly, for a group of budding exhibitionists. It's pretty interesting to watch them in their 'house' and see how they suan each other and make fun of passerbys. Hee. It's kinda like reality TV but more... real. =P

You can email the guys at udream@starhub.net.sg or you can just go down to the Esprit window to ogle at them. You can't miss it. It's the only window with all the oglers standing in front of it.

2 of the guys:



One week before I fly off to London. Sigh... still got a buncha shopping to do, and it's all necessities for the trip. [wish it could be a new wardrobe or new comics or something but...] At the same time, my 'needs' list for the trip keeps expanding, and the number of questions just keep popping up. Like, laundry, underwear, crime, cash, insurance blah blah blah......

ARGH! On the one hand, I REALLY wanna get outta here. On the other, I'm starting to dread all the [potentially major] problems I could face when I get there! [in her best Dorothy voice] I AIN'T GONNA BE IN KANSAS NO MORE! Er, not that I ever was, but I think you get the reference...

Gods it's gonna be a whole new COUNTRY, a whole new CONTINENT, and a wholly different CULTURE from the one I've lived in ALL MY LIFE. How will I survive???? BWAAAAAAAH.......... I suddenly have an urge to bring my fatso, stuffed Chubbyhugs cat along just so I'd have something to hug if I have to. Then again, if I bring him and I lose him over there... BWAAAAAAAAH...........

*Plays "Leaving on a Jet Plane" on the com*

Wah say ah, nebber know Singlish can be so cheem cheem one... dunno whether they talk cock only one or trying to act smart, but damn funny to read.

Click here hor

Vesak Day Slack...

A public holiday is a day to kick back, lay back, and slack off. There's no other explanation for it.

I went to a chalet that my relatives booked, about 10 minutes walk away from Downtown east. Pretty ulu chalet, right at the end of the road, after leaving the bustle of people going into DE. Which is good, because then it's quiet and peaceful and you won't hear screams of terror from Escape while you're barbequeing.

Anyway, I always thought that my dad's side of the family was the crappy one. Turns out I inherited a fair amount of crappiness from this side too. Nibblets:

1>
DuaYi [loosely translated as "Big Auntie". the following takes place in a mixture of very animated English, Malay and Hokkien]:
"We go to jacuzzi, wearing our t-shirts, and the jaga there tell us cannot like that. I tell her, then those Malay boys wearing shorts neh? How come their home clothes are clean and ours not meh? Don see us orang tua orang kecil then bully us ok!" while gesticulating wildly and slapping her palms.

Uncle to Aunt and Cousin:
"We're going now. This place, full of gangsters."

DuaYi:
"I tell you, we not happy, pee in your pool then you know! See whether clean or hygienic or not like that!"

Dad, muttering:
"I don't think I'm going swimming today."

2>
JeeYi [loosely translated as 2nd Aunt] to me:
"You going swimming?"

Me:
"No, I didn't bring a costume."

Jeeyi:
"Never mind lah, just jump in in your bra and panties and tell them it's a bikini."

Me:
"........."

Anyway, I was saved from the potentially polluted pool by going skating with my dad. And let me tell you, the guy who designed Pasir Ris Park? Hates rollerbladers. I'm convinced. Horrible, rough road for bladers, with those irritating breaks in the road, and then come to a bridge with a 40deg slope, struggle up, clawing like crazy over the speed stripes, [speed stripes on the upward incline?? what the heck for???] and then pray to Lord Jesus Christ to keep your ass safe on the slope on the way there, zoom down screaming, and then thank His Goodness that you didn't break your neck zooming down.

Ok, I exaggerate... hee.....

But I did land on my bum again. Ow.

So after that, all hot and sweaty, Dad n I take a walk to Downtown East. We saw the new Water Park! It was open to the public, though not all the facilities were fully complete.



but dammit, it's EX! Admission for adults, if you rent a float and a locker, comes up to almost $18!!! Wah freak!

I'd rather go for a cheap, simple form of entertainment, like slacking on a beach mat facing the beach like this:



aaaahhh......... suang..... and ignore the hairy-looking legs. I haven't installed Photoshop on this PC yet.

Look up and you see this:



But no, I didn't spend the whole day slacking. Walked to the end of the beach and found a mangrove swamp hidden away, and at its entrance, a fenced off... tree?



If you can see the words, this is why:



The amazing part about it is that it looks like any old ordinary tree, until you see the sign and then you realise there's something special about it. Otherwise you could just walk by n not notice anything.

And the sad part is that the mangrove swamp became a sorta trash grounds for people. Durian husk, plastic bottles and bags, food, and misc types of trash littered the entire area. Like geez people. Just because a mangrove swamp isn't the picture-perfect scenery you think all nature should be doesn't mean you have to treat it as trash as well.

So largely spent the whole day just being one heck of a bum, which felt good. My mind went blank of everything that could possibly worry me, concentrating instead on the cool sea breeze, the warm sunshine, the palm trees swaying, the kids playing in the sand, and the best camera angle for snapping these shots. In a way, therapeutic, after all the crap I've been going through these past few weeks.

A horoscopic thing? Pisceans and water? Or a pleasant change from the cityscape?

Whatever. It worked. That's the main thing. Next stop: East Coast or Sentosa. Mwahahahaha......

I can't believe I'll be flying off to London in less than 2 weeks. It seems... surreal? Unreal? The guys and I have been talking about this for about 4 years odd now, and to think it's less than 2 weeks away. I almost can't believe it's happening. I've been out of Singapore before, but always to Asian countries, discounting Australia to visit grandparents when I was in primary school. Once I hit adult age, my parents couldn't bring us overseas anymore, cos they'd have to pay for 3 adults, so the only trips I took were to Malaysia.

And this time, I'm going to another continent, another culture, almost 180deg away from ours. I almost can't believe I'm actually pulling this off. That my flight is booked, my accomo is done, and that I have to worry about packing for a long haul trip and all the stuff I need. I'm constantly confirming with Juls about whether the transport is booked, about whether the accomo is done, about the insurance, about the stuff we'd need, about, about about...... hoping and praying that nothing screws up before then, hoping all goes well, hoping we don't get kidnapped over there or blown to bits by terrorists....

Ok, banging my head with block of wood now. *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

So the final date of departure is Sunday, 13th June, 11pm and the date back is the 5th July. I'm hoping that means by the 6th I'll be fully recovered from the jet lag...

In Stockholm I'll also be staying in Turtle's hostel room, so I'll try to update the blog then.

*sigh* Almost there, almost there...

Nibblets... munch munch..

