Finally, some downtime...

My friends would know that the reason why this blog has been quiet a while was because of a major life-changing event. This was the birth of my first child, whom I have nicknamed #hamstercheeks for the Internet. 

Everything they have ever said about how much it changes your life has turned out to be true in some ways and not in others. It is true that I paid a lot more attention to what I did and ate just before and mostly after birth, because of breastfeeding. It is also true what they say about Mummy-brains. Maternal instincts kicked in strongly and I was Googling websites like Baby Center and What to Expect for all kinds of baby info, much to the consternation of my husband. (I have been dubbed Tigress Mum for that matter)

It is also true that there no such thing as a Super First Time New Mother. I learned this the hard way after the confinement nanny left and was giving myself all sorts of mental breakdowns thinking of the work that had to be done to keep Hamstercheeks alive, clean and healthy. I also learned the hard way that there is no shame in shamelessly asking for help whenever you need it. I do not need to compare yourself to others nor care about their opinions. 

So making decisions now boils down to answering 2 questions:
1. What is good for #hamstercheek?
2. What is good for me?

For example, take the hiring of a maid. I had all kinds of doubts and questions about hiring a maid at first but it turns out some very major ones had to do with what I thought of myself and what others would think of me. Am I a weaker, less capable person for hiring a maid to do things that I could do myself? Would others think I was a weaker, less capable person for doing so? 

In the end, I decided the mental breakdown and physical exhaustion was not worth it. One, yes, I am a weaker person because I am not SuperMom and nobody is. I cannot simultaneously hold multiple roles of Mother, Wife, Cleaner and Person all at the same time and it is not to mine or my child's benefit if I play a lesser part in each role. So chuck out the role of Household Cleaner and outsource it. 

And in a funny way, once I accepted that I was not SuperMom and that I (like every New Mother) needed help, the universe went out of its way to give it to me. A maid arrived in record timing and so far has turned out to be a good learner with a pleasant personality and also able to handle the baby much more patiently than me. The grandmothers adored their new grandson to bits and were quick to take on babysitting duties. So in fact that week after the nanny left was a relatively painless one since most of the work was done by Grammie and maid. 

Was the move good for #hamstercheeks? I think it did him no harm to be spoiled by Grammie for a week. Also, he can now count on always having clean laundry and bedding thanks to the maid. Was it good for me? I would think so, since now I can focus on his cries for food and attention without fretting that the house would fall apart. Also it's good to have some company in the house other than the baby. 

We do have our good times and our bad ones. On good ones, I find myself able to read, write and watch TV in relative peace and quiet, and even blog a lengthy entry. On bad ones, his cries drive me bonkers and the husband will return from work to find me almost in tears. And since this is a good time, I can say, well, that's life with a baby. Or rather, that's just life. :) 

Starting Afresh...

First off, Happy New Year 2017, with all its bright hopes! 

I'm proud that I managed to revive this blog as much as I did in 2016. (Every blog post is an hour I didn't spend watching more TV!) 

I know that traditionally, this is the time to be setting NY resolutions, ie, to blog more, to write more, to do more. Usually that is what I would have done as well, but considering that next year is full of flux with the baby coming, I thought I would do something a bit different.

The journal on the left is one that I kept from 2015-early 2016. I'm opening it again for 2017 because I still have some pages left in it that I would like to fill up, maybe with simple reflections about each day. 

The pages on the right are another story. They are a mix of pages that I did in 2015. Some, like the one on top, are project ideas that I had. Some were weekly diary entries for 2015 and I decided to make a fresh start by discarding them.

Other pages in the pile carry heavier meaning. See, 2015 was a pretty bad year for me, work-wise. I had a lot of frustrations and setbacks at work and at times when it all got too bad for me, I journalled them down. So in that pile are also pages with a lot of negativity. 

2016 became a little better because some of the things dragging me down were taken off and also, I became a bit more mindful and organized so I could be a little more chill about work. When I opened the journal and looked at those pages though, the unhappiness in those words became fresh in my mind again. 

