What do we learn?

It's been a good long break since the last post, during which there were medical appointments and Chinese New Year preparations, so I've been busy, sorry! Now that everything is done and work is settling down, I finally found some time to do a simple book cover with a greeting card.

The process of doing this is easy enough because all you really have to do is wrap the greeting card with a cover paper of your choice, so while I was making it, I had time to do some musings over the whole idea of crafting.

This particular occasion, I remembered a line I heard a parent say to a child over the taking up of music in school:

"You don't pursue music all the way unless you want to become a musician. If you don't, then there's no point in pursuing it in school to this extent."

That made me a little sad. We don't pursue a craft just to earn money from it, surely. Yes, it would be great if we did and we could live off what we loved. But, even if we don't get to, even if we have to keep our 9-5 jobs, does that necessarily mean there is no use for the craft that we love to do? 

(Here when I write craft, I refer to a interest that we work at for a sustained period of time in order to gain mastery of it. This could include art, craft, playing an instrument, photography, writing etc...)

What then, do we take away from our craft? Do we do it so that one day we could quit our 9-5 jobs? Do we do it just for the end product, to have something pretty to hold in our hands? To have something useful that will serve a meaningful purpose in our lives? 

Then what do we gain when we don't achieve what we set out to do? When we fail at it? When we don't make money or a living out of it? Does that mean our craft becomes useless or hopeless?

Think of your craft then not in terms of the material products it produces. Think in terms of the values and skills you learn and then it becomes clearer.

Real life example: When I volunteered for the violin recital, many people thought I was nuts. Even on the day of the recital, after all the practice I did, I still played nearly half the song off key. It would seem like a total bomb, but I still took away several lessons from my recital attempt:

Persistence - To keep trying even when our first attempts bomb. I thought I knew what persistence meant till I volunteered for this and to my horror realized at the start how far out of my depth I was. I had to keep practising and practising to reach a semi-acceptable level and then I realized what real persistence meant. 

Mindfulness - To reflect on our mistakes, think of what went wrong and what to do about it in the future. Mindless practising would have seen me playing the song wrongly a hundred times a day. I have to learn deliberate practice, in which after each attempt, I thought about the parts that went wrong and concentrated on making those parts right before going on to the rest of the song. Each time I practised, I had to keep a mindful eye (or ear) out for those parts to make sure I got them right.

Ability to withstand failure - To stand with grace under pressure even amidst total failure. When I finished the recital piece, I knew it wasn't good. But more importantly, I learnt that it was ok that it wasn't good. Life still went on, my family and friends were still around me and I could still continue playing the violin (badly). Whether the rest of the audience thought it was good or not didn't matter because they were so temporary in my life, which would go on even long after they had forgotten my performance.

When I looked at my violin playing this way, then it didn't really matter how well or how badly I played. I still learnt and continued to learn these lessons, which would follow me in other areas of life. And when I looked at the rest of the crafts that I pursued, I could see other values that I had learnt:

Meticulousness - To be exact and deliberate in your activities. My first few crafting and painting attempts were very haphazardly done and it showed. Paper stuck out at the wrong angles, paint jobs were done poorly and I felt it was because I tended to rush through my actions without thought for measurement or precision. Now this works well in some instances, but since I wanted a finished job that looked close to professional, I had to learn to be more meticulous and precise in what I did. Now when I make a new journal, I have learnt to be more exact in the way I cut and paste the paper and I'm a lot more proud of the products I produce. 

Patience and self-forgiveness - Things will still go wrong, no matter how hard or often you try. Songs will still be played wrongly, paint will be applied wrongly, paper will be cut or pasted wrongly. At times like this, when I want to throw everything into the rubbish chute in despair, I learn to tell myself to cool down and more importantly, forgive myself for my mistakes. It's ok to make these kind of mistakes and there's always a way to bounce back from them if we are willing to learn. That's important because I also learnt to apply this when I mess up in other areas, like work and tell myself it's ok in the long run, I will bounce back. 

So maybe in a way, this is a practice for when my own child faces the same reactions when he wants to pursue his own craft. There will be people who will tell him there's no use or money in it and that he's better off pursuing his career or his job. When they do, I hope I will remember this blog entry so that someone will tell him, "No, there is purpose, life and love in doing what we love and this is how I learnt it."