Went out with Necrokz tonight [er, did I spell that right this time?] due to an impromptu desire of her mother to not cook dinner.

But dinner wasn't the interesting part. That was later in Dome Cafe where we had a Sex In The City Moment, 2 single gals, complaining about love, life and men.

Excerpts from the conversation:
[for which she would smack me hard on the arm for]

N: Every morning, these 2 perverted, gwailan guys would come to my desk for a quick fix.
Me: ...... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
N: Ok, that sounded really wrong...

I laugh, she whacks me hard on the arm. Ow.

Next, we start talking about hellbound. [she reads my blog, so she's seen your nick on the tagboard]

N: It would be interesting to meet Hellbound. 2 single women, Necromaniac and Hellbound. We could start a relationship together.
Me: ...... BWAHAHAHAHA!
N: That wasn't quite what I meant!!!!!

Whack my arm again. Ow. [don't panic, Hellbound, that's really not what she meant. Hee.]

Thirdly, concerning Dragonfly:

N: I read an article in Her World, which talked about the girl taking the initiative in the relationship. Women should just drive up to the guy's block, call him up and tell him to come downstairs, and then drive him to a secluded spot where they can start making love.
Me: [with one eyebrow raised] so basically you're recommending I drive up to his block, call him down, drive him to a secluded spot, and then...? GET REAL!
N: No!!!!! That's not what I meant!!!

Whack on the arm again. Ow ow ow.

So basically, I go home tonight after a lot of laughs at Necromaniac's expense, a red arm from all the whacking, and an interesting nibblet on my blog.

For which she'd probably whack me again after reading this.

I have the most sadistic friends sometimes.

More Nibblets

Out with jcsz on Sunday nite, sitting at Coffee Club Xpress flipping through an old issue of Cleo. [Supposed to be helping him in marketing, but both got bored and tired and found Cleo to be much more interesting.]

After flipping through fashion, ["This dress is nice!" "No, doesn't suit you" "I didn't say I wanted to wear it, I just found it nice." "Still doesn't suit you." "Bah..."] Cleo's (then) 50 most eligible bachelors ["Where got cute???" "Yah lor! All of them suck!" "Hey, aren't these the guys from Eye for a Guy?"] and a section on penises, ["Hey, check out the micropenis... 1cm when erect..." "......"] we come to the horoscopes.

Excerpt from Horoscope for Miss Pisces for the year:
Expect new guys and new romances around July! Your creativity will be much enhanced during this period, so don't be afraid to embark on long term projects!

Me: "New guys? New romances? What new guys??"
J: "Maybe you'll go to Europe and meet some Arabian sheik."
Me: "......"
J: "Or some hunky European prince"
Me: "Ok, die. Now."

And who said we could trust the Bible?
Typos in the Good Book

I want my Preciousssssss....

Yupz yupz, if you don't know what that refers to... I dunno what planet you've been living on...

I finally went to the LORD OF THE RINGS exhibition on Sat with Necroz. Like FINALLY! Note to all going: If you want more value, present your matric card and pay entrance of $16 as opposed to $20 adult price. Also, before you buy your ticket at the annex, go to a counter next to it, say, "I want my precious...." in your most Gollum-ish voice, and get a free LOTR keychain! Talk about squeezing all the value outta your dough...

And people in Aussie: Sorry, but no word on extensions yet. They've had all kinds of ticket promotions but no extensions. Exhibition ends on 4th June.

Didn't manage to take photos, cos er, as usual, photography not allowed, and they even added camera handphones to the list. Damn! Busted! But the props are really cool, and the attention to detail is really amazing. They have everything from belt buckles, scrolls, books, to the model of Boromir's body in the funeral boat in Fellowship. Wah lau eh! We basically walked through all the exhibits ogling at everything and admiring the workmanship.

There's also this part where they demonstrate how they make hobbits look so small. They have a bench, split in 2 pieces, and at 2 ends of the booth. The benches are set against a green background.

Each person sits at a bench. Then the image is recorded and glued together to make it seem like both are sitting at the same bench against the background of the Shire.

The thing is, the person sitting on the left is amazingly smaller than the person on the right! When we tried it, I looked like a midget next to the gigantic Necroz, which is amazing, cos she's shorter than me!

Then after the LOTR there's an entry into a SFX exhibition, which demonstrates how they do all those fancy-schmancy special effects in movies. Like, you stand against a green background, do some movements, and you're recorded on a TV screen outside against a superimposed background. For $6, you can also record your own movie at the stations. [no I didn't... decided not to... hee] Lots of chances to ham it out here... hee...

We also went into the Science Centre itself, and checked out some of the Physical sciences exhibits and fooled around with the stuff. The most impressive display is the Tesla coil. This is in the atrium, and is something like a huge doughnut generator. When they switch it on.... Good god! Strikes of lightning, crackling with power suddenly shoot out from the coil! Impressive!

No, they didn't shoot out and blast the screaming audience. Rather, they're kept within a bounded area. How they did that..... I dunno. Science was never my strong suit. Hee...

We tried to check out the other exhibits, but got hungry, tired, and stoned from all the stuff. Finally, hopped on a bus to town for shopping. Hahahaha!

Some of the shops have some pretty good sales for the Great Singapore Sale. Sigh... And I realised the shitty thing about my trip is that I CAN'T SPEND A DIME!!!!! I have to save for my trip! While Necroz is happily zapping her ATM card away! ARGH!

When I come back...... I swear......

Anyway, pix:

Display board at the entrance
Sort of like a LOTR Snakes and Ladders.


The 2 statues at the entrance of the exhibit itself.


The 2 statues, after adding some text...

Guys, the comments work... Krystal I got your comment, so yes, even non-blogspot users should be able to use the function. Hope it's easy for you guys to comment.

Oh, and apparently there was a typo in my last post. It's not the police who are doing the nabbing of litterbugs, it's the National Environmental Authority [or I tink that's what it stands for]. Sorry to the boys in blue...

Welcome to Olly

My horoscope today courtesy of astrology.com reads:

Every fond daydream you've ever nurtured is about to be activated. You'll love every minute of it -- as will the lucky companion you've chosen to play your prince or princess.

Thanks to the stars... for screwing with my mind once again just when it was getting settled.

But there's a tinge of truth in it as well... for I have one more Prince in my life... hahaha...

I like to call him Olly...

Would you like to see a pic of him?

















Wait, I'm trying to upload the pix.....

everybody meet Olly

Ain't he cute? HAHAHAHA!

Hey no way I can deal with another dragonfly in my life... please...

But yes! yes! YES! MY 1ST DIGICAM!!! Nicked him Olly because it's an Olympus.. haha... looks just like the pic but the sliding part is blue...