As I read through them, I thought, Do I want to carry these around with me? 

I decided not. I ripped out the pages and tossed them. 

In life, there are lessons that we learn that we can carry through life. Those lessons we can carry with us as we live. Bad memories and emotions, however, are a different thing. They drag us down with their negativity and make us relive them over and over again. They keep us in the past instead of carrying us on to the future. 

In this way, I suppose, I'm carrying out the opposite of a resolution. Instead of making plans to step into a bold new future, I'm tossing and burning the past behind so that it doesn't follow me anymore. I'm still not sure enough about the future to make plans or resolutions but I am certain enough about my power over my past, to make sure it doesn't haunt me any longer. And I guess that's as good a start as any. 

So Happy New Year everyone, may you start the year afresh and leave it all behind. 

Reflections on December and 2016

It being the second last day of 2016, it's now or never that I finally get to writing my reflections, I guess. Like any other year, there has been ups and downs and sometimes, things start to look better in retrospect.

Family Life

After a couple of years of trying, I'm finally going to have a baby! I was pretty down in the first half of the year when the first try didn't work out but later on, it did and now I'm expecting to pop in March! I would admit that I have had slightly mixed feelings, loss of personal freedoms vs family life after hearing from so many people about how "it changes your whole life". 

But then I realized a couple of things from some mothers I follow on social media:

1. There are a lot of mothers who have continued doing what they love while having children. I follow a couple of bloggers and Instagrammers who do great writing and art and I used to think they could only do all these because they were childless. I was slightly surprised when I read that some of them had kids, 2 or more in some cases! And they could still update their blog or Instagram account or run their businesses on a regular basis! This taught me that passion helps you find a way. I may have to cut back on some personal goals (no more recitals!) or become a scheduling wizard as long as I can find some small way to do what I love. Which leads me to the next...

2. Be kind to yourself. It's ok if I screw up. It's ok if I don't reach my goals. It's ok if I don't write a new e-book every month, play the violin at Carnegie Hall, become an award-winning artist, become a famous blogger, speak fluently in French, Spanish, Italian and Japanese, raise a successful kid who can do all the above and more, and maintain a full-time job. Even if I make small steps towards just one of my goals, it's ok. No one is judging me except myself and mistakes are acceptable for anyone who is not perfect. (Preferably my mistakes should not involve death or injury though...)

3. For all the complaints I read from new mothers, no one has ever wished they never had their child. And you do hear plenty of complaints, from leaky diapers to full out explosions, screaming tantrums, nights in the hospital. Despite all this, I've not read about a single mother who would give up her child to take back her single life. This gives me hope, that while there will be plenty of crap to clean up, in the end, it's not a rose-coloured vision that everything really does work out in the end. 

So I'm going to follow no.2 when it comes to my kid and take it easy on myself and my future child. He may not become the next President's Scholar but as long as he turns out to be a kind, wise human being, (not a serial killer) that would be all I would ask for.

Blogging Life

Looking back at the posts from January till now, I'm pretty proud that I managed to revive my old blog and I did a lot more writing than I thought I was capable of. This is something new I've learned about myself. Funny thing is that I always thought I had a flair for art more than writing because I was such a visually-oriented person, but in the process of writing, I learned that actually I had more of a flair for writing. Given the right prompts, the ideas flowed more easily on the keyboard than on the drawing pad. 

I'm a bit hesitant to make plans for 2017 because of the kid coming but if there's one thing, I would like to continue blogging as much as I can. The focus may change and I may write a lot more about life with a baby, but I would still want to keep this blog alive to remind me of the writing I completed in 2016 and to spur me on to other creative projects in the future. 

Creative Life

I'm also pretty proud that I dabbled a lot more creatively this year. I did a lot more journalling and in December, I even managed to organize some material into my own e-book. I also managed to do some watercolour painting and make some journals. I also take pride in performing on stage in my first violin recital! Although I played terribly off-key, (-_-!) I take pride in actually mustering the guts to go up and do it, something I'm not sure many 5-month pregnant ladies can claim to do! In some months, I also managed to up my French by learning some grammar. I probably can't order a cup of water in France, but it's still a bit of progress from knowing nothing to knowing something.