Make Useful Stuff

Following up from the last post about how Creative Output must = Material Input, I managed to do a few more little projects with my junk, er, creative supplies. I happily cut and pasted to make some more art journal pages to my satisfaction. Then I wondered why did some of these make me feel so contented? Well, one reason of course is that I was starting to make some pages which I felt happy looking at. I liked the messages that I was writing and I liked the way it turned out so nicely.

This brought me to another thought, that when we make something creative, we should also

MAKE USEFUL STUFF

Now, some would interpret this as "It has to serve a practical purpose" but my definition is a bit wider than that. How would you know if something is useful? Ask yourself the following:

👍 Is what you made useful? Does it help you to do something or achieve a goal? 

One example of this would be the pen holders I made from old film cans. I needed something to hold small pens and the holders fit that purpose perfectly. It helped me to achieve the goals of organizing my desk, and being creative.

👍 Does it make you feel good, or 'spark joy' like what Marie Kondo describes in her book? Here as examples are 2 old art journal pages I did. They don't have any practical purpose. They don't act as storage, they're too big to use as bookmarks and too light as paperweights. I can't even write on them because they're no longer blank. Yet when I look at them, they remind me of important messages that I should carry through life. One is the obvious message that they carry and the other is that I am capable of making beautiful pieces if I just try. Certainly, when I look at them, they 'spark joy' in me. 

👍 Does it teach you something? Do you learn something out of it? This is one of my first attempts with watercolour painting:  

You can tell it's not good at all and you find any redeeming feature in it, you are a good, kind friend and I thank you. By all appearances, this particular painting does not serve any practical purpose. There's no inspirational message and in fact, it's kind of gloomy. Plus the technique really sucks.

But it did lead on to a later piece, which is this:

This is still not a fine piece of art but isn't it miles above the first in technique? That's the useful purpose of the first piece, not as a piece of art on its own, but as a stepping stone to a better piece. 

It was hard to grasp that some of the uglier stuff I did early on could serve any useful purpose at all. At times, it seemed impossible with the skills I had then that I could produce anything marginally useful. The key for me was not to dismiss my early attempts as proof that I totally sucked, but to see them as small steps to a bigger thing. Then it was easier to continue, because I saw myself en route to bigger things. 

This can be hard. Especially when you are faced with the shrapnel of all your failed attempts and a trash bin full of paper, the inspirational quotations about learning 99 ways how not to build a light bulb seem pretty shallow. Be kind to yourself and accept your own shortfalls and failures. Even if you don't churn out anything remotely useful or beautiful at the end of your life, you still would have learnt something you didn't before. That also makes it useful. 😉

Creative Output must equal Material Input

Today, I started on one of my Big Hairy Audacious Goals, which was to clear and organize the journals on my table. This was an important and urgent goal, because

1. They were a disaster waiting to happen. 
The journals were in a precarious pile on the table and every time someone breathed near them, an avalanche occurred.
2. They were not in a convenient location. 
I wanted them arranged in a more accessible way that made sense for me. They were arranged in a huge stack on top of one another, and that certainly made it 'convenient' when the one I wanted happened to be, oh, right at the bottom.
3. They were mixed up with too much other junk. 
There were other stuff mixed up with the journals which I was not using. This included stationery, stickers, random pieces of paper, name cards, other homemade journals... 

All combined, the pile was long overdue for a decluttering a la Marie Kondo. As I started to clear the pile, I uncovered even more bits of paper and trash, resulting in another small scrap heap that I had to clear other than the journals. 😖 Some were easy, like outdated insurance letters dating back from 2008. Some were more difficult, like Christmas cards from close friends. *sigh*

One thing became clear though: My creative output was not equal to the material input that I had accumulated. For all the paper, stickers and junk I had kept, how much of it had actually turned into actual artwork? I had kept a lot of paper, thinking "This would come in handy if I wanted to...*insert craft project here*" but for work or some reason or another, I never got around to doing it and the materials just stayed there. Or I would buy new materials, thinking "I can use this if I... *insert new craft idea here*" but again, the materials stayed there. 