So happy... *sniff sniff* And after using my camera phone, the resolution looks FANTASIC... And ZOOM! I HAVE ZOOM!

The software they give with the cam not too bad also... has the basic functions like crop, rotate, brightness/contrast, hue/saturation, colour balance.. namely all the stuff that I usually have to use photoshop for... so photo editing is easier. Actually all the photos linked to this blog have been edited.. hahaha... my photography skills aren't there yet.

Only drawbacks... apparently I can only use a particular battery and memory card with this cam... Darn...

But as a starting point for amateur photography, it ain't half bad... just that now I owe my dad another $300... eeks...

I feel like a giddy kid at xmas with a new toy... heeheehee... went out n took a few pix around town and bishan park... also took one of the best-looking pix there are of me out there... [zi4 lian4 kuang3] Anyone out there willing to pay for my pix? hahaha...

Oh, n I finally watched Shrek2. Not too bad, but somehow not as hilarious as the first. Ok, it's the Sequel Syndrome once again. Hey, the HP ad for dreamworks was cute though... :p

So pix from town: [warning, will take time to load]

From rooftop of Esplanade





Skyline of the city


Pix from Bishan Park:

Brownie

Brownie is an abandoned dog living in Bishan Park right now. He has a collar, but no ID tag, and he lives on the charity of the vet nearby and the people who walk through it from the Ang Mo Kio market.

He's lived there for about a couple months now, and having the whole of Bishan Park to wander in, is one of the most carefree dogs I have ever seen. He's also really friendly, and will allow you to pat him.

However, he's also scared stiff of cats. (??) I've seen him almost get his face half scratched off by a cat at the vet's. Also, another time, somebody gave him food, and he was happily eating until he spied a cat coming near.

Nearer and nearer the cat came, until when the cat was about 2m away from him, he bolted! And the cat happily helped himself to Brownie's food.

A dog scared of cats. There goes all the stereotypes, huh? ;)

Skyline of Bishan




Shady pond


View from my room
From the dark prison, to the wilderness beyond.


Interesting incident:
Just after taking the pic of the shady pond, I noticed an old man who had just walked past me, and kept giving me backward glances. I put it down at first to simple curiosity, [what is this girl doing taking pictures of this pond for what??] and then he asked me.

"Are you from huan2 jing4 bu4?" [loosely translated as Environment board?]

"Huh?"

He repeats his question and I go, No, no, for fun only. He nods his head in understanding, and then walks off.

As he does, I look down at myself. My hair is tied up, I'm wearing an oversized Bizad FOC T-shirt, bermudas and sandals, and I have a cheapo waistpouch, which is turned to my butt.

In what way do I resemble a government employee?

A little Nibblet

This is a quick update after watching the news. Regular post is below this.

Congratulations to all Singaporeans. I am pleased to inform you that you are living in a country with one of the lowest crime rates in the world.

In keeping with this, the Police in Singapore has apparently decided to undergo a job restructuring exercise within the Force. They can't retrench the excess numbers, because that might encourage more people to take up crime.

Since now there are too few thieves, drug smugglers, rapists, murderers etc. for them to prosecute, the Police now has to concentrate on catching the lesser-known criminals that are nonetheless, a threat to the civilised society we all know and love.

Plain-clothes policemen will now patrol and stake out several areas of Singapore in order to catch litterbugs in the act. Yes, litterbugs.

Why? Because Singapore has always been a clean and green city and we intend to keep it that way.

Anyone caught in the act will be fined $200 on the spot, for chucking your cigarette butt on the floor and not picking it up later. However, the Police are not completely heartless creatures. They will also give you a free tin box to commemorate the occasion and remind you not to litter in the future.

Beware residents of Toa Payoh, People's Park and Holland Village. The next time you throw that empty mineral bottle on the grass, the police are watching you.

Don't you just love staying in such a clean country? How Uniquely Singapore...

Reflections on Brown Paper

Interesting weekend indeed... Whenever I read over the Dragonfly entries I'm tempted to write myself the Great Singapore Romance Novel. What should I call it? "Dragonflies on the Shoulder"? Or just "Dragonflies"?

I have my protagonist all planned out. She will have a dragonfly, of course, and for added salt, I'll make her a dragonfly too! She will like this guy, and have this guy like her as well, all in secret! Wah, can write HK drama liao ah like that!

I'll span the saga from JC to Uni to when they start working. Along the way I'll create massive love triangles, sex, drugs, rock n' roll, and TONS of scandal! Mwahahaha!

Ok, should stop now.

Well, at least I can sympathize with my protagonist anyway. Besides the sex, drugs and scandal part anyway. As for a script, might need some help there. But at least if I don't win any scriptwriting competitions, I could try for a book... If I ever get down to writing it... hahaha...

--------------------------------

At my kid's house today, she showed me her composition exercise book. When I opened it I found streaks of liquid paper all over the compositions she had written for me previously, like someone decided to draw something on her book. White snakes all over her pencil handwriting.

"What the...?"

"My brother lor!" exclaimed Rachel in frustration. [sweet, primary 4 Rachel] "Don't know why he suddenly decided to draw on my book!"

"In liquid paper?"

"No, in pen, then I go over it with liquid paper lor." That explains the streaks. At the last written page, there is even a note, written in a much more adult hand, excusing the mess in Rachel's book.

"That one my father write one."

"Oh, ok. Did they scold him?" If my bro had tried doing that to my exercise books, my father would have given him hell about defacing other's properties.

"No, just tell him not to do it again." Ok, so her parents are a whole lot nicer to their kids than mine. I turn to the last page, examining the rest of the empty pages for more liquid defacement, and on the last page is a flurry of pen marks.

"Aiyah! Got some more I never liquid!" And she immediately reaches for the liquid paper and starts to erase off the pen marks. Some of the pen marks are on the cover of the book, and as she covers them with liquid paper, I cringe at the mess she makes on the book.

Because the cover of the book is brown, the ballpoint pen marks weren't that visible. Once she went over them with liquid paper, however, the thin, blue lines became huge, fat white snakes, and it made the cover of the book even uglier, the scars standing out even more.

Sometimes, you do stuff in your life you wish you'd rather cover up. Dumb, stupid things that make you wonder why you ever considered it in the first place, and make you wish that you could go back and change it all. But then, do you feel that sometimes when you try to cover it up, or push it to the back of your mind, it just makes it stand out even more?