When you read the paragraph above, it all seems pretty random but I've come to accept that that's the kind of person I am. I like a certain degree of novelty and variety so I tried several different things each month. What worked for me was listing down all the activities I wanted to try and then making some goals each month, plus making myself accountable by blogging as much as I could about the steps I made. Being a Jack of all trades seems to work better for me than being a Master of one. 

(These techniques I learned from 7 habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey and Better than Before by Gretchen Rubin.)

I also read, read and read. I had a personal goal at the start of the year to read at least one non-fiction book each month, which according to my Goodreads account, I've achieved, so yay! I didn't hit the upgraded goal I set for myself, which was 48 books, but on average, I've completed 3 books each month. I think with the baby, this could be the easier goal for me to reach next year......

With all I've done this year, I think in 2017, I would take a creative break and concentrate on how to take care of my kid. I might still do some light reading and a little bit of doodling here and there but I also think it's prudent that I don't set major goals for myself until I've settled the domestic arrangements with my in-laws and my kid. I also suspect that I may have to resume my fitness goals next year to lose all the postnatal weight! So in 2017, the focus here might be to take it easy and do it for fun till family life becomes more stable. 

In a nutshell...

I guess 2016 wasn't too bad and in retrospect, some of the things that seemed really bad at the time now look very far away. I suppose with distance and reflection, life on the whole really has a lot that we can be grateful for if we choose to see it that way. If there's anything to hope for in 2017, I can only hope that by December 2017, I can look back and see all the good stuff and be filled with the same hope for 2018! Happy new year, everyone and here's to a great 2017! 

Reflections for November

A photo posted by Aki Tan (@khelath) on Nov 18, 2016 at 7:08pm PST

A little art journalling for myself today, to congratulate the fact that I made it through another school year! 

I still have a kind of nagging feeling that somehow I lost 2 months of my life because of the hectic exam season, but I'm still glad that I got through it *relatively* smoothly somehow. I guess there are just some points in one's life where life events just derail you and somehow you have to find a way to get yourself back on track with your own mission in life once again.

That's how I feel, now that the holidays have started. I feel like this is the point where I'm slowly building my life back on track again. Compared to previous years, I would say it's better because at least this time I managed to recognize the signs earlier, where in previous years, everything just seemed to fly off the rails until December -_-!!! This year I managed to recognize the signs in October and I started doing some journalling and blogging to feel 'human' again. 

What I learned from this is that reflection and recognition are important. Keeping a personal journal and calendar helped, because seeing all those blank spaces where things are supposed to be done reminded me that nothing was being done! I don't know how possible this is yet with baby on the way next year, but that might lead to the next thing I learnt, which is to...

Always be kind to yourself. It's normal and natural that things in life get in the way of, well, life. We cannot always control the curveballs that come at us and it's only normal that dreams have to be put away for a period of time while we deal with them. For me, it was exam season, because I had to make sure that I revised all the work with the kids. Then it was pregnancy and the feelings of fatigue I had during the first trimester. What is important after this, then, is to...

Climb back whenever you can. I'm hoping to snatch pockets of time during my maternity where I can do a little bit of journalling and reading because these are the most convenient to climb back to, given that the materials and books are all in my possession. Other activities that take up more time, like the violin, the piano, language learning, I would have to wait till I see what baby's schedule is like, before I can plan again how to slot them in. I definitely won't be able to spend the same amount of time on them the way I did during my 2 months of leave, but I still hope to make whatever progress I can. 

I'm guessing there will still be people out there, who will either tell me this is not possible, or that this is wrong because I should be spending all my waking time on my baby. To the first, nobody will know if it's possible yet if it has not been attempted. To the second, if it works for you, fine. It doesn't work for me because I am a whole person who is not defined solely by one aspect of her life. I am not just a mother, I am a person with loves, hates, fears, joys and I want my son to grow up to the same and I know no other mother who is not the same. So let me try living life my way while I let you go your way. My successes and failures will be my own.