Even the things I used were also existing in surplus. I did more journalling in 2016 so I told myself I would allow myself to use whatever I had bought, without fear of failure. I wrote on my nice notepads, I tore things out of my Flow Book for Paper Lovers, I shrugged away the numerous mistakes I made, resolving to be more careful the next time, I gleefully tore out metres and metres of washi tape. 

And I still had tons of those materials. 😱 The things in my room seem like a neverending black hole of paper, washi tape and stickers. Made even worse by my seemingly bright idea to do a couple of projects with junk paper, which meant that I had also accumulated a small stack of junk paper from work...... 

I think I'm not the only person this has happened to. How many times have we bought something with good intentions, thinking that it will come in handy, or that it will help us to achieve some goal? Hands up all the guilty ones who have books unread (me), paints unused (me), clothes unworn, exercise equipment being used as clothes hangers and other things bought with good intentions in January only to be covered in dust by March. 

For me, the bottom line is clear. I bought these supplies to be creative, so be creative I must. That is,

my CREATIVE OUTPUT must = my MATERIAL INPUT

Everything I have now must be used, used and used even for what seems like the most frivolous of reasons. It doesn't matter even if I don't churn out the Mona Lisa from my supplies, what matters is that I use them to the best of my abilities and use them to improve my creative skills in whatever way possible. That also means that I will make mistakes and end up chucking away some hard-earned material. Take it as a lesson learned rather than a wasted failure. 

The funny thing is that during this month when I was doing that, somehow I started to improve in small ways. My brush lettering improved because I now had oodles of junk paper to practise on. My journalling started to look better when I used my coloured markers to write with and my washi tape and stickers to decorate. I even found some of my markers running out of ink, which was sad yet gratifying at the same time. 

So if there's one thing you have to remember:

This can be found on my Instagram (@khelath) 

We are not put on this earth to buy and accumulate things. We are meant to DO things. So if there's something around you that's accumulating, (like my craft materials) ask yourself why, and just DO something with it to get started. We are not buyers of life, we are DOERS. 

Personal Thoughts

I realize it’s been a while since I last blogged and maybe some of you are thinking of calling the blog police to make a Missing Bloggers Report (Ha, I only hope!) so I thought of doing a Personal Thoughts entry as an update.

It’s the end of February 2017 and I’ve been on leave the past 2 weeks at home, waiting for the birth of my first baby! After all the walking around at work, it was a relief to finally stay at home and relax before baby comes out and creates a new round of havoc.

I enjoyed the first 3 days of leave just slacking around, doing some art journaling, reading, watching TV… and then I got bored.

You see, it is relaxing having no obligations or deadlines to meet, but after a while, life becomes very aimless. I felt like I was just floating around without a purpose, other than waiting around for baby to be born. I also felt like this was a waste of my precious leave.

So I took out the To-Do lists again and started giving myself some aims. I didn’t want to make my whole life full of deadlines again but I could commit to doing some ‘work’ in the morning and then keep myself busy in the afternoon with art or photography projects. In that way, I could also write enough articles to keep the blog alive even after baby came out.

Now I realize I made myself into something like a freelance writer. -_-!! I can’t complain that it’s a bad life, seeing that I wake up at any time I feel like and I’m actively doing something I’m good at, but most of all, I appreciate the sense of purpose it gives me. That now, instead of my identity revolving solely around being a mummy, I also have other things in life to work and develop towards. Treat it as a kind of school holiday, I guess.

And what happens when baby comes? Well, then I switch to taking care of him then. Just like during the school holidays, I also have to understand that this period of freelance writing is temporary. I’m not in it to make money or build a career (though it would be a bonus if I did!) but rather to create a sense of purpose and identity. To help me see myself as a more rounded person, more than just being a teacher or a mother.

Whether this continues or not still remains to be seen. But after all, this blog has seen a few years’ hiatus and has weathered it through to be better in the end. I may take it up again after I have kids or I may end up neglecting it until the kids get married and I have Empty Nest Syndrome -_-!! More importantly, for now, I feel I’m working towards something and even if I leave it aside, I have something else waiting for me to take up again later in life.