Just that liquid paper on brown paper. You make a lot of stupid marks on the brown paper, and then you try to liquid it off, because it's always worked with white paper. But then to your horror, the liquid just becomes even uglier when it's applied to brown paper and now there's no way of getting it off. Now you think, godammit, I should have just left the marks there. It would have looked better.

Hmmmm...... Never thought one could have a flash of inspiration from a tuition exercise book...

Dragonfly Reloaded

I can't believe the entire Dragonfly Saga took slightly more than 2 weeks. Somehow it feels much longer than that. Many thanks to Quet's advice on her blog. It's something I've heard before, but somehow find it hard to act on. Will keep it in mind, and try to positively act on it. :)

I attribute all the actions of the past week to hormones. One should never try to think about emotional issues when one is high on hormones or PMS-ing. Because then you do [and type] weird stuff and then later on, when your estrogen levels drop, and you become a rational human being again, you wonder, What the hell did I do all that for???

Thanks to all the advice, comments, and inquiries about my general state of mental health. I'm fine. Really, I am. And yes, I think I should write a novel about this or something. Might prove therapeutic.

The Dragonfly is still on my shoulder, and I haven't shooed him away or sprayed him with Baygon. And yes, he knows about the contents of this blog, and has read the entire saga too. More details later.

But anyway, maybe I should explain a bit more about the events over the past week. It'll explain [sorta] why I've been so down this past weekend and sorta clear up things I guess. Besides, Dragonfly's in reservist this week so perchance he won't get to read this entry at all! Mwahahahaha!

Anyway, I think the trouble all started when I went out on Friday. After helping out at the CJC library, we went to the Village at China Square. [it's a marche ripoff, even down to the cows] Then I found out that they sold Long Island Teas for the cheapo price of $9! Usually in pubs they sell these jokers for about $18 each, so yay!

I drank about 2 cups of the stuff and as the night went on, felt my sense of balance slowly slipping, slipping...... Lucky got Matt, Jeff and Tiong to see me to the MRT station. [otherwise I might've popped into 7-11 to buy another bottle] Take my word for it, I wasn't drunk. I was perfectly aware of what I was saying and doing, just that I was saying a lot of rubbish lah. Eg: On the way to the MRT station, we passed a group of NJC students and I said in a rather loud, slightly off tone: "What are NJ students doing here on a Friday night ah? Not at home studying ah?" before Jeff shooed me off hurriedly. I knew what I was doing, just that er, I thought it would be rather fun to say it and have them hear it.

So I was a bit "saeh" that night lor. And qiao of all qiao I meet Dragonfly at Bishan Mrt.

We walked home, and came to this sorta crossroads. Well, actually it's a staircase lah. Staircase up leads to his house. Cross the road, leads to my house. We stood there talking for a while. And then he said bye and went up to his house.

I was a bit pissed at that, because hey, it's midnight, I told you I was a bit saeh, and you couldn't take the 15 mins to walk me home because you had to go up and do a report?

I knew I was a bit more off than I thought....... Now it all sounds so damn baka when I see the words being typed down. Godammit.

So I called jcsz and we went for teh at the local kopitiam where I poured out all my frustrations over him, frustration at dragonflies, frustration at being single, and a lot of Bridget-style despair over police finding my decayed corpse in my 1-room flat being chewed by all my cats... ok, scratch that last part.

Simply put, PMS and alcohol do NOT a good match make. And how do I know it was partly PMS? Because my period started on Sunday and I suddenly became more lucid, and my brain emerged again. Like all the bad blood literally flowed out.... haha, disgusting joke I know.

Now this is where this post comes in. That was typed on Saturday morning, and I was feeling a bit better after my skating.

Well, not exactly, because my mom screamed at me and my bro for being lazy bastards the moment she woke up, effectively spoiling both our mornings. Great, another woman in the household on PMS. I went off for Jap in a semi-gloom-pissed mood.

Jap was ok, until halfway during the class, I decided to check my SMS. One of them was from him and it said:

what dragonfly?

and then OH NO!!!!! HE READ MY BLOG!!! HE KNOWS! HE FRICKIN' KNOWS! OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL DID I TYPE EXACTLY???? WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK???

Calm down, calm down, I told myself, and then replied him:

oh did u c my blog?

And then no answer. This is where my mind starts to go wild. Is he mad? Is he pissed? Is he offended? Is he ever going to talk to me again as a friend? I tried to concentrate on my jap, but the train of thought went on many pit stops...

"Hai, now repeat, one to ten, ok? Ikimasho." said sensei. The whole class starts to chant, including myself.

"Hitori..."

"Futari..."

"Sannin..."
Is he offended by what I said on my blog?

"Gonin..."
Chia lat, why doesn't he reply me?

"Kyuunin..."
Why am I so kan cheong? Why should I be sorry for writing what I feel? What's it to him?

"Juunin..."

"ARGH!!!!!!!!!" I scream, "ANO KITANAI!!!" and fling my notes into the air while the rest of the class looks at me in bewilderment.

No, no that last part didn't happen. Really... What happened was instead, during break, I phone jcsz.

"OMG HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS THE STUFF I TOLD YOU LAST NITE BECAUSE I WROTE IT ON MY FRICKIN' BLOG. WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT."

"So? Let him read lah! It's how you really feel what!"

"But what if he doesn't want to talk to me again? I don't wanna lose a friend just like that leh!"

"If he's gonna drop you just like that, he's not WORTH having as a friend even! Don't worry about it, and just concentrate on your japanese!"

Sound advice... falling on a slightly unsound mind. Remember what I said about mind going wild when no replies to SMSes are received? Pisceans living with one foot in fantasy? My mind goes crazy and finally I send him this:

Hey... R U upset at me? I hope u din take offence or anything.

Why the frickin' hell did I do that? I donno. For the life of me, I DUNNO. If you put me up on a box in Abu Gharaid, holding 2 electric wires and forced me to explain, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO. It'll be much easier for me to simply jump off and trust to Fate.

So then... he doesn't reply! My mind goes into a whirl and later when I meet Candle for dinner, I blurt out everything to her. Thank god I was meeting her for dinner because if I was alone, I think I would have gone even crazier. I told her all that transpired over that Friday night, I told her what he sent me, and I told her how crazy I was feeling just then. At the height of my frenzy, he replied my last SMS:

Huh? I just woke up.

ARGH!!!! KITANAI!!!! ANO SAITEI KITANAI! BAKANA INU! ANO YARIMAN! ANO BAKA! SHINE! SHINE! SHINE KUDASAI---------------! [Ok, you guys shouldn't know the meaning of those words, but I think you get the gist.]I go through all that worrying and he was freakin' ASLEEP????? More head banging in order.