Here's to the holidays then! I'm glad of the life I've revived into this blog this year and hopefully there will be more to come!

Reflections on August

One word: BUSY

Even now when I think back about August, all I can think about is busy, busy, busy. It was definitely one of those peak periods where I was just frantically trying to finish everything before the Sept break. Even on days when I didn't bring work home, I was too knackered to do anything except watch TV. 

As I type this, it is now the last day of the Sept holiday and next week, I'm back at work for another round of Busy. *shudder*

At one point, I did pause to think, though, why do I fall off the wagon so badly all the time after June? The reason that comes foremost to mind is of course, work. As times get busier, work gets brought back home, time at home becomes work time and then other things like cooking and general self-care goes out the window. 

I also felt I forgot some of the habits of self-care I took in the first half of the year. Eg, by making time for myself to do the things I love. So this is one habit I want to reinstate: To write down my weekly plans for the things I love to do on my calendar so as to commit to it. In this way, I want to be able to plan my time better without letting work overtake me. I also have to make sure that at work, I religiously keep a to-do list with the deadlines clearly written so that I don't forget what I'm supposed to do. 

Another habit I want to reinstate is that of journalling: To journal one sentence a day and express gratitude for even the smallest thing. These are simple yet powerful tools to balance one's state of mind and I want to continue this. One way is to bring the journal out one days I go out. 

Most importantly, I need to practise self-love. To be able to forgive myself for the things I didn't do so well and to compare me, to me, instead of others. I keep looking at how far others are ahead of me, instead of looking back at how far I've come. This is like wishing you had a Birkin but forgetting you already had a Chanel. While of course I should push myself to go as far as I can, my progress shouldn't be measured by others who follow different trajectories from me. I am responsible for my own path and that is the one I should follow. 

That being said, even if I didn't do as much as I wanted, I still managed to read a great deal, so I'm glad of that. Thankfully, reading is one of the habits firmly entrenched in me. 

This holiday has also given me some space to pursue some craft, so I'm glad for that. (tutorials coming up soon) 

I have a few more months before December and a couple more before March next year, when I get really busy, so wish me luck and here goes!

Reflections on July

It's with a mild sense of panic that I realize that we are officially in the 2nd half of the year. What have I done?? What have I accomplished? How am I going to do all the other stuff I wanted to do????

Last month onto this, I got hit off the tracks when I went off on holiday and I came back to a flurry of work. This has happened many times before, when I went overseas or took a long break and not just on my personal goals, but at work as well. Suddenly I forgot how to write my to-do lists, how to remember my deadlines, how to set goals for myself and then everything rushes in together.

So mid-August is a good time to take a quick stock check. Where am I with my goals? What did I accomplish? How did I do it? What did I fail in? Why did I fail? How can I set myself up to pass next time?

My goals for July were: 

Photography: To read up on Daido Moriyama
I found this hard at first because books on Daido Moriyama were crazily hard to find. I thought I would be able to buy a good book on him and read it at my leisure, but then I couldn't find any good (or affordable) photo book or biography anywhere in the major bookstores! A photobook seller in Peninsula finally told me that was the case with his books and that the same situation existed in Japan, where his books are primarily sold. -_-!!! 

Finally though, I hit paydirt at the National Library - I found Tales of Tono, Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog.

Stray Dog and Memories of a Dog were only available in the reference section, so I couldn't borrow them out. I had to make special trips to Victoria Street to read them, which made them more troublesome and at the same time, more fascinating. (Why some books end up in the reference section, I don't know) The more I read about him, the more fascinated I became with him as a photographer since I identified with certain parts of his philosophy towards photography.

But... that's a subject for another blog post. Let me write up my notes into something coherent first. :p

So I would say in this goal I was fairly successful. I managed to find the books though reading them was quite troublesome. I also learned quite a bit as well.