Starting Afresh...

First off, Happy New Year 2017, with all its bright hopes! 

I'm proud that I managed to revive this blog as much as I did in 2016. (Every blog post is an hour I didn't spend watching more TV!) 

I know that traditionally, this is the time to be setting NY resolutions, ie, to blog more, to write more, to do more. Usually that is what I would have done as well, but considering that next year is full of flux with the baby coming, I thought I would do something a bit different.

The journal on the left is one that I kept from 2015-early 2016. I'm opening it again for 2017 because I still have some pages left in it that I would like to fill up, maybe with simple reflections about each day. 

The pages on the right are another story. They are a mix of pages that I did in 2015. Some, like the one on top, are project ideas that I had. Some were weekly diary entries for 2015 and I decided to make a fresh start by discarding them.

Other pages in the pile carry heavier meaning. See, 2015 was a pretty bad year for me, work-wise. I had a lot of frustrations and setbacks at work and at times when it all got too bad for me, I journalled them down. So in that pile are also pages with a lot of negativity. 

2016 became a little better because some of the things dragging me down were taken off and also, I became a bit more mindful and organized so I could be a little more chill about work. When I opened the journal and looked at those pages though, the unhappiness in those words became fresh in my mind again. 

As I read through them, I thought, Do I want to carry these around with me? 

I decided not. I ripped out the pages and tossed them. 

In life, there are lessons that we learn that we can carry through life. Those lessons we can carry with us as we live. Bad memories and emotions, however, are a different thing. They drag us down with their negativity and make us relive them over and over again. They keep us in the past instead of carrying us on to the future. 

In this way, I suppose, I'm carrying out the opposite of a resolution. Instead of making plans to step into a bold new future, I'm tossing and burning the past behind so that it doesn't follow me anymore. I'm still not sure enough about the future to make plans or resolutions but I am certain enough about my power over my past, to make sure it doesn't haunt me any longer. And I guess that's as good a start as any. 

So Happy New Year everyone, may you start the year afresh and leave it all behind. 

Reflections on December and 2016

It being the second last day of 2016, it's now or never that I finally get to writing my reflections, I guess. Like any other year, there has been ups and downs and sometimes, things start to look better in retrospect.

Family Life

After a couple of years of trying, I'm finally going to have a baby! I was pretty down in the first half of the year when the first try didn't work out but later on, it did and now I'm expecting to pop in March! I would admit that I have had slightly mixed feelings, loss of personal freedoms vs family life after hearing from so many people about how "it changes your whole life". 

But then I realized a couple of things from some mothers I follow on social media:

1. There are a lot of mothers who have continued doing what they love while having children. I follow a couple of bloggers and Instagrammers who do great writing and art and I used to think they could only do all these because they were childless. I was slightly surprised when I read that some of them had kids, 2 or more in some cases! And they could still update their blog or Instagram account or run their businesses on a regular basis! This taught me that passion helps you find a way. I may have to cut back on some personal goals (no more recitals!) or become a scheduling wizard as long as I can find some small way to do what I love. Which leads me to the next...

2. Be kind to yourself. It's ok if I screw up. It's ok if I don't reach my goals. It's ok if I don't write a new e-book every month, play the violin at Carnegie Hall, become an award-winning artist, become a famous blogger, speak fluently in French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese, raise a successful kid who can do all the above and more, and maintain a full-time job. Even if I make small steps towards just one of my goals, it's ok. No one is judging me except myself and mistakes are acceptable for anyone who is not perfect. (Preferably my mistakes should not involve death or injury though...)

3. For all the complaints I read from new mothers, no one has ever wished they never had their child. And you do hear plenty of complaints, from leaky diapers to full out explosions, screaming tantrums, nights in the hospital. Despite all this, I've not read about a single mother who would give up her child to take back her single life. This gives me hope, that while there will be plenty of crap to clean up, in the end, it's not a rose-coloured vision that everything really does work out in the end. 

So I'm going to follow no.2 when it comes to my kid and take it easy on myself and my future child. He may not become the next President's Scholar but as long as he turns out to be a kind, wise human being, (not a serial killer) that would be all I would ask for.