BANG~

BANG~

BANG~

But anyway, Candle did make an interesting point that evening.

"Are you sure you don't like him?"

"Huh?" We were walking along the Citylink underpass, and I was admiring the Shrek mural when suddenly she asks me this. "Well, I think I don't like him in that way right now. I have the feeling that he's too busy with his work to spare any time for a relationship, and I'm not sure I can live with being a supporting role to his life."

"Now that's weird, because you're acting just like --- did when she was trying to chase that blockhead. [names blocked out to preserve anonymity] The words you wrote on your last entry, if he doesn't want to do anything, fine! I'll find myself another guy and show him!, don't you think that's exactly like what she said the other time?"

"Uh.... did she?" I rack my brains, and realise she's right. I don't remember the exact words but I remember the sentiments --- was conveying at the time.

"And that time, --- was the one doing the chasing, and she was frustrated at the guy not responding. YOUR one is reversed."

"So you mean it's sorta like I'm the prey begging to be eaten, but the predator isn't doing anything."

"Exactly."

What the freak? What's going on with me now?

"It's a very simple explanation." jcsz says, as he's driving down the CTE. It's now Sunday afternoon, and we were planning a leisurely afternoon in town.

"What?"

"It's not quite that you like the guy, but more like you like the idea of being chased. The attention, the idea that somebody likes you that way. That's why when he doesn't pay you any attention, you start to want that attention."

Once again.... so true. The more I think about it, the more I feel that's how it is. After being in singlehood for so long, and being convinced that you're somehow repulsive to the entire male race, the idea that someone could actually like you is pretty ego-boosting. I'm not exactly in love with the guy, I'm more in love with the idea that he loves me.

Is love supposed to be this godammed confusing? Or is anything to do with emotions pretty much the same? Because even though I feel what jcsz said is right, there's also a flutter of uncertainty as well. Like maybe mostly it is... and a little bit it's not?

I shouldn't think. I always get into more problems when I think.

And then later my monthly friend pays me a visit, so he sends me off home early, and I go straight to bed, not wanting to think about anything else besides when these damned cramps are gonna end. I wake up in time to catch Japan Hour on CNA, ogle at the crab and lobster dishes, and then go to bed again.

What a weekend. And of all things, it ends with an SMS from him.

paiseh, went out with parents din bring phone

I reply back:

well jus tot dat when u said u din have e habit of answering yr sms... how true, how true

We go on for a while, and then he asks:

So whose dragonfly? me ah? haha

My face turns a deep shade of crimson and suddenly I feel like hiding it under my pillows. It turns out that he saw my blog, got curious about the dragonfly, and then read the entire saga. Oh freaking shit. Just when I thought he was too busy to care, he suddenly gets interested and finds out the whole thing.

But anyway, it's slightly better this way lah. For one, I know he wasn't offended or anything by my last entries, and for another, I know he's still willing to talk to me. Even though I'm not sure exactly how I feel about him, I know that at least I didn't totally turn him away from me.

Because even if we don't work out in a relationship, I still want us to stay friends. I still want to maintain that basic level of friendship, and I don't want it to be awkward when we meet.

And at least with this blog, though it's caused me more anxiety than I thought it was worth over the weekend, at least he knows my feelings and how things are going on in my end. [even though it seems like I'm the one who needs to know what's going on in the other end]

So... the saga continues... The one lesson I take from all this, is to not anyhow post stuff on the Net when pumped with estrogen. And to not always wildly imagine stuff that aren't there most of the time. And to remember that there are always other aspects of my life to think about, my dreams, my students, my art, my friends. My world doesn't revolve around Dragonfly, and it shouldn't. There are other humans around me, and I shouldn't completely discount them altogether. There are other dreams for me to live for, and I shouldn't just chuck them aside either.

And when it comes to a relationship with him... I think I'm too screwed with hormones and emotions to think clearly on this. I need to start thinking rationally about how I really feel about him, and how I feel about a relationship with him. To do anything without considering this would be unfair to him and would just make us end up like that arguing couple in the street. Which I don't want. I have to make sure my foundations are secure and strong before I do anything. Remain the status quo, until I'm ready to roll the dice and move so many squares forward.

What a screwed up weekend. Sigh. Hope this week goes a bit better... and a little calmer. I've had enough of this kind of excitement, thank you very much. :p

Bang. Bang. Bang.

One of my frens [you know who you are] said that I shared some traits with her ex, and put it down to us both being Pisceans. I said thank goodness I was born on a cusp, or you'd've been driven mad by me long ago, and I would have been horribly, horribly crushed by you.

Now I think I share another trait with that ex. My mind goes wild when people don't respond to my SMSes and I start to come up with various theories on why they don't, sometimes ignoring the most simplest solution.

What to do? Pisceans belong to the realm of fantasy. If you've seen me stone out, or gaze out into space when you're talking to me, you know what I'm talking about. We live with one foot in reality and the other in fantasy, and can happily hop from one side to the other.

This time I think I spent too much time in fantasy, and when I frantically tried to hop back, I crashed into the boulder of reality.

I need a wall. One nice, solid, plain wall. For me to bang my head against. Bang. Bang. Bang.

Then again, here's a reason why I should be happy to be single.

The following scene takes place near a bus stop. A guy and girl stand facing each other. The guy is waving his arms wildly, his posture obviously aggressive towards the girl. He speaks to her, not loudly, but with his anger and frustration clear, even though you don't hear the words he's speaking. The girl stands with her arms crossed, and head turned away from him. She's not interested in hearing what he has to say, and it makes him all the more frustrated.

Later on, they sit down on a seat. Are they tired of standing and arguing? Well, one but not the other. Even while they are sitting down, the same show takes place. The guy is stabbing his finger in the air in front of the girl, as if to emphasize his point. His whole body is turned towards her, but hers is not. Her legs are crossed away from him, her eyes are on the road, and her hands are clenched on the edge of the seat, the only sign of anger she reveals through her cool poise. She only turns to him when she wants to return his riposte, and then she would turn away from him again.

Finally she decides she has heard enough. She turns her back to him, her body moving to face the road. He tries to take her hand, but she snatches it back with a hiss and quick reflexes. It is as if some dirty creature had just tried to touch her. Rebuffed, he can only sit there in stony silence.

At last she shows a real sign of emotion. She bends down and puts her hands on her head, a sign of surrender. What is she surrendering to? Has she decided to surrender to her emotions, and let loose her tears, but is still unwilling to allow him to view this sign of her fraility? Or has she decided to surrender this relationship to its untimely end, and let it die?