Next step to levelling up? Getting my essay done... (sigh)

Violin: To practise at least twice a week - COMPLETE FAIL

This goal is one I continuously set for myself and continuously fail at. Every month that I tell myself to practise, to practise, the violin stays neglected in its case and next thing I know, it's time for lesson/practice time again. -_-!!! 

So let's take a good hard look at meself: Why am I failing at this?

I'm restricting myself to practising in the afternoon. I keep telling myself to practise in the afternoon because I'm worried about neighbours complaining if I practise at 8-9pm. Which means, if I'm stuck at work till late, I end up not practising at all if I return home after dinner. Would my neighbours really raise their pitchforks if I practised at 8, after dinner and yet when people are not going to bed yet? I don't know because I never tried, having spent most of that time watching TV while eating dinner. -_-!!! 

And then at night, there's always other stuff to do...... Easier stuff like reading or painting that doesn't require the same amount of effort as the violin. So I always take the easy way out for myself.

Terrible. It's like wanting to lose weight but eating another chicken burger. I keep telling myself I want to be a good violin player but I fail to put in the practice needed.

The solution for this is easy in principle, yet another matter in practice. I need to set practice days and times (which I have been doing) and actually set about to doing it, never mind fatigue or complaints (which I have NOT been doing).

Watercolour: To paint at least 2 pieces in watercolour.

This goal I managed because I was so lousy with keeping the one about the violin practice. :D I did a few pieces and here are the 3 better ones:

                                          

The one I'm most proud of is of course, the 3rd one, and this is one goal I felt I showed the most progress in the least amount of time and the one I enjoyed the most. 


There were several things that made this goal easier to accomplish. One, paint and brush were always within easy reach on my table. All I really had to do was plonk my butt on my chair and open them up to start. This also made them a good destresser from work as well. Compare this to having to heft my violin up and stand for the entire time I practise......

Also, having a reference book helped. That way, I didn't have to think of what to practise. I just opened to the last page I stopped at and did whatever was on that page. Again, a good remedy for a hard day at work.

Lastly, I also think that the artwork was a strong visible motivator. Once the painting was done, it was an obvious indicator of my effort and progress and one that could be looked at again and again for inspiration. Whereas with violin playing, I couldn't tell whether my pitch really was improving or not.

All in all, no wonder I found more fun in reaching the art goal.......

Still, they are things to consider if I want to become a good violin player. So with those in mind, my goals in August are:

French - To refresh what I learned and complete at least 2 more chapters
Writing - To work on the text for my book idea
Violin - Once again.........

Wish me luck!      

Practising with watercolours

My very wet, very unpolished swatches of watercolour. This was a practice on blending the colours but I also added the title and scribbled some notes to, er, make it look more artistic lah... Otherwise it'd be rather boring, no?

I was thinking some thoughts as I was doing this about how little I hear of people actually doing this. I mean this as in 

1) give artistic creativity free rein without thought of future reward or consequence and 

2) actually bothering to do this rather than watch TV or Youtube. (Yes, my mind does wander even while I'm concentrating on getting the blending right) 

To the first, I suppose living in pragmatic Singapore could be part of the cause. A lot of people will not understand the point of spending/wasting time painting ugly stuff when it is pretty clear that there are no benefits to be gained. (ie, you will not be a successful painter/musician/dancer/actor) Even fewer will understand why you do it when it is painfully obvious that you have no clear talent at it. (ie, you suck lah)

A very, very, rare few will understand that it is something that is done simply because you want to do it and get better at it.

I mean, take this exercise in painting. Why am I doing this at all? It has no immediate benefit to my short term future, ie, I'm not going to sell the sketchbook page above for millions one day, nor will I be quitting my job in even the next 10 years to sell watercolour swatches for a million a piece. I'm well aware that to many Singaporeans, what I'm doing is a childish exercise. Yes, yes, very nice rectangles, just like what we did in Primary school. Now grow up and get on with life already. 

To others, it is a waste of a limited reserve of effort. Some people will say at this point, "Life is so hard, we work all day, take care of children/parents/pets at night, why would you do something as tiring and fruitless as this? Iphone/iPad/TV/Internet/Facebook is easier lah." or "I have no energy to do this after work. I'm so tired I would rather just lie on the couch with the cats."