Blogging Life

Looking back at the posts from January till now, I'm pretty proud that I managed to revive my old blog and I did a lot more writing than I thought I was capable of. This is something new I've learned about myself. Funny thing is that I always thought I had a flair for art more than writing because I was such a visually-oriented person, but in the process of writing, I learned that actually I had more of a flair for writing. Given the right prompts, the ideas flowed more easily on the keyboard than on the drawing pad. 

I'm a bit hesitant to make plans for 2017 because of the kid coming but if there's one thing, I would like to continue blogging as much as I can. The focus may change and I may write a lot more about life with a baby, but I would still want to keep this blog alive to remind me of the writing I completed in 2016 and to spur me on to other creative projects in the future. 

Creative Life

I'm also pretty proud that I dabbled a lot more creatively this year. I did a lot more journalling and in December, I even managed to organize some material into my own e-book. I also managed to do some watercolour painting and make some journals. I also take pride in performing on stage in my first violin recital! Although I played terribly off-key, (-_-!) I take pride in actually mustering the guts to go up and do it, something I'm not sure many 5-month pregnant ladies can claim to do! In some months, I also managed to up my French by learning some grammar. I probably can't order a cup of water in France, but it's still a bit of progress from knowing nothing to knowing something.

When you read the paragraph above, it all seems pretty random but I've come to accept that that's the kind of person I am. I like a certain degree of novelty and variety so I tried several different things each month. What worked for me was listing down all the activities I wanted to try and then making some goals each month, plus making myself accountable by blogging as much as I could about the steps I made. Being a Jack of all trades seems to work better for me than being a Master of one. 

(These techniques I learned from 7 habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey and Better than Before by Gretchen Rubin.)

I also read, read and read. I had a personal goal at the start of the year to read at least one non-fiction book each month, which according to my Goodreads account, I've achieved, so yay! I didn't hit the upgraded goal I set for myself, which was 48 books, but on average, I've completed 3 books each month. I think with the baby, this could be the easier goal for me to reach next year......

With all I've done this year, I think in 2017, I would take a creative break and concentrate on how to take care of my kid. I might still do some light reading and a little bit of doodling here and there but I also think it's prudent that I don't set major goals for myself until I've settled the domestic arrangements with my in-laws and my kid. I also suspect that I may have to resume my fitness goals next year to lose all the postnatal weight! So in 2017, the focus here might be to take it easy and do it for fun till family life becomes more stable. 

In a nutshell...

I guess 2016 wasn't too bad and in retrospect, some of the things that seemed really bad at the time now look very far away. I suppose with distance and reflection, life on the whole really has a lot that we can be grateful for if we choose to see it that way. If there's anything to hope for in 2017, I can only hope that by December 2017, I can look back and see all the good stuff and be filled with the same hope for 2018! Happy new year, everyone and here's to a great 2017! 

Reflections for November

A photo posted by Aki Tan (@khelath) on Nov 18, 2016 at 7:08pm PST

A little art journalling for myself today, to congratulate the fact that I made it through another school year! 

I still have a kind of nagging feeling that somehow I lost 2 months of my life because of the hectic exam season, but I'm still glad that I got through it *relatively* smoothly somehow. I guess there are just some points in one's life where life events just derail you and somehow you have to find a way to get yourself back on track with your own mission in life once again.

That's how I feel, now that the holidays have started. I feel like this is the point where I'm slowly building my life back on track again. Compared to previous years, I would say it's better because at least this time I managed to recognize the signs earlier, where in previous years, everything just seemed to fly off the rails until December -_-!!! This year I managed to recognize the signs in October and I started doing some journalling and blogging to feel 'human' again. 

What I learned from this is that reflection and recognition are important. Keeping a personal journal and calendar helped, because seeing all those blank spaces where things are supposed to be done reminded me that nothing was being done! I don't know how possible this is yet with baby on the way next year, but that might lead to the next thing I learnt, which is to...