I will never know. My bus comes and I leave them alone. As I do, other couples walk past them, hand-in-hand in seeming mocking sympathy, for what they may have just lost forever.

Sad? The sad part I think is that this actually happened tonight while I was in town waiting for my bus. For a moment during the argument, I thought I could hear their quarrelling through the music in my earphones. I hope that was some other sound I heard.

Wonder what happened to them. Unrealistic expectations? Most people are always saying people our age have unrealistic expectations, even other people our age. Maybe that's what happened to them. They went into a relationship with ideas of what it should be, and when those ideas didn't gel, they broke apart. The couple is left, sitting apart in stony silence, and you can almost see the crack in the air between them.

Hai... Zannen desu ne......

Bored Skater, and No Love on her Hands

She still stands in the middle of the crowd, with the dragonfly still perched somewhere on her back. No matter what she does, it refuses to move from its perch, hidden from her sight.

She wonders at its motives. Why does it stay there? Why does it not fly away? Why does it not make an attempt to become human?

Even as she asks the questions, it still does not answer her. There is a slight flutter of wings, but she is not sure whether that was supposed to be an answer, or merely a reaction to the wind.

Then the answer strikes her.

Why does it stay there? It is comfortable. Why forsake its current security for the wild unknown?

Why does it not try to be human again? It is too used to being a dragonfly.

Existing as a dragonfly for too long, the memories of being human become dimmer and dimmer, and the consciousness of a dragonfly takes over. After all, she is not going anywhere. She is not with anyone. There is no threat to its security.


Why change the status quo?


Fine, she says, You may remain a dragonfly if you wish to.

You may perch on my shoulder if you want to, and there will always be space for you.

But I will not wait for you to turn human.

The power to turn you back into a human is not within me, it is within you. The burden of proof lies within you and not within me. It is not up to me to turn you into a human, but up to you to prove to me you can be human.

So you may take your time to decide, but I will not wait.

And if I find someone else, I hope you, little dragonfly, will be able to fly freely to another shoulder to perch.

Having finished, she looks at the crowd around her.

Teeming, moving, masses of humans, walking in their own directions, parting around her as she stands in the middle of them. Part of them, and yet apart from them. Someday, someone will notice and wonder why there is a space within this crowd of people, become curious, and walk into her space. He might walk with her, he might not. Till then...

She turns and starts walking, the crowd making way for her unconsciously as she does.

Melodramatic no? I feel as if I've run the entire gamut of emotions of a relationship without having exactly started one in the past 4 weeks. Weird, how can one even feel like one has broken up, without having started anything in the first place?

But anyway, the above italics more or less sum up what I feel about the whole Dragonfly situation I guess. Read into it what you guys will. And if the Dragonfly who knows who he is happens to read this, and wants a better explanation, call me up and let's talk.

Got a bit depressed last nite thinking about it though. [could have been due in part to the 2 Long Island Teas I had at the Village with the Lib Exco that day.] Had Bridget-Jones-style anxiety attacks about being a single, old virgin and having the police find my 1-month-old decomposed corpse in my small, pathetic, cat-filled one room flat.

Ok, not exactly that lah, but about potentially being single for an extremely, extremely long period of my life, and always wondering, What's wrong with me, what's wrong with me.

But after a midnight teh session with jcsz, my mind cleared up and brightened up a bit. I have many things in my life I can be thankful for, patient friends willing to read my crappy blog being one of them, and there is nothing [thankfully] wrong with me, ie I don't give guys the impression that I'm a les.

Hence, this personal ad, inspired by jcsz:

Friendly, easygoing girl seeks amiable company. Loves manga, anime, and most things to do with art. Loves to read fantasy and crime novels, and any other books or graphic novels that catches her interest. Learning Japanese, Malay, and hopes to take up French in the near future. Trying to take up rollerblading again. Also an avid blogger.

Needs freedom in her life. Don't try to tie her down to a 9 to 5 job or you'll kill her. Willing to take lower pay in order to enjoy the pleasure of waking up at 9 and taking in the sunshine and air, and crispy prata for breakfast. Don't insist that she stay at home and do all the housework too, because she has dreams, and being your domestic help is not one of them.

Strengths include an easygoing, "chin-chai" personality, a lesser emphasis on material belongings, and also a "cheap" nature. This means that she'll rather eat at coffeeshops or fast food than fancy restaurants most of the time, and that she'll balk at the idea of you spending too much money on her. Also doesn't worry too much about "face" value, so will not insist you do things like dress up, or treat all her friends to dinner, just to give her "face". She thinks that's nuts. Also has a wide open sense of humour and will laugh at most things other girls think are disgusting or uncivilised. Just make sure they're not malicious strikes at her friends or family or she will crush you beneath her Converse sandals.

Her main weakness is she does not doll up. Forget about her always togged in the latest fashions or always looking hot. To her, she'd rather be comfortable, so you're most likely to see her in T-shirts, or tanks and jeans most of the time. Her fashion sense is about 2 seasons out of date. Her makeup is non-existent, her face is clogged up with blackheads and oil, her nails are horrifying long, and she could stand to lose about 5 kg. She has terrible posture, her shoulders slouch, she has no grace when she walks, and at home, has a habit of propping one foot up on the chair like some kopitiam beng. She also eats too much fast food and she loves fries.

If you think you are willing to accept all the above, and love and cherish her to the end of days, please make contact for a screening test and interview session. What, you think it's gonna be that easy? She doesn't just pick up any old joe from the street you know.


A bit ego, but a bit gratifying too.


And to all who are disappointed in love, I can now tell you that the best solution is to go rollerblading. Yes, rollerblading. After the teh session, I woke up this morning at an abominable time and without clocking enough hours of sleep. Damn internal clock. Putting in mind what jcsz said about throwing things behind me, I went for a morning blading session to take my mind off things a while.

Damn, it worked. After a while, you're too busy concentrating on keeping your balance, making turns and avoiding the crowd of people in the park to worry about anything else in your life. That's why blading is good therapy. It forces you to think about other stuff, mainly not slipping and falling on your butt big time.

Which incidentally is what happened to me. I lost my balance at one stage, my skates flew out from under me and I landed on my butt so hard, I felt the impact on my ass.

Then up my spine.

Then to my lower teeth.

Lower teeth chattered and hit upper teeth.

Impact from upper teeth travelled over skull.

From skull travelled down spine again.

Then to ass.

Where it become one hell of an ass-ache. Bloody, bloody hell. And all that happened within the space of half a second. I had to sit there in the middle of the path for a while, to get my bearings back again, and I realised how apathetic Singaporeans are, because I sat there for a few minutes, and like 3 or 4 people went by me, before a lady took pity on me, and asked me if I was all right. Geez.