Yes, I do have a lot of inner critics and I hear this all the time. (The only one I'd grant the excuse of tiredness is the parent. Yes, I think I would be tired too.)

Which means I also learned ways to counter them.

1) Not everything is about immediate gain and visible show of talent. True success comes also from grit and perseverance. Which is why I believe it's important that I not only show the successes on my blog, but I also show the duds, like the practice page above.

2) Equally important is also what you learn from the duds. You either learn that you suck as a loser, or that you have some stuff you need to improve. One of these lead to better mental health and I think it is clear which.

3) Spending time like this on a hobby takes sweat, grit and effort, I admit. You actually have to pay money for the paint, brushes, paper and book to learn and there have been many times when I come home exhausted, able to do nothing other than lie on my sofa with the cats and the nut. TV at that point is very tempting.

Then after a while, I realised that I wasn't achieving anything (other than a waistline). Spending my time like this, what did I have to show for in my life? What excuse did I have for all my unfulfilled hopes, dreams and aspirations?

More importantly, if I went on like this, what example would I show any future kids of mine? What do I have of me that my kids can look up to? What will people say at my funeral? "Oh, she watched a lot of Doctor Who, and maybe some CSI." That's when I cracked out the paints and the books. At the end of my life, I'd like people to talk and laugh over the millions of bad paintings I did, the horrible photos I took and the fugly craft projects I did and from there, create a picture of me as a whole person, with likes, dislikes, talents, screw-ups and all the stuff I did in my life to show for it. 

Maybe, if I'm lucky, by the end of my life, I'd even have a good number of good stuff to show for my efforts too.

Till then, I want to keep trying in every little way I can. Even baby steps will help a baby to stand up on its own one day. 

Watercolour Flowers - Progress!

I had blogged earlier about my fail with watercolours, now I'm happy to report some progress! 

Today I tried the watercolours again, after reading about the colour wheel and trying it out on the sketchbook. I felt I always used the same warm colours repeatedly so this time why not try a colour I don't use often? I also tried sketching some flowers (species of which I believe doesn't exist but who's caring?) and then painting them. 

The pics below show the flowers as I painted:

After sketching, I painted the basic colours I wanted.

 Felt the page was too empty, so added some background shading and flower shapes.

Added some finer detail and definition to the petals with colour pencils.

Not perfect yet, but I'm proud of myself for the progress I made. It's all about taking pride in the small steps before the bigger ones! Not only that, I also realized that by doing so I achieved one of my personal goals for the month! Hooya~!

Seems that a few things helped:

- Knowing your equipment, eg, how much water comes out of my water brush, how much paint it can hold, how to press the brush to the paper. Practising with your equipment beforehand can make a big difference in results. This includes a few failures. :p

- Reading and researching what you can on your topic. I don't normally use purple and would not have done so if I didn't read about it in the library book I borrowed.

Onwards to the next goal!

Learning to Paint

So I made myself a promise to really properly learn to paint with watercolours and to practise, practise, practise in my unused sketchbook. Unfortunately, my first attempt did not turn out well! I tried to do some highlights on the girl's hair but it started with a disaster and turned into a calamity. -_-!!!

Still, nothing is lost. I was in despair for a while, after all, not very encouraging to see your first work turn out ugly, yah? But I also thought that there were parts of the painting that I liked, so I started jotting them down. Then I thought about the ugly parts (ie the hair!) and jotted down what I thought I could do to do nicer stuff in the future.

This ties in with what I read about deliberate practice. Practising 10,000 times does not necessarily help you to improve, if you don't know what you have to do to improve in the first place. As you practise, you have to deliberately think about your strengths and flaws and ways to overcome them. You have to be aware about the end result you are trying to achieve and the steps you need to take in between to get there.

So this is what I have tried with this painting. Now I have a sense of the parts I need to do better, I can try again! Wish me luck!

Could this be better? Yes. Is this the end? No.