Always be kind to yourself. It's normal and natural that things in life get in the way of, well, life. We cannot always control the curveballs that come at us and it's only normal that dreams have to be put away for a period of time while we deal with them. For me, it was exam season, because I had to make sure that I revised all the work with the kids. Then it was pregnancy and the feelings of fatigue I had during the first trimester. What is important after this, then, is to...

Climb back whenever you can. I'm hoping to snatch pockets of time during my maternity where I can do a little bit of journalling and reading because these are the most convenient to climb back to, given that the materials and books are all in my possession. Other activities that take up more time, like the violin, the piano, language learning, I would have to wait till I see what baby's schedule is like, before I can plan again how to slot them in. I definitely won't be able to spend the same amount of time on them the way I did during my 2 months of leave, but I still hope to make whatever progress I can. 

I'm guessing there will still be people out there, who will either tell me this is not possible, or that this is wrong because I should be spending all my waking time on my baby. To the first, nobody will know if it's possible yet if it has not been attempted. To the second, if it works for you, fine. It doesn't work for me because I am a whole person who is not defined solely by one aspect of her life. I am not just a mother, I am a person with loves, hates, fears, joys and I want my son to grow up to the same and I know no other mother who is not the same. So let me try living life my way while I let you go your way. My successes and failures will be my own.

Here's to the holidays then! I'm glad of the life I've revived into this blog this year and hopefully there will be more to come!

How to Take Restful Breaks #outofthepagesiread

For #outofthepagesiread this time, I'm reviewing an online article I read from 99u.com. This article was about how to take truly restful breaks from work that would truly energize you instead of making you more tired.

The headline appealed to me at once because I'm reaching a kind of peak point at work. At this time of the year, the marking peaks and I end up having to bring more work home to finish. This on top of the admin stuff as well. 

So what the article advocates is pretty surprising. Most people would think that in such a scenario, faced with looming piles of paper, one just has to buckle up and get everything done in one sitting in order to enjoy later. However, research found that this method would wreck the most psychological damage on you. A quote from the article reads:

"The psychological reality is that your mental and physical reserves are limited and it is only by taking frequent short breaks of a truly restful nature that you will fulfil your true potential."

Thinking back on how I handled large piles of marking, I find that this could be true in several ways. One, stress accumulates from sitting down for long periods marking or doing work, especially with the number of mistakes found. -_-!!! Two, after a long period of work, I find myself too tired to do other activities that would otherwise enrich me. Who has not felt too tired to go to the gym after a long day at work? Or ended up sitting on the couch potato-ing in front of the television? In the end, even after getting the work done (or in worse cases, the work may not even be finished yet!) you find that you have not really accomplished anything you wanted in life. 

The article recommends several ways to get around this:

1. Fully switch off
2. Take frequent short breaks from work
3. Get out of the office

I tried no.2 when I was marking at home and it does help. After marking around 10 or so worksheets, I would get up from my desk to go to the toilet, get a glass of juice, talk to husband. Sometimes, I worked on my diary project. I found that after I finished marking, I was less tired and lethargic. (Could have been the effect of the juice...) 

I have also tried no.3 on some occasions when I brought papers out of school to mark at my favourite cafe. The change of environment works too and I was less stressed by the mistakes I marked. Not only that but being in a different environment also meant that I could look forward to walking around or shopping after I was done, a good motivation to finish the work! 

Funny thing about work is that our society always seems to give the message that to be crazily busy is an honourable thing. It is a badge of honour to be able to tell people you are busy. If you don't believe me, next time you are around people, try telling them about taking breaks and long weekends doing nothing. You will probably be met with replies like "Oh, but I'm so busy..." 

But in the end, where does it lead? Long lists of unfulfilled dreams, places to go, things to try. I always think, would I really regret on my dying bed that I didn't spend more time at work? (If I got fired, maybe I would...) Or would I regret that I didn't travel, didn't learn new instruments, languages, new skills...?

It is an interesting article with points to make one think. I highly recommend it for those who feel they come home too tired from work every day.

You can read the full article here.

Want to read other similar articles? I recommend this writer's website. She also has a mailing list that I subscribe to:

Jocelyn K Glei

Reflections on July

It's with a mild sense of panic that I realize that we are officially in the 2nd half of the year. What have I done?? What have I accomplished? How am I going to do all the other stuff I wanted to do????