But the fall was actually in a weird, sado-masochistic sense, good for me, because after the fall, I had to heave myself up on my skates again, and continue skating. And shouldn't life be like that? We fall, we hurt, but we still have to get up again and continue the ride. And what a ride it was. Once I got my sense of balance again, I was happily whizzing down the paths, feeling the wind in my face, and flying free again.

The secret of life in a pair of blades. Who'd've thunk? Forget all those expensive therapy bills and Valium pills. Invest in a good pair of skates, learn, and everytime you think life sucks, go out and blade. Trust me, it's good for you.

Though not necessarily for your ass.

Thanks for bearing with me till now. As a prize, here's something I saw on the Net about How Singapore May Have Been.

A Whoozy Week

Meow meow meow...

It's been a whoozy of a week this week. Seem to be meeting different pple every day:

Mon - CJC Lib with Matt and Jeff. ( See previous post on damaged light switch )

Tues - Dinner with Necroz in town. Much complaining about work, PMS-ing bosses and non-existent dragonflies.

Wed - Swimming date with Quet suddenly changed to shopping trip for her long overdue birthday present. Followed by...

Comedy night at Bar None

I happened to see an ad about this in the papers and since it was $10, asked Quet along for a go.

First off, BN's location is one of the shadiest-looking ones. You walk down the road between Scotts shopping centre and the Marriot and there's a sign that discreetly states its presence. Then you walk down a winding flight of stairs to the basement before you come to the bar itself. All they needed were the 2 red lanterns hanging at the entrance.

And because it was sponsored by Guinness, everything everywhere was guinness, guinness, guinness... and neither of us drank beer. Boink. Ended up ordering Absolut Sin n Absolut Stress, between the 2 of us. Some girl in a huge guinness hat also tried to "tneh" us to buy some Guinness cocktails. Sorry girl, the cutesy trick is lost on us. Try some other horny Caucasian.

The main act for the night was supposed to be the Canadian Improv Theatre. Now why I was interested in it, was that the concept seemed to be exactly like Whose Line Is It Anyway. A bunch of actors on stage, and acting out scenes on request from the audience. Hey that sounds cool, since I love WLIIA.

Unfortunately....

I dunno whether it was to do with the sound system there, or the actors themselves, but most of the jokes were just lost on me and Quet. Half the time, we were wondering what the games were about, and when they started talking, we couldn't even catch what they were saying. And when we did, we were like, "Huh? Was that funny?"

Damn. Let-down.

Thank goodness for Selena Tan's opening act on Sex in the Lion City. That was hilarious, and she had us red in the face, laughing like maniacs before the drinks even arrived. So essentially I guess we paid $10 to see a Selena Tan skit? Sigh... Time to leave...

Thurs - Indian buffet lunch with Jubilee14 and DoE at Excelsior.

I never even knew this place existed. It serves a vegetarian Indian buffet lunch and is located on the 2nd floor of the shopping area next to Excelsior Hotel. And the best part of this is?

You can pay any price you want.

No shit. Pay Your Own Price. For all the food you think you ate.

My first thought on hearing it was: "How the heck did they survive?" Well apparently they could. It seems to be run by some sort of Indian charity organization, so there's a slight guilt factor working here, ie if you don't pay fairly, someone won't have enough rice to eat. I think most of the proceeds go to charity or something, so that explains it.

Then all the food is vegetarian also. If you guys are wondering how is it I, a confirmed carnivore, managed to go for a vegetarian buffet and stand it, well they have the most amazing spiced potatoes! Mwahahahaha! Plus the naan and chappatti dipped in yoghurt sauce is really good! Mmmmm.......

The minus point of it was that with all that carbo loaded up in us, and the yoghurt lassi drinks as well, me and Jubilee14 were later walking around with boulders in our stomachs. Oh good god...... and we didn't even eat more than 2 servings each. I swear!

Atkins-ers, stay away.

Friday - Today! After I finish this post, I'm going back for a full reunion at the CJC library this time. No more damaged property this time I hope.

And incidentally, Prof Lye of Bizad Pub actually remembers my no. and called me up asking me to go for a reunion of Bizad marketing students. Considering that I'm close to like, none of them? Not going... Would rather go for tuition and earn some money. Hee.

Unfortunately, it also turns out that Prof Lye is now a financial planner hawking some unheard-of endowment plan and pushed me to meet him one day so that he could tell me all about it. Urgh. Despite me pushing him my best and most valid excuse ["I'm a tuition teacher, I earn $15 an hour, I sure as hell DON'T have enough money to invest in anything right now!"] he still insisted on meeting up. ["I know you definitely don't have the income to invest in this, but I think this is something I should tell you about."]

Groan. I forgot how pushy Prof could be when he really wants to accomplish something. Lesson learned: Never ask a financial planner to elaborate about their jobs.

So now I'm meeting him Mon to "talk" about this. This job was so made for him.

Last week I was whining about not having anything to do. This week my schedule suddenly piled up. Bleah. Is this called getting more than you reckoned for?

And I'm starting to realise that my memory could need some help. There have been several occassions where for eg, I planned to meet up with A on Mon, and then a week later, I tell B that Mon's fine to meet. Then later the horrible realization of my boo-boo strikes me, and I have to make frantic calls to re-schedule. Sorry, sorry, sorry to anyone affected......

It's not just about the books

Just yesterday I went down to the CJC library once again, with Matt, Jeff, and one of my great-grand-juniors. [unfortunately I forgot the name] Our year's library exco really should be given a long service award by CJC for coming back every year to visit and help out in the library. It's been 5 years since we graduated and we're still coming back to visit and help out. [though all visits mean that we will end up helping one way or another]

It's almost like going to NS for 2 years, and then coming back to camp every year for reservist, just that here we work in an air-conditioned environment and get the occassional curry chicken lunch in the lib. [well, of course we aren't gonna eat canteen food!]

This time me, Matt and Jeff ended up shifting these brown shelves all the way from behind the computer terminals, to a seminar room outside the library, that I didn't even know existed. To those that remember the layout of the CJC library, this means that we heaved them onto trolleys, pushed them through the staff-only area behind the counter, through the literature books, and then to this blue door at the corner of the library. Open the door, and there's a long corridor that goes all the way to a hidden seminar room. Then heave the shelves onto the floor, go back out and get another shelf.

There's a lot of muscle in Jeff's body that's probably aching like crazy right now.