Last month onto this, I got hit off the tracks when I went off on holiday and I came back to a flurry of work. This has happened many times before, when I went overseas or took a long break and not just on my personal goals, but at work as well. Suddenly I forgot how to write my to-do lists, how to remember my deadlines, how to set goals for myself and then everything rushes in together.

So mid-August is a good time to take a quick stock check. Where am I with my goals? What did I accomplish? How did I do it? What did I fail in? Why did I fail? How can I set myself up to pass next time?

My goals for July were: 

Photography: To read up on Daido Moriyama
I found this hard at first because books on Daido Moriyama were crazily hard to find. I thought I would be able to buy a good book on him and read it at my leisure, but then I couldn't find any good (or affordable) photo book or biography anywhere in the major bookstores! A photobook seller in Peninsula finally told me that was the case with his books and that the same situation existed in Japan, where his books are primarily sold. -_-!!! 

Finally though, I hit paydirt at the National Library - I found Tales of Tono, Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog.

Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog were only available in the reference section, so I couldn't borrow them out. I had to make special trips to Victoria Street to read them, which made them more troublesome and at the same time, more fascinating. (Why some books end up in the reference section, I don't know) The more I read about him, the more fascinated I became with him as a photographer since I identified with certain parts of his philosophy towards photography.

But... that's a subject for another blog post. Let me write up my notes into something coherent first. :p

So I would say in this goal I was fairly successful. I managed to find the books though reading them was quite troublesome. I also learned quite a bit as well.

Next step to levelling up? Getting my essay done... (sigh)

Violin: To practise at least twice a week - COMPLETE FAIL

This goal is one I continuously set for myself and continuously fail at. Every month that I tell myself to practise, to practise, the violin stays neglected in its case and next thing I know, it's time for lesson/practice time again. -_-!!! 

So let's take a good hard look at meself: Why am I failing at this?

I'm restricting myself to practising in the afternoon. I keep telling myself to practise in the afternoon because I'm worried about neighbours complaining if I practise at 8-9pm. Which means, if I'm stuck at work till late, I end up not practising at all if I return home after dinner. Would my neighbours really raise their pitchforks if I practised at 8, after dinner and yet when people are not going to bed yet? I don't know because I never tried, having spent most of that time watching TV while eating dinner. -_-!!! 

And then at night, there's always other stuff to do...... Easier stuff like reading or painting that doesn't require the same amount of effort as the violin. So I always take the easy way out for myself.

Terrible. It's like wanting to lose weight but eating another chicken burger. I keep telling myself I want to be a good violin player but I fail to put in the practice needed.

The solution for this is easy in principle, yet another matter in practice. I need to set practice days and times (which I have been doing) and actually set about to doing it, never mind fatigue or complaints (which I have NOT been doing).

Watercolour: To paint at least 2 pieces in watercolour.

This goal I managed because I was so lousy with keeping the one about the violin practice. :D I did a few pieces and here are the 3 better ones:

                                          

The one I'm most proud of is of course, the 3rd one, and this is one goal I felt I showed the most progress in the least amount of time and the one I enjoyed the most. 


There were several things that made this goal easier to accomplish. One, paint and brush were always within easy reach on my table. All I really had to do was plonk my butt on my chair and open them up to start. This also made them a good destresser from work as well. Compare this to having to heft my violin up and stand for the entire time I practise......

Also, having a reference book helped. That way, I didn't have to think of what to practise. I just opened to the last page I stopped at and did whatever was on that page. Again, a good remedy for a hard day at work.

Lastly, I also think that the artwork was a strong visible motivator. Once the painting was done, it was an obvious indicator of my effort and progress and one that could be looked at again and again for inspiration. Whereas with violin playing, I couldn't tell whether my pitch really was improving or not.

All in all, no wonder I found more fun in reaching the art goal.......

Still, they are things to consider if I want to become a good violin player. So with those in mind, my goals in August are:

French - To refresh what I learned and complete at least 2 more chapters
Writing - To work on the text for my book idea
Violin - Once again.........

Wish me luck!      

Small Changes

#outofthepagesiread

One magazine I love buying is Flow magazine. Published by 2 Dutch ladies and translated into English, it has articles on simple living, features on creative artists and comes with beautiful paper goodies, yay :) 

The current issue has an article on small changes that spoke to me.

Many people have big dreams stemming from current dissatisfactions. When we are dissatisfied with our house, job or partner, we make big dreams for ourselves in which we shed off all vestiges of our previous life and start afresh. So we might sell the house and move to a hut in Bali, or break up with the partner and move to France to find a new lover. 

Of course, once I read this, I immediately saw myself in it. Because every time I face a tough time at work, or I find myself dragged out of bed before dawn, I wish that I was doing something different. I wish that I was running my own art school, or writing books or just being a jobless bum at home. 

Whether such solutions solve my problems or not does not feature in my fantasy, of course. That's the point of a fantasy after all, to make you feel better by letting you dream. 

The article gives a different idea: that you don't have to take such big steps to making yourself happy and that small steps can be enough. Not everyone can afford drastic steps in their life, or should either. While I don't like the responsibilities that come with my job, I also appreciate very much that the monthly paycheck pays for my house and food while letting me save towards the future! That is not something I might easily get should I decide to quit and write a book!

The dream image though may represent a certain longing that is not being satisfied in your current life. According to the Self-Determination Theory, there are 3 basic needs to be fulfilled to make yourself happier. They are:

1. Autonomy - The need to do it your own way
2. Relatedness - the need to feel connected to other people
3. Competence - the need to do something you are good at

Taking the example of my own life, why is it then I feel dissatisfied at my job? First, the autonomy needs are not met, because much of what I do with the kids are determined by others. The competence needs are not met, because the job requires much planning and meticulousness that I struggle with. And it being a big place, my relatedness needs are not met as well either.

This is also why quitting it all to work on creative pursuits also seems more appealing. I get to do things my own way, paint what I want, write what I want (autonomy). I can meet other likeminded people who share the same creative dreams (relatedness). I can do something I feel I am good at (competence). 

But I don't always have to quit it all in order to pursue these needs. Small changes can also be taken as well. I already pursue the competence need by writing and painting in my free time. I pursue the relatedness need by meeting with friends and blogging and posting photos on Instagram. 

The autonomy needs... ah, that's a tougher nut to crack. There are commitments of time here that need to be fulfilled. I can meet this sometimes by taking the afternoon off to go on a photowalk, for example, but it's not something I can do every day. 

Here, the article talks about thinking in terms of solutions. Rather than paying attention to what's wrong with my life, what can I do then to make it right?

The example given is that of a big miracle. Imagine a big miracle happened and I don't have to work any more. What would I do? 

Well, I can imagine long afternoons reading at the library, painting at home or exploring the town with my camera. 

Do I necessarily need to quit my job to do this? Actually, I don't. I can spend some afternoons doing these, but planning is required. I would need to plan in advance which days I can get away with leaving the marking at the desk or having nothing at all. Or maybe even play hooky sometimes, hehe. 

So there is a solution. The solution is to plan the days I want to do this and then make sure nothing in my afternoon interferes with this plan. And it is a solution that allows me to keep my job and my salary. 

My thoughts on this article is that it is a bit simplistic and optimistic at the same time. Simplistic because it's not as if a solution can be found to all of every one's problems. I'm lucky enough because I still have flexibility when it comes to my afternoons, but not everyone who is stuck working 9-5 has the same luck.

But yet, optimistic because it tells you that it is possible to find happiness in the littlest of things. It's not always that you have to make drastic changes to find happiness but if you are aware of what makes you happy, you can make small changes to work towards that happiness. It's something that I try to carry out on a weekly basis and I do see an overall increase in happiness when I did so. 

Here are the small steps to do the same:

1. Identify the needs you are lacking. Autonomy, relatedness or competence? Look at your big dream. What is it about it that appeals to you?
2. Create spaces to fulfill those needs in your life. Where can you make time for it? What steps would you need to take?
3. Think in terms of solutions, not problems. It's about what you can do, not how much it sucks.
(adapted from Flow magazine, Issue 14)