And then when we were shifting a shelf, the thing nearly toppled over! First it nearly toppled onto me, but thankfully Matt was nearby to help me balance it back. [goddammit that shelf was heavy!] Then lately while we were pushing it through the door, the trolley sorta tripped on a crack on the floor and it fell against the wall! And when we put it back on the trolley again, we found out that it had smashed a light switch!

You know, I really thought those things were stronger than that...

So now Jeff has to buy a new cover for that light switch and screw it back on on Friday and hope Madam or Mrs Ng doesn't notice in the meantime. They're really particular about preserving things in a useful condition, [explains why they're librarian staff] even to the point of keeping old slides and even microfilm. I never even knew we still had microfilm in the library. All on subjects ranging from King Lear to Statistics and Probability. Good god. I tried to persuade them into throwing it away [who uses microfilm these days in school??] but they insisted on keeping it, and so hence the 3 of us had to shift these things to the seminar room along with the shelves. Damn.

Funny thing about us is that our 98/99 exco is the exco with the most number of people who are willing to come back and help out Madam and Mrs Ng. Wonder why it's just our exco. Previous excoes did visit but I don't think they came back for as many years as we did. Our juniors, faleron's batch, do come back, but not in the same numbers as us, and of Matt's batch, [our grand-juniors] only he ever bothers to come back.

The number of people joining the library has also decreased. My batch had about 18 people as librarians. This year the intake was only 8. Bleah. No wonder Madam [the Malay lady] had to call us back to help out. And with the ECA points needed for entry into Uni, it's no surprise. There isn't any competitions or stuff for you to earn extra points in the library society, so as an ECA advantage, it lags behind the sports and other societies. Not to mention the work and the hours you had to log in as well, and for a measly 2 ECA points out of 2 years in CJC.

I mentioned this to Jeff while we were sitting in the little library office, eating our KFC lunch. [yes, ex-librarians DO get the privilege of eating in the library.] I said that with the Uni entry requirements changing to put more importance on ECA points, most students would rather join a society that allowed them to earn as many points as possible in order to better their chances for Uni.

He frowned. "That's true, but..."

"But?"

"But joining an ECA isn't always about the points what. It's also about the people."

Such a simple, true statement. Somewhere along the lines, we forgot that the purpose of joining any new club or society was to "make new friends" and simply to enjoy yourself. ECAs weren't just another way of getting yourself into Uni. They were also a way for you to take a break from school, and hang out with a bunch of people with the same love and interests as yourself, and generally have a good time. And ironically, the fact that they look a bit more closely at your ECA record now has resulted in these objectives being thrown to the back, and made ECA just like another academic subject you had to pass.

I remember joining the library on a sort of whim, because I like books and I wanted to see what working in a library, surrounded by them, would be like. I never thought of getting into exco, I never thought of ECA points, I just did it for the sake of doing it. And the returns I got back were so much more than what I put in. Friends, [who bother to keep contact] memories, a lot of outings after graduation, BBQs, and curry chicken in the library.

Memories:
Of me voting Jeff for President, before I even knew who he was
Deb: Hey hey hey, let's all sabo Jeff and put his name down as President.
Me: Oh, ok. Later thinks: Who's Jeff?

Of me, continually at verbal swordpoint with Jeff, even to this very day.

Me fencing with DMT, kefling and whoever stood in my way, with the newspaper sticks we used for orientation games with the juniors.

Me and fid sitting at a computer, giggling at the atrocious fantasy story I was writing about the members of the exco, while Steven and DMT wondered what the heck we 2 girls were getting up to. [boy, that story was a bomb. Wonder what happened to it?]

How can you put a price to these kind of memories and experiences? How many points can you allocate to friendships and bonds? To even put a price on it, would be to cheapen them, and to make me into some kinda ECA-whore, getting points for the points alone.

What motivation theory was that, that said that if you let someone do something they like, they will happily do it without expecting payment. However, if you start to pay them for doing it, they will lose the motivation to do it? That theory could be all so true.

Oh wellz, to friends, memories, and many more curry chicken lunches in the library. ;)

I am Jell-O

Reading through Xiaxue's blog entry on Sat about guys preferring "shu nus" [chinese. Shu4 Nu3. I tink that's how it goes] struck a chord in me. Seeing her words, her ravings, minus [most of] the fucks...... those could have been my words. My thoughts. Although I donno if they would have been ravingly blurted out on a website like that, I recognise the sentiments behind them.

Quoted:
Because you know what? Gentle, sweet, irritatingly perfect "creme brulee" Cameron Diaz got the man instead of arrogent, confident "jell-o" Julia Roberts. And no matter what Roberts says about how her character is unique, distinct and true, she can jolly well fuck herself because the guy making love to Diaz (thats right, its the flighty nitwits), not her.
~Xiaxue

You hear the same advice repeated over and over from tons of different friends. There will be someone out there for you. Be patient. Wait and the goods will come to you. [and just as Xiaxue said, the advice mostly came from friends who were happily attached at the moment. No offence guys, but...] Well, I've waited 23 years [technically er, about 10 years, since I started puberty?] and I'm still single. For all my uniqueness, my distinctness, and my trueness, I'm still pretty wandering the earth by my lonesome.

The feeling is worse when you're around people, ironically, because it just highlights how by yourself you are. After Dragonfly and I parted on Sat and I went down to the Science Centre, this feeling struck me again.

Standing in the middle of a huge crowd of people, walking their own directions. Most of them with someone else. And everyone moves to avoid you, unconsciously, as if they barely noticed you, as if you were just a lamppost in the road.

Even when you stand in the middle of all of humanity, you manage to maintain a space, a boundary around you that no one feels compelled to enter.

And the one thing that managed to fly in, above the uncaring crowd, landed on your back, where you couldn't notice it, though you felt its presence. You know it's there, you want to make contact, but it remains perched on your back, and for reasons unknown, it refuses to move.

Not even to look face to face with you.

Melodramatic, yes. The sentiments have rubbed off on me. I'm going to escape up to my room now and lose myelf in a book.

Leastways that way I avoid having to think any more deeper about this.

On a happier sidenote, Carl Jensen's "I have seen the world begun" is a most engaging read. The book is a series of thoughts and essays that he wrote while travelling in China, Cambodia and Vietnam, and his viewpoint on things is... penetrating? Insightful? I donno how to describe it well. Just to say that he doesn't just describe the physical of what he sees, but also the thoughts, the ideas, the Soul behind the places and people he sees. [my methods of expression are really horrendous and lacking. this is what happens when you don't stimulate your mind. argh.] This is the kind of tourist-writer that I won't mind becoming.

That way I won't just go to a place and later proclaim "there's nothing to see". :p *friendly jibe*